Friday, August 31, 2007
I know it sounds like poor me in all these entries, but you know, its my blog-therapy.
In the 10th grade I met who I thought I met who would be my best friend forever. Miss Gina. Thinking about it now, I'm not sure how we were so close. We really didn't have too much in common. We liked different music, different types of guys, maybe it was our humor. Her and I just kinda clicked. We never had a problem until a mutual friend told me that Miss Gina had sex with our boss (married with 2 kids boss) I couldn't believe that 1) She would do it and 2)She didn't tell me. I confronted her and she denied it, that our friend was just being mean and she had lied to our friend to see if she would tell me. Me, being naive, believed her. I even went so far to confront our friend and threaten to beat her ass for saying such horrible things. So our mutual friend was no longer our friend.
After we graduated, Gina and I moved into our own place. It was great. Loved the freedom, having parties, all those things you do at 18/19 years old. Gina began to have health problems so we moved back home. After that we didn't hang out as much but we still hung out. At one point in my 20's a boyfriend and I lived with her for a few months. I never questioned anything she told me. She was my best friend. After Tim (the boyfriend) and I broke up Gina and I moved in together again. We lived together for two more years. During year two, Gina turned into god knows what.
She met what I can only call the most stereo-typical black man I have ever met. He had 3 (?) children by other women, he did and sold drugs, he lived with another woman. Now this is not the social circle Gina and I frequented. Gina didn't do drugs, she barely drank, no kids, she had her shit pretty much together. Well at least I thought she did. Ok so this dude ends up moving in (without asking me), he had no job, did nothing to contribute to the house, was pretty much an ass. He was also the father of Gina's first son. I honestly don't know what her son's name was because she told me one thing and baby's daddy told me another. I believe it was Brandon. I would come home from work and he would leave the baby there. Didn't ask me to watch Brandon. He would just leave. Gina would come home and not say thank you for watching her son, she would just complain how broke they were.
About one month later, I came home to find someone else living in our place. He was living in the living room and was also pretty stereo typical. I was so glad when our lease was up. I moved out and didn't plan on talking to them again. Gina had turned into someone totally unrecognizable. It makes me sad.
Well about six months later, I get a bill for the last months rent. I call gina at work and she said, no no no, she would take care of it. So I called the management company and they agreed Gina should pay it. A year later, I get a letter from a creditor. They couldn't find Gina and because my name was on the lease I was responsible. Gina had taken my rent money and used it as a deposit for her new place. Gina has had a second child, Jeremiah. From what I understand from a friend of mine, she won't be winning any mother of the year awards.
I also found out from my friend that Gina did sleep with our boss way back when. So she wasn't who I thought she was. Our friendship was based on a whole lot of lies. I am beginning to wonder what it is about me, that makes me so naive. It hurts because I really thought that her and I would be BFFs. But in the long run, I am pretty sure that I am better off.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
When I started Jr. High I went to a new school. Not really knowing much of anybody wasn't anything new because I had changed schools every two years. My mom and grandparents moved around a bit.
My 7th grade year I met a girl F.H. who was of middle eastern decent. I befriended F.H., along with J.F., H.E., and S.W.
F.T.'s parents, I believe, were both born in Iraq. They were extremely strict with F.T. and she wasn't allowed to go to friends' homes. So no slumber parties, no hanging out after school. We talked on the phone a lot. Well, eventually her parents lightened up a little. I would go to her house after school. I had dinner with her family a few times, and played with her four younger sisters. All through 7th and 8th grade I felt that F.H. and I had grown to be close friends. I was a tutor in her younger sisters' kindergarten class, I was even the first person ever to spend the night at her house.
During Jr. high there were a few girls who were mean to F.H. I remember walking into our 8th grade history class and seeing two girls saying very loudly, why can't we come to your house, do you not like us, you are so rude not inviting us over. Both girls giggling while F.H. stood there crying. I put my arm around her and walked her away after saying some choice words to those girls. It wasn't the last time I stood up for F.H. i never told her about other times things were said. Mostly about her heritage being that it was the middle of the first invasion of Iraq.
When High School started both F.H. and I went to a different high school then J.F., H.E., and S.W. Her and I hung out just as we always had. I believe that F.H. had transfered to another school shortly before Christmas. But she only lived down the street, so we still hung out. In the 10th grade, I also transfered schools so all of us girls were back at the same school.
Around Christmas time I was racking my brain on what I could do for gifts because 1) I didn't have a job 9 (i was 15) and 2) My mom was working 2 jobs trying to take care of two kids by herself. So couldn't ask mom for money.
I had decided that I would either make or give my own things to my friends because I wanted to participate in the festivities so to speak. I had a shirt that my mother had bought me. It was the most expensive item I owned (important to a teenager of course) but rarely wore. F.H. had always commented on how much she liked it. It was a huge deal for me to have this shirt because my mom didn't sew it and it wasn't purchased at K Mart. I wore it maybe 3 to 4 times. because F.H. stated she liked it so much, I decided that would be what i gave to her.
During Christmas break, F.H. asked if she could come by and exchange gifts. During that time I was obsessed with Aladdin. i loved the genie. Fatn had gotten me some stationary, pens, pencils. Very thoughtful. She called when she got home screaming at me. How could I give her something used when she spent $15.00 on me. All I could say was, well you know you can come pick your gift back up because I don't want it. She hung up on me and I put the box she gave me outside. I heard her come up the stairs, drop the box I gave her, and leave.
I couldn't understand why it wasn't good enough. I gave her something of mine I knew she liked and when you don't have any money, this shirt was everything. I opened the door after she left and saw not only my shirt, but she had left the gift she gave to me. I brought in both boxes, I threw the shirt in the garbage, and put the gift she had given me in my closet where it remained until I moved out of my mother's home at age 18.
F.H. and I didn't speak after that. Looking back, this was kinda the division of our "group." Although I remained friends with J.F., H.E., and S.W. through high school, I made new friends. K.R., G.H., and K.V. (I will share this story later)
In the 12th grade, there was a news story about a man who murdered his wife in front of his five daughters. I found out at school that it was F.T.'s mom. I hadn't spoken to F.H. in two years, but I had shared good times with her family, I had to say something. I wrote her a two page letter expressing my thoughts and letting her know if she needed anything, to call me. She called me that night asking me to go to her mother's funeral. J.F. and I went. It was heartbreaking to see F.H. and her sisters. I hugged F.H. at the end, the hardest I had ever hugged anyone. That was the last time I had any contact with her until maybe 1998, she came to my work and I asked how her sisters were and my boss yelled at me to hurry up, so she left.
In 2005, I was signed onto Yahoo Messenger and got a random message. The person was hinting at who they were and I was like look tell me who you are or I will block you. Of course, it was F.T. She told me she was married and lived north of me. It was a nice conversation.
About a month later, she says something like you know, you were always so cruel to me when we were little. This statement bothered me to no end. So I asked S.W. if I was really mean to her and I was in some sort of denial. She said if I was then she must be Satan. I believe I asked J.F. and she said no, not that she ever saw. I haven't talked to F.H. since then and still wonder why she thinks I was horrible to her. I won't ask her because I really don't have anything to say to her. I'm not even sure why I was thinking about it.
maybe because my mind is constantly looking for answers to questions that maybe have no answers.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I have today, tomorrow, and Saturday off. I have been really tired all week, but haven't been sleeping well. A lot of things on my mind. It all starts with money. Doesn't it always? Speaking of which, I got to sort out the bills.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
This song was made back in the day when it was ok to bone underage girls. Or at least sing about it.
Today is my mother's 50th birthday. All I could think of was that Molly Shannon skit where see's yells "I'm 50!" I know that 50 is the new 40 or whatever, but it freaks me out. All joking aside, my mom is is getting older and that means thats another year closer to losing her. I fear her death more than my own.
My mom is my hero. She was a single mother, had two jobs, supported two kids. She did what she had to do to make sure my sister and I had what we needed. She did her best and I think I turned out pretty ok. I love her and I hope she knows I do.
Ok, now that I'm crying
Monday, August 20, 2007
So, I was cruising around the youtube and Derek (the spouse) tells me I should look up 80's cartoons. Being that my childhood weekends were not complete without Saturday morning cartoons, i was game. I found the following. It's kinda long, but sooo goood. The guy who put this together made one from the 90's too, but it wasn't as good.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Another blog to keep up with. The truth is, I need something new. I can kinda control who reads this. Well, I can control it, but I won't. I will more than likely post one last entry to the LJ and to myspace advertising myself. Sickening I know.
So on another note...
I was listening to a Tom Green Podcast with Norm McDonald. And in their conversation, they mentioned Bud Dwyer. I didn't know who Bud Dwyer was and was definitely curious as to who he was since they mentioned committing suicide on television. So I google Bud Dwyer and see a video link.
I thought suicide was a metaphor for doing badly on the air. What I saw was so disturbing. A man putting a gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger. I am fascinated by death. I really don't know why. Maybe because I have never seen a dead person except for in pictures and movies. Maybe it isn't death so much, but its lasting effects on people. However, seeing the Bud Dwyer video just made me uncomfortable and wanting answers of why would someone kill themselves in front of an audience.
Morbid thoughts I know. If I hadn't seen the video, I wouldn't even be thinking about it.