Thursday, July 8, 2010

I am stronger than I give myself credit for

So yesterday was my 7 year anniversary. When I woke up, I felt confused. I thought I was going to be devastated and feel sorry for myself, and I didn't. I went to work and my pals did a good job keeping my mind off of it. I didn't think about it at all really.

Then I did something that i have been putting off because it made the divorce too real for me, I closed the joint bank account. This was the last thing other than the lease Derek and I had in both of our names. Then I came home, cried a little bit. Said something on twitter I shouldn't have because I was upset. Then got myself together and went for a walk. I went to my sisters and hung out with her and Mike. Met her boyfriend. He is very nice.

I came home and watched Dog the bounty hunter and fell asleep. Other than the time I was upset, it really wasn't as big of a deal as I was afraid of it being. I also got a bunch of stuff together for my little show. I am so excited about it, but at the same time, I have no idea what I will be talking about. I have some ideas. I just hope I don't bore everyone to tears.

Today I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I slept a lot. i needed it, I haven't slept more than 4 or 5 hours a night for weeks. I finally got up and hit the Target and made tomato cobbler that is in the oven now.

I am considering going back to being a vegetarian, but haven't decided. I will just take it as it comes and make my decisions when i am ready.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I just want to make a change

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I'll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
Cause I feel like I'm the worst
So I always act like I'm the best

Friday, July 2, 2010

So here it begins...

Well, my pals that read this on a regular basis will know the news. Derek and I are divorcing. With this divorce is coming a number of changes. I am trying to remain positive in this new journey. I still have bad days and I am entitled. Today was a rough one. Made the mistake of listening to a song, but I need to cry sometimes. I am not a robot.

I miss my podcast and I have missed interacting with the lot of you. So I am making plans for a new show. Not sure how it will work, what I will do, what I will talk about. But I am determined not to become the bitter divorcée and deepen my inability to leave my house. When I do release anything, I will post announcements via twitter or facebook. I am hoping some of my podcasting pals will help me spread the word too. This blog will not be related to whatever show I decide to do. I want to keep them separate. So I won't be making any further announcements here.

You would be proud of me, I have been out walking. Not a terrible amount of distance, but I take the dog out every day for at least 20 minutes. This used to be Derek's job. Now I do it. Sometimes, I will drop Maggie back at home and keep walking. A HUGE accomplishment for me. Last week, I walked 17 miles. That is amazing for me.

I went to the San Diego Fair with my sister. I walked around with her and ate deep fried butter! I didn't really care if anyone was looking either.

I went to my friend Sarah's and she waxed my eyebrows. We hung out and talked and I had a great time. I am working on changing this shut-in quality I gained during the last seven years of my life. It is still hard, but I have made myself go and do things I haven't had to do for a long time. I washed my car for the first time in like 3 years. Gross I know. It sounds so silly that I am proud that i go grocery shopping, or I go to the bank. But I am.

The big news besides my divorce is I am making a move. In March of next year I will be on my way to Idaho. My parents have graciously offered me a place to stay until I get on my feet. A new state, a new job, new people. I am scared to the point of tears, but if I can do this, i can do pretty much anything. I have spent my entire 32 years in San Diego. I have never known anything other than here. But I long to have my family close and to make a real home for myself. I will so much about California, but it's time. I am a little excited, I already have Erik in Seattle promising drinks and Nicole and Christina will be like an hour away. Walt, you will need to come visit since Erik is an hour plane ride away from my new home. Erik should be reason enough ;)

I am hoping that i can save enough money to go to Florida in the winter. I need to get away and I have a group of people I need to meet. I have found so much support during this hard time from all corners of the earth. I can't even thank y'all enough. Even though I have not been very public about the goings on here, It is so comforting to know I could contact someone if I need to.

I think this is all I can do right now. I am getting emotional and I need to walk it off. I plan on writing more often. I need to purge my emotions. I want to remain positive and hope y'all will forgive the occasional bad day.

Nessa XO