I Miss You, Miss Misery

Paranormal

2011-10-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

I have tried, tried, tried to come up with some sort of Halloween story from growing up and I for the life of me cannot remember anything out of the normal trick or treating that ever happened to me. I think that on last years’ Halloween show, I mentioned my experiences with Rocky Horror and Ouija boards. And while trying to plan this episode, all I could think about was Rocky Horror and the Ouija boards which confirmed to me, Halloween really isn’t my thing.

So I put some thought into what sort of spooky, weird thing could I talk about. Then I figured, I would talk about my thoughts on the paranormal. Again, I know some of y’all think it’s made up stuff, but I feel that there is something out there. I don’t feel that when we die, that’s it. I have no proof, but I know what I feel and what I have experienced.

I have always had a fascination with things unknown, except aliens. I have no interest in aliens. It stems from something I saw when I was eleven or twelve years old. I was lying in bed and it was pretty quiet, with the exception of the low buzz of the TV in the living room. Something made me turn over and look at the closet. There was a sizable misty thing floating there. It has a face, I felt it was male. And I panicked. I pulled my covers over my head and thought in my head, “Go away! Go away! Go away!” I peeked my head out and it was gone. This also started my need to have a radio or TV on when I go to sleep. Somewhere in my twelve year old mind, the music kept the ghost away.

The next night, I kept looking over to the closet area to see if the mystery man and he didn’t reappear. I was so relieved. I was too old to tell my mommie that I was seeing the boogie man or whatever. But she probably wouldn’t be surprised being that I was her child that was scared of Herman Munster walking through his front door, Thriller with Michael Jackson, and Ghostbusters. Yes, Ghostbusters. The next night I still looked for the ghost man and again nothing. I think it was a week before I stopped looking. I think the night I didn't consciously think about the ghost man, I crawled into bed and curled up with my pillow. I was half asleep when I got that, "I should turn around" feeling again. I refused to turn over. I didn’t want to turn around. But then something happened that made me turn around. Something grabbed my foot. And it didn't really feel like a hand, it was cold and almost claw like. Or maybe someone with long finger nails. I turned over so fast, I almost fell out of bed. There was nothing there. I got up and turned on the light, looked under my bed, I have no idea what happened. This occurrence made me extremely curious as to what I saw and what the hell touched my foot!

I would check books out at libraries and read as much as I could and look at as many pictures I could get my hands on. I think part of my curiosity was I didn’t want to be crazy. This led into my fascination with séances and witches. At some point, I tried to have a séance to contact Elvis with my friend Trishauna and my sister. When I asked, "Elvis, are you here?" My sister promptly said in her best Elvis, "No, I'm upstairs, taking a crap." That ended that séance.

My pal Shannon, whom I talked about in my last post, and I were convinced we had some sort of power. We had found a book on spells somewhere and in it was a spell to stop the rain. We were in the middle of a drought so we changed the words around to stop the heat and bring on the rain. It was such a coincidence that it started raining an hour later. And not just a sprinkle, a full blown thunder storm. It became our little secret that we were witches. We would collect stones said to have healing powers and read books on using the elements on talking to the dead and casting spells. No, we didn’t do drugs. We were impressionable 14 year old girls reading too much teen fiction.

All joking aside, my interest in the paranormal has continued and I am still curious about things I see and hear. I enjoy a lot of shows like Ghost Adventures (which i affectionately call the douchebag show), Ghost Hunters, and Dead Files. And with recent dreams I have had, it has me more intrigued. I don’t know that I could do a ghost hunt; the thought of hearing a voice or seeing something petrifies me. I'm afraid I won't like what I hear and see. Maybe someday I will grow the balls to go to a haunted house. Or, I will let the professionals do it on TV.

I'll Make a Man Out of You

2011-10-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

I was having a bit of a problem coming up with something to talk about and took to the Twitters and Google + to see if I could milk my listener pals for ideas. My non-sexual life partner Bjorn gave me the idea of talking about trips I have taken or meeting people. Then I realized that tomorrow is an old friend of mine’s birthday. And although I have talked about Shannon before, I thought I could go a little more into detail of our friendship and things we did as kids.

A refresher on when Shannon and I met. We were in the seventh grade. He mother was an aide for our middle school and she had transferred back. Shannon was and is a gorgeous girl and was dating my crush Michael. A side note to Michael is my mom kinda dated his father when I was in high school. Moving on. Michael and I talked a lot about his drawing. Not only was he cute he was an artist. Shannon confronted me on trying to steal her man. And me, not being one for confrontation, caved and said oh no, we’re just friends, we talk about art. And through that, we because close friends and I was close with her parents and younger brother.

A little back story before I get into my first Shannon story. When I was 13, I met the first love of my life David and his friend Mike. They were 15 and soooo dreamy. I think initially, David and my pal Janessa were trying to hook Mike and me up, but neither of us were interested. But Mike and I turned out to be great friends for a good amount of time. I thought Mike and Shannon would be a great couple and I made it so.

The three of us hung out together a lot, but I did know when to make myself scarce. A lot of dinners, movies, or just hanging out at Shannon’s house. If there were nights Shannon couldn’t come out, Mike and I would go park in some random parking lot and listen to really bad music. Mostly Bon Jovi. He would try and teach me the “joys” of Metallica and talk about how he wanted an Acura Integra. On the weekends from time to time when Mike had to work, Shannon and/or I would go hang out with him as they closed. One Friday, my stepdad was going to take us, but as he drove out of the drive way, the brakes went out on the car. So Shannon and I hopped on the bus. We came to find out that the bus wasn’t going its usual route and dropped us off about two miles down the road from the Round Table Pizza Mike worked at. In order to get there, we had to walk over this bridge that had no lighting. We were scared that someone was going to come grab us. So we marched down the road “singing” Ace of Base. And by singing, I mean loudly screeching. And we were laughing so hard we almost peed our pants. But that’s how we rolled; that’s kind of how I roll now.

When we were sixteen, Shannon had just returned from living in Colorado for a year and her parents needed to go back and pick up some little things that were left behind and invited me to go along. So Shannon and I climbed into the back seat of their black Pinto station wagon with red interior and we headed up to Grandby, Colorado. I can say that I have seen the Rocky Mountains and they are quite amazing.

Once night, on our way to Colorado, we stopped in St. George, Utah. We were sleeping in a motel 6 or similar. Shannon and I in one bed, parent in the other, and Ricky (the little brother) on the floor. At some point in the night, Shannon threw her arms around me and mumbled in her sleep that she would make a man out of me. I started laughing so hard, I woke he up. It became the long running joke of the trip how Shannon was gonna make a man out of me yet.

From St. George we made our way to Virgin River, Nevada. On the way there, Shannon’s dad, whose name is Dave but I called Cliff joked that he was going to throw us in the Virgin River and if we sank, he knew who was a good girl and who wasn’t. And while the parents were betting their nickels in, us kids played in the arcade, had $4.99 prime rib dinners, and crashed in the hotel.

When we finally made it to Grandby, the parents showed me around the very small town. Took me to little shops, and basically made me fall in love with the place. I got to meet Shannon’s friends she made in Colorado where they took us out and I bought cigarettes and felt super cool because she didn’t even card me. We went to some random guys house and drank Coors. Shannon told me if we sucked on pennies, the parents wouldn’t be able to smell the beer on us. So like fools, we sucked on dirty pennies. BARF! The parents may have known, but didn’t say anything.

On the drive back from Colorado, Shannon and I decided that we were going to start a band and call it Greg after one of her hot guy friends. I had found a touristy Sherriff Greg pin at a gas station and of course we had to buy one. After a while, we both got a little sad. Shannon missed her pals in Colorado, and I had fallen in love with the place, I was sad to be leaving.

Shannon and I shared an affinity for music; all kinds. We used to listen to everything from Pearl Jam, Hole, Elvis, to Garth Brooks all in the same night. For my graduation, I was given Alanis Morrisette tickets and I took her. When Violent Femmes came to town, we drove down to the club and rocked out on the beach outside.

Shannon is in Idaho somewhere with her now husband and their two and a half children. I said in my show about girlfriends that i wished we were still as close, but things happen, people grow apart. I am also questioning her taste in music now a days. But I will always have a genuine fondness for her and hope she's having a happy birthday.

Ho-Hum

2011-10-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

I am hesitant to discuss this next topic. But because I have upset some people with my comments, I feel the need to apologize and give my side of the story.

The Podcast Awards are going on and a few of my fellow podcasting pals have been nominated. So I want to first congratulate Ramble Redhead, Cocktails and Cream Puffs, Pod is My Copilot, and Greetings From Nowhere for their nominations. If you listen to these shows you can participate at http://www.podcastawards.com/ and vote for them.

Here is where my outlook on this isn't so popular. My goal has always been to interact with people and get to know them. That is how I choose the shows I listen to. I enjoy getting to know the hosts and hearing about their lives. I have found that in the last four years I have been involved in podcasting, this award show turns a lot of my favorite shows into 30-60 minute campaign speeches and the constant reminders of how I need to vote makes my online life miserable. The worst part for me is having three of my favorite shows nominated in one category. I don't want to pick who I like more because they are three different shows that I listen to for three different reasons. I am afraid that someones' feelings will get hurt. I don't want to be responsible for that. Podcasting is supposed to be fun and this is not fun to me. The only positive I can see coming out of this is more exposure for Pride48.com. Which, in my opinion, deserves the recognition for bringing us all together.

I know that I made some bitchy comments on Twitter and Google + and they have made people feel bad. For that I am so very sorry. I do wish my fellow podcasters the best of luck and I do vote everyday, I just won't tell you who I vote for. Except for Greetings for Nowhere, those are my girls and they are not competing against any of the other shows I enjoy.

Now with that crap out of the way.

So Derek went for his physical for work and came back with some concerning news. Now Derek is 5'7" and a huge 138 pounds. But the nurse informed Derek that his blood pressure was very high. I believe he said it was 159/90. I about fell out of my chair. And with just finding out that one of the contributing factors of my father's death was his blood pressure, I panicked. Even his parents got loud with him, and they never do. So I told Derek my fears and explained that he needed to do something about it. He gave me his same sing song of yeah yeah he'll get to it. I lost it. I think me getting loud and pointing out things about how he was feeling that he didn't know I knew, like the getting dizzy when he stands up, really got to him. And for the last few days, he hsa been trying to wake up at decent times, exercise, and not live on what junk food is within walking distance. He is also going to try to quit smoking, which I love the idea of. He stinks most of the time. bleck.

Other than that, life has been very ho-hum. Work is great, I am still swimming almost everyday. And we're getting Derek ready to start work in November. I think he's pretty excited that he doesn't have to wear a uniform and he will be making a considerable amount of money. All he wants to do is take care of me and he told me that this gives him the opportunity to do so. Made me feel good to see him so confident and happy.

So I close out this post with a happy birthday to my pal Nought. He is 36 today and will always be older than me. Many happy returns to you my dear.

Relief

2011-10-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

I took last weekend off from doing the little show, things got extremely hard for me. And not in the fun way. I guess I should start with the dream I had.

Now I know some of you don't believe in a higher power, some of you do, and some of you think psychics are charlatans. I; however, believe there is something out there beyond our understanding, and while some people claim to have some sort of powers, I do believe some people have gifts. And I do believe that people who have passed do try to contact you.

When I initially started my anti-depressants, I didn't have one single dream I could remember. I did go to my doctor's to have my dosage adjusted because I was becoming lethargic and numb. And while I don't want to feel heartache and pain, I would rather feel that versus nothing.

After a few days of the lower dosage, I had a dream that if I hadn't woken up, I would have sworn it was real. My sister and I were working in a Jack in a Box, but we were owners or a higher up person because we were dressed in business attire. My sister came to my office and said, "He's here to talk to you." I asked her if he had talked to her and she said yes. I walked out into what looked like a hospital waiting room, but was still a Jack in the Box. There was two men sitting together, laughing. One older than the other. I walked up to the younger and cleared my throat. He looked at me, and it was like looking into my own eyes. I knew it was my father. I stuck my hand out and introduced myself. He laughed and said, "I know who you are." I said something like, well I haven't seen you in 17 years, I wasn't sure if you would.

He looked at me sternly and said we need to talk and I agreed. He got up and started walking out the door. He walked with a limp, but walked fast. I walked out the door into what looked like a hospital, or maybe a hotel hallway. My father had walked to a set of double doors that you would find in any major grocery store and I followed. I was yelling, "Hey, I want answers, I want to know where you were." We walked through the doors that looked like a parking lot full of green cars. He turned and said "I was in the middle of nowhere." Then turned and kept walking. I again yelled, "I want answers, I want to know why you left." He turned and kinda laughed and said, "Why does it matter, I'm dead." I kind of stared at him and stuttered that I deserved to know. He said, "Vanessa, you deserve a great deal, but you will never get it from me." Then I woke up. And when I woke up, I was more stunned that I had waken up in my own bed then the dream I had.

So a few days had passed and the box the coroner sent with my father's belongings arrived. I wanted to tear it open right away, but couldn't bring myself to do it. i got some reassurance from my twitter pals that it would be ok to wait until I was ready. I made it to later that night. The first thing i pulled out was a picture of a grade school class with five or six older men sitting in with them. I finally see a picture of my father after 17 years of not really remembering what he looked like. I handed the picture to Derek and asked him to pick out which one was my father. I had to be sure I recognized the right man. Derek said, this is him, you have the same eyes. Looking at additional pictures, my father had a cane. He had knee surgery that affected how he walked. He was also in a wheel chair at some point. It could be a coincidence that my father had a limp in my dream, but he didn't have one the last time I saw him, why would I give him one in my dream?

Also in the box was pictures of eagles, pictures of military ships, his wallet, photo albums, his hat, his vest, his bible, his jewelry box, a collection of military pins, five or six zippo lighters with eagles on them, an eagle belt buckle, a few random craft things he made. And as I went through everything, I felt nothing. I really felt like I just got a random stranger's things in the mail. Essentially that is what it was.

Then there was his medical records from when he moved to Wyoming and going to the VA hospital there. What I read was extremely heartbreaking. My father was severely mentally and physically ill. He was physically and mentally abused as a child and his father was an alcoholic. There was mention of multiple suicide attempts, hearing a voice that told him to kill himself, was on drugs for everything from cholesterol to psychosis. He did reference my sister and I a few times. He initially said he was afraid of physically hurting us. He also said he felt guilty for leaving us and losing contact. He was most recently diagnosed with agoraphobia and wouldn't leave his house, even to go to the doctors. He had a case worker that had to check on him every so often just to make sure he was alive and taking care of himself. Which is how they found out he passed away.

At this point, I still hadn't found out how my father passed and the death certificate was not in the box. I called the coroner and asked for her to either send it or call and tell me how he went. With everything in his medical records, I was 99% sure that I was going to be told he overdosed and it wouldn't be an accident.

I received his death certificate in the mail yesterday. I have never been so relieved to be wrong. He had a heart attack. And while it can be explained that he did it to himself due to his horrible diet and pack and a half a day habit, he didn't swallow a ton of pills or whatever form of suicide he could have chosen. And while I am not happy that my father is dead, I am so damn happy I was wrong.

I also received a letter from the cemetery his ashes were buried in that every quarter they have a ceremony for soldiers who did not have a ceremony when they were buried. They played taps, shot the guns, read his name, rank, and place of birth, and presented a flag in his honor. That gave me some comfort because I felt guilty that no one was there when he was buried. No one was there to show any love, grief, or support. And while my father and I did not have any sort of relationship, he was still a human being who was in the Navy during Vietnam. He deserved something.

And for the first time since this all started, I can breath without my chest hurting, I can almost fall asleep with no problem, and I don't start crying at the mention of him passing. I have the biggest sense of relief that I can really stop searching, I really do know where he is, and he had feelings about leaving his family behind.

Vegas with Pride48

2011-09-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

So last Friday, the 16th, I hopped in a cab and made my way to Tucson International Airport and made my way to Las Vegas to FINALLY meet a group of podcasters and a handful of listeners that I have only known by voice and picture. Normally, I would have been scared shitless, but for some reason, I was actually pretty calm. It may be that I was medicated, but I really think I was just so damn excited to see everyone, I didn't let my nerves get the best of me. The flight from Phoenix to Vegas was BLAH! Most of you know I am a fat girl, so I get hot easy. Well that, and it's a side affect of one of the pills I take. So I squeeze my ass into my seat, only to have a big boy squeeze into the seat next to me. Oh yeah, no air-conditioning. I was a sweaty mess by the time I got to the baggage area and looked for the darling Melissa. She very graciously came and picked me up and dropped me back off at the airport. Can I tell you what a gem she is? Well she is one. A pretty, sweet thing she is.

When we finally get to the Luxor, I start running into folks, new and familiar. All within 10 minutes I saw the Foul Monkeys, That's What She Said, Ramble Redhead, and one Cocktail and Cream puff. And this is also where Nessa got her first bong of juicy goodness! A giant slushie drink with booze! I was a toasted girl thanks to my BFF Waylon!

I got to my room, showered, and made my way to the podcasting suite where I met more familiar faces and voices. And as i looked around the room, I counted the penises I had seen. By the time the trip was over, I was up to six and one set of balls. I know, my mother is so proud.

Friday night, I did a little Casina with some pals and went upstairs to listen to Ricky snore and have him knee me in the butt several times. There was little sleep had that night, but I was fine with it. The lack of sleep probably contributed to my drunken state on Saturday, that and the large amount of Vodka I consumed. I couldn't feel my face at some point and it became the running joke. People continuing to ask me the next day if I could feel my face. After the shows, I spent some time with Christina and Nicole. Teaching Nicole how to gamble. It was tons of fun!

Sunday was a little sad because I had to say good bye to my roommates for the weekend. But I will be making my way to Chicago soon to see them! I promise! But I had lots of shows to listen to and participate in. I had a fabulous time. Then I started my goodbyes and started doing what I do best....Cry.

I didn't do a show of my own due to lack of time on the schedule and I was really going as a fan. But I was surprised and thankful that I got to make several guest appearances on other shows and the opening skit. Can I tell you listener pals how proud and happy I was to be involved in Pride48 this year? The enormity of it all, the very special, fabulous people I got to meet. And with a group that large, you would think there would be some drama. We really did all get along famously. I really feel like I made some great friends and look forward to interacting with the group and having more people show up next year! Oh yes listener pals, Pride48 2012 will be happening, and I will be in attendance.

I know that some of you want juicy gossip and want to know the details not available live on the stream. But you know what they say, What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

I do want to give an update on my health, mental and otherwise. I went to the doctors on this past Friday and I have lost more weight and my blood pressure was normal. Not high, not borderline high, but normal! I have been borderline high for the last six years. Also, my anti-depressant medication was adjusted so I am not so lethargic and unfocused. I feel good. I will say that the coroner did send my father's belongings to me that I am expecting any day. I am anxious about it, but I think I will handle it considerably better then maybe a month ago.

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho

2011-09-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

So exciting news in Casa de Hello Nessa this week. Derek found a job! And not just any job; he will be joining the GEICO family as a Claims representative. Because we love in the same home and are a couple, he couldn't work in my department, but he went through the hoops they call a hiring process and starts on November 7th.

I am very proud of him for putting in his effort and not settling for another retail job. Not that that would be necessarily bad, but I know Derek was frustrated in his last position as a shift supervisor at Rite Aid. GEICO will give him opportunities to use his smarts and to really get to a good place in the company. It was great to see him walk into the house with his chest a little puffed out and him be proud of himself. I am a very proud ex-wife right now.

After some victory laps around the living room, dancing around how he got a job, he went into the bedroom and grabbed my engagement ring and came out and said, "now that I can take care of you, will you marry me again?" He was in his boxer shorts and had the biggest grin on his face. How could I say no?

The best part of the interview process and Derek getting a job was the night before his final interview. I take a tranquilizer for my anxiety and was passed out. I get shaken by a very concerned Derek. He sounds like he is on the verge of tears. He says, "Baby, I was trimming my fringe (bangs) and thought my sides looked too long, so I took a razor and trimmed those. Then I figured the back might look shaggy so i tried to trim it with the razor, but I can't see it. Can you tell me if it looks ok?!" I look up and see this:

I think I counted 13 patches where Derek had tried to trim his hair, but just shaved himself bald. I was dopey because of the meds and couldn't get up to fix it right away. So I tell him, DONT TOUCH YOUR HAIR, I will fix it in the morning. I just kept telling him to not touch his hair until I passed back out.

At some point, Derek walked to Wal-Mart and bought clippers and attempted to fix his hair. It looks ok for the most part. Minus the 13 bald spots. He told the manager who interviewed him that "his wife was a better cook than a hairdresser." If I ever meet this man, I am going to have to pretend I fucked up Derek's head. Butthead!

Sedated

2011-09-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

After my last show, I thought getting some more things off my chest would make me feel better. And it did, to an extent. Monday Derek came to live here permanently, which has also helped. I started swimming for about an hour almost every day, and that helped. But the physical pain I was feeling, the inability to turn my brain off at night, and the random waves of anger and sadness. I knew I wasn't "back to normal." In fact, I was finding new things to stress and worry about. I can't relax and let it go like I used to. I was also worried that what if I did have a heart attack and they misdiagnosed me. I was driving myself crazy.

I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Abraham, who will be my primary care physician. He is a soft spoken man, bald, with a wild beard. He was also wearing a bolo tie. Something about him, I instantly liked and felt comfortable with. I found out three things during this visit. I lost five pounds in the last week, I am indeed 5'8" and not 5'6" as I always thought, and I have depression with a side of sever anxiety. Oh, and I didn't have a heart attack. My blood pressure was actually closer to normal than high.

We talked about my different option to handle my stuff and the doctor decided that Cymbolta with a side of Lorazapan would be best. I take them both at night because I have a low tolerance to pills that make me sleepy. But I have found that if I sleep through the night, the day time isn't so difficult. The doctor said it will take two weeks for my body to regulate. I am trying to be patient, but I am so eager to feel normal, it's hard. He did sign me out for two days a month in case I have bad reactions or just have bad days. I won't use them, but it a comfort to know I won't lose my job because I am having mental issues.

My next step is to stick to the pills, stick to the swimming, and find a good therapist. As much as I share with you all, I feel like I need someone who can show me tools that will help me with everything. I am really working on me right now, and for the first time, I don't feel selfish about it.

In other news, Derek is here and hey we're living in sin. Our divorce was final on September 1st. We both have agreed that we want to remarry, I am just waiting for him to ask me. He is trying so hard to be understanding with my break downs and is being tremendously supportive of me trying to be healthy physically and mentally. This is a much more mature Derek. I am proud of him for his efforts. He is diligently looking for a job and keeps the house relatively clean. He's taking care of me when I need it, and is giving me space when I need that. I wish we didn't have to go through the last year, but I don't think I would appreciate him as much as I do if we hadn't.

Nothing too exciting this week, just really working on feeling better. I want to be decent for pride48 in Vegas on the 15th. I am super happy that I will get to see a bunch of people again, plus meet some new folks. Put faces to the names. I really can't wait!

Anxiety

2011-08-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

I really thought I had a grasp on my father's death. The more I tried not to think about it, the more it consumed every thought I had. It got to the point where sleeping was hard to do and concentrating on anything was nearly impossible.

On Monday night, I felt ok. Climbed into bed and was struck with a feeling of confusion and panic. I took some deep breaths and told myself I would be okay and try to sleep. I would doze off and my arm would jerk and I would go through the same cycle of trying to relax and go back to sleep. With every little noise and every breath I took, I could not shake the feeling something was wrong with me. Almost like a feeling that someone was watching me. Then the pains started. My chest got tight, I got shooting pains in my arms and legs. I was freaking out.

Tuesday, I called in sick to work. The lack of sleep and the constant feeling that I was on the verge of having a breakdown, I couldn't go to work like that. So I tried watching TV, I tried playing around on the computer, I slept in tiny increments, but nothing solid. I fell asleep that night pretty easy, probably because I was so tired from the night before.

Wednesday, I woke up and was having heat flashes, more pains in the arms and chest, shaky and nauseous. I talked myself out of going to the hospital, I would go after work. I don't want my new co-workers thinking I'm a wimp and already calling in after two months. I get to work, log in, and start crying. I couldn't stop. I know I said at some point, I think I am freaking out. I vaguely remember getting to the emergency room. I do remember telling the lady inside I was having a heart attack and crying. They put a bracelet on my wrist and asked me a million questions that I don't even remember.

I was taken to a room in the back where I got to wear a nice hospital gown and "watch" some NCIS show. I couldn't stop crying. Someone would come in and ask what has happened in the last few months and each nurse was surprised I hadn't been in sooner. Then they called in the mental health manager. She held my hand, reassured me I wasn't crazy, and I was normal. Let me talk and cry it out. She even gave me a hug, which I desperately needed. She told me I am internalizing too much and it is ok to reach out to others for help. Something I am not terribly good at. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or pity me. But I am realizing after several talks with my mom, that it is okay to reach out and have someone on my side. I wish it wasn't so hard for me to do that.

After two hours of monitoring me to make sure I didn't have a heart attack, they gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine, gave me a booklet on grief, a phone number for grief counseling, and a note to skip work for another day. The physical pains are subsiding a bit, I still feel a little weird, but I know I will be okay after taking some deep breaths and letting myself grieve my loss over again.

I am doing okay for right now. I am mostly during the day, but when it gets dark and quiet, my brain won't let me turn it off. That's when I take a pill. I can mellow out and just sleep. The truth is, I am more angry at my father than sad he is gone. I mean, he had been gone from my life for nearly 20 years. I accepted that he was gone. I mourned him then. I didn't expect or want to mourn him again.

What really is pissing me off is my father was mentally ill. To what extent I don't know yet. But people keep saying to me that his leaving was the best thing he could have ever done for me, knowing how abusive he was to me. And as an adult, I get that. As a daughter, I don't know if I will be able to understand why.

My whole life I wanted to know why my father left. I will never hear the answer I want or deserve and that has pissed me off. I am also holding a lot of guilt. The thought of my father suffering with his demons alone, dying alone, and being buried alone haunts me. I have that gene that wants to help and fix everyone. I couldn't fix my father, nor did I get a chance to try. Logically I know that I couldn't fix him, I couldn't help him, and it is certainly not my fault he was alone. But as his daughter, it's a harsh reality and a very hard pill to swallow.

In all this, I had one moment of complete peace. I had just returned home from the pharmacy and on the railing heading up to my upstairs neighbor was a hawk or eagle of some sort. It was the largest bird I had ever seen outside a zoo. I stopped walking and just stared at him and he stared at me. And my mind was quiet. As silly as it sounds I started talking to him. Asking him to hold still so I could take his picture and I just thought he was so amazing. He cocked his head from side to side like he was listening to me. After I took his picture, I told him thank you and walked away, looking back to see if he flew off. But he just sat there and watched me leave. That three to five minutes I stood there with this bird, I may sound nuts to some of you, but it was an amazing silence and I could finally breath.

HN59 Girlfriends

2011-08-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

So, on Thursday night we were having another monsoon storm when I heard a thunder crack so loud it made me jump out of my chair. I decided to lay off the internet and catch up on my DVR. Turn on the TV and...nothing.

Restart the DVR...Nothing...No satellite signal. I figured it was because the storm was still in the area so I went to bed. Woke up the next day...No satellite signal. I call the Direct TV and BWA BWA no TV until Monday.

Then I remembered that because I have HBO, I can access shows online. I have been on this Sex in the City kick. I didn't ever see the show when it originally ran and I haven't seen the first movie. But I was catching the edited shows on E! and all of a sudden I needed to watch them. So I log onto the HBO and start watching from episode one.

At first I was endeared with the friendship the woman had...Then the show turned into something I could not relate to at all. Granted, I don't have a core group of girlfriends, but I used to. In jr. high and high school, I had a core group of girlfriends I couldn't live without.

In Jr. High it was:

Janessa was a short blonde with green eyes. Everyone expected us to be best pals because of the name and we didn't disappoint. i spent the night at her dad's house all the time. We swapped boyfriends more than once. We even tried to hatch a plan to fix my mother up with her father. Her and I went to our first concert together. I was the first person she called when she lost her virginity. I got into more fights with Janessa then anyone. Probably because I loved her so much and I was watching her self-destruct. Sometimes you have to let them go. I saw her about six-months before I left and she's doing great.

Heather was the new girl in school. Blonde and pretty. The "popular" girls made fun of her because she was wearing white jeans and they had a red Levi tag on the ass. They teased her about starting her period and almost made her cry. I didn't give a shit. She seemed nice enough so I introduced myself and we were instant friends. I spent a lot of time with her and her mom. The first time I saw Rocky Horror was with Heather. The first time I got drunk was with Heather. We were 15 and at her neighbors house drinking Coronas. Her neighbors brother just got of jail and his 19 year old self was quite smitten with Heather. So much so, he tried to put it in her butt. I saw Heather run out of the closet they were hiding in and into the bathroom. I said something like, take a shit, you'll feel better. She and I swapped one boyfriend. Turns out once was enough and our friendship dwindled.

Shannon was a classroom aid's daughter. She was a petite, blonde, big blue eyes, and beautiful. We came together because we like the same boy. Mike Mysak. He was dreamy and an artist and was Shannon's boyfriend. And how dare I be talking to him. I don't remember what we talked about, but we became fast friends. I also became fast friends with her family. I spend a lot of time with Shannon and her family through jr. high and high school. Even if we didn't hang out in the same circles in high school. I was still in her life and she was still in mine. I was one of the first people to know that Shannon was having a baby. I remember when Chloe was born. I had come home from Taco Bell, Nachos in hand and my mom said Gayle, Shannon's mom, had called and said Chloe arrived. I dropped my Nachos on the ground, ran to my car, and hauled ass to the hospital. Chloe was perfect. Shannon is someone I wish was still in my life as a constant, but I get her in small flashes. I will take it. She is an amazing mom to two girls and a step mom to another and still beautiful in every way.

In high school, I was in a different district from my girls and the year apart took it's toll. When I transferred to the same school as my girls, it was very different. And I went on a search for a new core group. This brought Gina, Karen, and Karin.

I have talked about Gina before, so I will spare the details again.

Karen with an 'E' was Gina's best friend since elementary school and lived in the same Town houses. I somehow fit myself in and Karen and I found we had something in common. We liked to tease Gina. Oh and we liked to flirt with the security guard so he would buy us cigarettes. Karen made me laugh, and loud. We were goof balls. But as Gina and I grew closer, Karen and I grew apart. I was taking her childhood friend as far as she was concerned and that was unforgivable. She lives in Kentucky with her son and is a born again.

Karin with an "I" also lived in the same town houses as Gina and Karen. I met her when she started working at Burger King. She had a Honda Civic and listened to Keith Sweat and DMX. Karin made me laugh all the time. We used to drive around in her car and to amuse herself, she would roll up the windows and turn the heat on so it blew on our feet. I would yell at her my feet are hot and she would laugh her big laugh. For those of you who comment on my laugh, you would love Karin's laugh. She married her long time boyfriend and ended up divorcing fairly quickly. But she isn't one to let life keep her down. She owns her own condo, has a hunky marine boyfriend, and seems to be very happy.

So while watching Sex in the City did resonate with me like it must have with other women, it did remind me that I didn't always not get along with females and that I actually did have some really great friends. And while I may not be close with them anymore, I still have a lot of good memories, and that has made me feel good this week.

I Hope He Did

2011-08-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

Long time listener pals will know that I have often joked about having daddy issues. I have wanted to do a show about my father for a long time. I could never find the right time to sit and talk about things I have been ashamed of for the majority of my life. But I have come to a point where if I don't purge these things, I will never feel better about myself or my relationship with my father.

I will start off by saying that these are my memories and they may not be accurate. I really think I have blocked some things out.

My father's name was Odin, he went by Lee. He was born in 1957 in Colorado, but I am not sure. He married my mom in November of 1978, when I was six-months old. I don't know what he did for a living when I was a baby, but I remember him being a security guard. He took me to work with him once. A nice lady gave me candy.

I don't remember the first time my father hit me, nor do I remember the last time. I do remember the routine. He would go in his room and get his belt, close my bedroom window, close my bedroom door, and tell me to bend over in front of the closet. I remember him telling me if I screamed he's hit me harder. I remember always being afraid. I used to think that my father got off on hearing me cry and scream. He used to lock me in the trunk of the car and laugh when I would scream to get out. He told me I needed to toughen up.

I remember once I had done something that made him mad, but he didn't have time to "discipline" me then. Told me I was lucky. Two days later we had picked up a bed for my sister. He built the bed, made it, then looked at me and said, it time to take care of you now. He pushed me into my room and did the routine. He would tell me in the morning he was going to come home and whip me and I would spend all day praying he would forget. He never did.

When I was six, I had a pink shirt with Garfield on the front. I remember him telling me to put it away. I was six...I folded it as best a six year old could and put it in the wrong drawer. This set him off. This was the angriest I remember him being. I couldn't go to school after the incident. When I did return, I remember my teacher asking me something that lead me to say my daddy hit me. She sent me to the nurse and the nurse checked me for bruises. The police were called to my house. I don't remember anything about them being there other than they being there and my mother being furious at me for showing the nurse my backside. Shortly after, my mother and father split up and My mother, sister, and I moved in with my grandparents.

At first, my dad was attentive. We saw him every weekend. Talked to him on the phone almost every day. But one day I had called, and he couldn't hear me. I called again, he couldn't hear me. I called the next day, he couldn't hear me. I called again and his girlfriend, Pam, could and put him on the phone. He said he didn't know why he couldn't hear me and it must have been the connection. This happened for a month. I wasn't stupid and when he answered the phone I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Daddy i know you can hear me and I love you and wish you would love me." He hung up.

In this time frame, the excuses started with why he couldn't see up. The last time my mom tried to drop us off, he answered the door, I remember him being naked. He told us we had to leave, that we couldn't visit and closed the door. That was the last time I was dropped off for a visit. I was eight. There were a few phone calls, promises of visits, promises of lots of things. It is heartbreaking to know at the age of eight that your father has no intention of taking care of you or seeing you, and soon even talking to you.

A few years later, I answered the phone and heard a very familiar voice ask for my mother. She was at work. He asked me if I knew who he was. I said, "Yes, Lee. I know who you are." He went into a I've missed you, I want to make it up to you, but I've been sick. Same speech I had heard a dozen times. After we hung up, I called my mother at work asking why she had been hiding him from me. In my mind, she knew where he was and was talking to him, but didn't tell me. She was hiding him from me. For my own good, now that i can look back as an adult. I was so confused. We did end up seeing him...In a mental hospital, where he had been committed for trying to commit suicide. That was the last time I saw my father. I was 12.

When my father was released, he moved to Colorado to take care of his mother. And at first, the phone calls were regular, I think there were some letters. For Christmas, he sent me a bible. I am not nor have i ever been religious and didn't understand the gift. My father was angry because I didn't appreciate it. I was 12! All I cared about was New Kids on the Block and having bangs. I still have the bible. He wrote in it. It's the only gift he had given me. And while I may not have any interest in reading it, I know it is there.

Soon the letters stopped, the phone calls dwindled. Soon his phone was disconnected. I would have to call my grandmother and tell her I lost his number and she would give me the new one. This game continued until 1994. Around this time, my father wanted me to go to Colorado and see him. Told me he was saving up to buy my an airplane ticket. Called me one day to tell me he had purchased it with United and he couldn't wait to see me. I called United and what do you know, no plane ticket. I called him out and the lies started flowing how the airline made a mistake and he would fix it. I gave up.

My best friend in high school's name was Shannon. She had moved to Colorado for a year and came back. Her family had to drive up to pick up a few things and invited me to come along. I accepted. Shannon's father asked me if i wanted to see my dad. That he would drive me to Denver if i wanted. I declined. I knew Lee wouldn't want to see me. I enjoyed my trip and seeing parts of the land that I may have never seen otherwise.

While I was gone, my father had called. I don't know how the conversation went, but he knew I had been in Colorado. The phone call I got when I was back home I have titled "The Best and Worst Moment of My Life." Lee screamed at me, what an ungrateful bitch I was, and how dare I not tell him I was going to Colorado. How dare I keep that from him. I stuck up for myself. I said he hadn't given two shits about me for years, he lied all the time, and I deserve better. He then told me I was not to talk to my father that way. I told him, if you acted like my father, even once, maybe I could show you that respect. I also said, I know you are lying to Grandma about why you don't talk to us and why you don't see us. She was ill at that time, so i told him, I will let her continue thinking that her only son is a model human being and father. He thanked me. He thanked me for protecting him from my poor grandmother who thought my mother was keeping us from her. He then said to me that if I wanted to be in his life, I had to call him. I said NO! You are the adult, you are my father, if you want to be in my life, you will call me. I was 16...I never talked to him again.

On July 28th, my mother called me telling me that a police officer had come to her door looking for my sister. That my sister had to call someone regarding a person in Wyoming. My mother called and got in touch with a lovely woman. This lovely woman is a coroner and was trying to find my sister to notify her my father was dead.

I was and still am a little in shock. I never thought I would know when Lee passed away. I thought it would happen and I would spend my entire life wondering. I have looked for my father every year, around his birthday, and hope I could find him. I don't have to look anymore.

After 20 years of not having Lee in my life, he is now overwhelming it. I have had to sign documents giving permission to cremate him, sell what belongings he had, and provide what information I could for his death certificate. Which I suppose is normal for a child to do for their parent, but I can't help feeling like I shouldn't have had to do this. Then all my anger rose to the surface again. And what saved me from completely going into some weird rage-filled place was this coroner.

She has gone beyond the duties of her job. Really. I don't know anything specific because she can't tell me until his case is closed. But she told me that he lived alone, his neighbors didn't see him for weeks at a time. Even his close friend said he wouldn't see him for weeks. That he was having a very hard time coping with trauma he experienced as a child. His records indicate suicidal thoughts, anger problems, and he was not dealing with it all well. The only reason anyone knew he passed was he was a Veteran, a fact I did not know. They do welfare calls to check on vets from time to time. He didn't answer his phone.

He died alone. He died alone and probably felt like no one loved him. And as much as I had been angry with him, I found that I was beginning to feel sad for him. That whatever demons he had, they were too much for him. And in all this anger and sadness, I found that I did have love for my father. That he gave me life, and maybe that was all he could give me.

I know I will never get the answers I want as to why my father chose to leave us behind and battle his thoughts alone. I will never quite understand. Maybe it was to spare us from watching him deteriorate. Maybe he didn't want to make his demons, mine and my sisters'. Little did he know that he did.

I wish he knew that I never stopped looking and I would have done anything to help him. In the end I just wanted him to love me, and I hope he did.

I Can't Drive

2011-07-24T17:36:00.000-07:00

My first car was a 1991 Ford Escort LX that I named Mollie. I purchased Mollie before I even had a license. I didn't get my license until I was 18. I wasn't in a super hurry to get a car or anything, but it got to a point where if I wanted to go anywhere, I had to do it myself. I failed my driving test the first time. I didn't even get to finish my test, I messed up so bad, the lady had me go back to the DMV. The second time, I barely passed. I think I had one more error I could make before failing again.

The first thing I did when I got my license was drive to my friend April's house in Mollie, rocking out to No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom. Mollie gave me the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I could go to friends' houses without having to take a bus or get a ride. I could drive to and from work. I could take care of myself. One night I was driving on the 8 east in San Diego when my check engine light came on, the car turned off, and at 2 in the morning, was able to take an off ramp and park in a parking lot. She wouldn't re-start. I called Jody and he came and picked me up and dropped me off at home. At 6am, the tow truck dropped Mollie off in front of my house. I don't remember what exactly happened, but it would require a new engine. I sold Mollie to one of Jody's co-worker's for $600 and he put a new engine in it for his daughter. I was completely devastated. I cried when they towed her away. I didn't take care of her like I should have. I was completely naive to oil changes and tune ups. I hope where ever she ended up, she was taken care of.

My second car was a 1992 Pontiac Sunbird. It was a white convertible. I thought it was cute and I needed a car. Almost immediately, I started having problems with her. I didn't even name her. She cost me so much stress and headache, I actually came to resent the car. It was my fault for not shopping around and I know that. I am such an impulse shopper. You would think I would learn from my mistakes.

My third car was a 1998 Plymouth Breeze. She was gold and I named her Dorothy. I made sure I took car of this car. Made sure all my oil changes, tune ups, ect was taken care of. She was a good car. She was also a grandma car. At least that's what most of my friends said. But I didn't care, I felt safe in Dorothy and would rather feel safe then not. I had Dorothy for five years. As good as she was, her repairs were becoming more costly and soon becoming more than what she was worth. So I traded her in for my current car, BoJangles, or, BoJo for short.

BoJo is a 2003 Blue PT Cruiser. He was the first car I purchased without a parent co-signing and the first car I felt had a male personality. I always wanted a PT Cruiser because it had an old car look to it. Again, I made sure I kept up on maintenance and took good care of the BoJo. I was smart enough to purchase a warranty for BoJo and thank the heavens I did. Between sensor and CPU problems, Without the warranty, I would have had to put in $7k-$8k in repairs for him in the last year. My warranty expired in April of this year. Just in time for my transmission to start leaking, my CPU to crash, my sensors to give out. I have been in Tucson for 28 days. I have been to the mechanic seven times. I have paid $2k in repairs and I am getting to the point where I am ready to move on. Part of me is extremely sad about that. I love BoJo, but I don't have the funds to shell out $500 every three months. Also, with the last break down, I don't know that I feel safe. Even thought the Service Manager and the mechanic both have reassured me he is safe to drive.

So I am thinking that after I pay off the debt I have accumulated from his repairs, I will be looking into getting a new car. I think I want a Honda. But I am not sure. I have some time to think and consider. I am also taking suggestions.

I will say that I think BoJo is finally fixed. Just in time for me to run a red light, which I swear was yellow, Getting my picture taken by the lovely red light camera, and barely miss hitting someone making a u-turn who obviously didn't look to see if more cars were coming. From what I understand, Arizona law is you have to serve a person with a ticket in person. That if they send it via mail, I am not obligated to pay it. So, I will have to see if I even get one. Apparently the camera also can tell if you were speeding. Well, when I saw the light turn yellow, I stepped on the gas. I don't know if I was speeding, but I may be ticketed for speeding too. Opps! I am just so over cars and driving right now.

Anniversaries

2011-07-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

Two anniversaries have happened in the last week, week and a half. On July 7th, Derek and I have been married for eight years. Even though we spent the 7th year and the beginning of our 8th apart, we are both very excited what the rest of the year will bring us. We have both done a lot of soul searching, a lot of growing up. I think we are both kicking ourselves for wasting the last year. But who knows what would have happened to us if we didn't experience it. I think about it from time to time. Would we still be married? Would I be in Tucson? We will never know and there really is no reason to dwell on it. As hard as the last year was for me, I am thankful for it. I really am.

The second event, for lack of a better term, was on the 15th. On July 15, 2010, I released the first Hello Nessa episode. The show that I started for three reasons. The first was I still wanted my foot planted in the podcasting community. Second was I needed a place to vent my frustrations. And third, I really had no idea who I was or wanted to be. All I knew was I was lost, frustrated, and hurting. As most of you can tell, I am an emotional girl. I was so scared that me showing that side of myself would scare some of you off, or, like in elementary school, I would be teased relentlessly. I was surprised, grateful, and humbled by the support and love I received from my listener pals. I was able to connect with you, share your stories, be supportive.

I originally got into podcasting because the podcasters I interacted with took their time and made me feel like I belonged and made me feel like I was apart of something special. I wanted to do that for others. I wanted to interact with people everywhere and have them feel as important as the podcasters I loved made me feel. I hope I have succeeded; even on a small scale.

As some of you know, I have been a podcaster for four years across three different shows. It wasn't always fun, and lets face it, some of it was drama infested and almost ruined it for me. But I was encouraged to keep going and my voice was important. I am so very grateful for those who did and continue to encourage me, support me, and have shared their lives with me.

Donna Suggarz from Big Silly Homo asked me what was my favorite episode I did. The first one that came to my mind was episode 15 called Ally. I discussed my thoughts and feelings on the gay youth committing suicide. Having one person contact me and say, "You made me think." was worth it. I have done 54 episodes over the last year and I am proud of every single one of them. Each of them have given me an outlet to express my self. They have given me an opportunity to grieve, an opportunity to celebrate, an opportunity to connect with my listener pals, and lastly, understand myself a little bit more.

As I tackle more subjects, I will be honest as I can with you. As the bad parts are tackled, there will be more room for me to let in the good. And as those good times happen, I will share them with me as long as you'll let me. So, as I reflect on this journey to get to know myself, what have I learned...I have learned:

Letting my guard down is so very hard
Sometimes you need to face the bad in your life to heal and to appreciate the good
I will eventually like myself

Am I perfect, no. Will I be? I hope not. I am learning to embrace what makes me, me. And I am finding that I am not so bad.

Between the Two

2011-07-10T16:58:00.000-07:00

I had a hell of a time trying to come up with a topic for this week. The more I thought about it, the more blocked I became. And no fiber jokes, thank you very much.

So I took to the twitters and said I had pod-block. Both Big Fatty and Virginia suggested that I talk about the differences between San Diego and Tucson. Great idea that I should have totally thought about.

I think the first thing I really noticed between the two cities was the traffic lights. In San Diego, the cars turning get the green light first. In Tucson, the straight-a-way cars get first dibs, then the turning lanes get to go. Keeping on the subject of cars; In San Diego, when you have to have an emissions test, you have to make an appointment, pay $60-$100 bucks (depending on the car) and the test takes 10-15 minutes. In Tucson, you don't make an appointment, you can check online the wait times at the stations, the test costs $12.25 and took less than two minutes. Then the DMV! i don't know if I lucked out or what, but here in Arizona you don't make an appointment. You get your number and wait. I was called to the window before the lady had let go of the number. I re-registered my car and had my new license plate in hand in 10 minutes. I got my picture taken and had my Arizona driver's license in hand and registered to vote in five. California DMV? Forget it. You have to make an appointment to get a number to wait. It takes forever, costs more, and they mail your plates and license to you. It just seems like Arizona is more organized. I was only out of the house for maybe an hour and a half with driving time. I was amazed!

People seem more relaxed here in Tucson. Like it's too damn hot to be stressed and angry. And they're nicer than people you would run across in San Diego. Like today, I was at the Safeway, or Vons Southwest, and a guy smiled and asked me how my day was going. The other day, I went to a "Tucson Institution" called Eegees. They do slushies and sammies and I told the cashier I had never been there. She told me what was popular and what she liked. She didn't sound like she was forced to do it. She even pointed out a menu I could take home if I wanted. When I rented a car, the agent pulled out a map and outlined where I was looking to go instead of selling me the GPS rental. She also gave me her pen because it was purple and she could tell I liked purple. I haven't met one person that was rude or indifferent. Its bizarre.

As far as geography is concerned, Tucson is flat and surrounded by mountains. Where I lived in San Diego, it was a valley, lots of hills, and windy roads and I would get lost all the time. Everything here is pretty square and easy to navigate. I haven't been lost once. Makes me feel more confident about my move that I am not stuck in one spot because everything is hard to find. Also...I don't have to get on a freeway or highway to get to the airport. In San Diego it was the 125 to the 94 to the 5. Tucson is heaven for a driver like me.

Mom and pop places seem to thrive out here too. There are the McDonalds, the Chilis, the Pizza Huts. But there are just as many family owned joints that are making it. I love that. San Diego...Not so much.

Big Fatty specifically asked about dust storms. I have not witnessed one, but there was a "SEVERE WEATHER WARNING" for one that said when it starts, you pull over to the side of the road, turn off your car and lights and wait it out. Heather in Phoenix told me that if you keep your lights on, someone may try to follow you and rear-end you. I am sure I will be caught in one eventually, but so far so good. Everyday that I have been here, there has been some sort of weather warning. Between the heat and the monsoon storms, it's heat this, flash flood that. But I am getting used to the heat and everything. Today it was 90 and I felt like it was cooler. Well granted 90 is cooler than 100, but I wasn't immediately sweating.

All in all, I would say that Tucson has a small town feeling to it. I don't feel like everything is so smashed together. I like the vibe of the city. OH and people are fat here! LOL! I should say fat, a better description would be chubby. At my old office, we had a ton of itty bitties and a couple chubbies. In my new office, there are more chubby girls than the itty bittys. Probably because its TOO DAMN HOT to go outside. :)

I think that's a good place to stop. I am digging my new home, I don't miss San Diego so much as I miss my sister and my friends. But I am finding my nitch here. I dig it.

I do not, however, love my upstairs neighbors. I have decided they all weight 700 pounds and are doing Sweating to the Oldies work outs as noisy as they are. JEBUS!

Five Hours and Fifty-Five Minutes

2011-07-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

This is how long it took me to drive from Santee, CA to Tucson AZ. Derek had worked things out with his job to come with me for a few days because I was overwhelmed. The long drive and the thought of being alone kicked in and I was stressed out. So at 4:00 am, Derek and I climbed into BoJo (the car) and set out on Highway 8 towards Yuma. The animals behaved themselves wonderfully and the drive went off without a hitch.

This drive really had me freaked. I had never driven further than Palm Springs, and half way home from that trip I was ready to die. But I managed to keep calm and focused, even after 3 hours of sleep, and not get lost once! It would actually be hard to get lost since it is one highway for 75% of the time.

We arrived at a Circle K gas station down the street from my new place at 9:55 am. We stopped so I could pick up another 5 hour energy drink and Derek could get a doughnut. I called my new place's leasing office and made my way down to sign everything and get the keys.

We got in and I set the litter box up and we unloaded the car of what little contents it had. I drank what was probably my 10th bottle of water and laid on my new bedroom floor waiting for Todd (the work husband) and Chris (work husband's cousin in law) to arrive with the Uhaul. They arrived at noon when it was 104 degrees. I have found that when it is 110, 113 degrees, 104 is damn nice. I never thought I would ever walk outside ant it be 100 degrees, I would think wow, it's nice out.

Todd, Chris, and Derek unloaded the Uhaul in record time, an hour tops. I started unpacking, made the bed, found towels for the boys so they could shower. Derek played Mario Kart while Todd and I joked about co-workers and laughed. Then came the goodbye I didn't want to make. I took Todd and Chris to the airport. Over the last six years, I have considered Todd to be my best friend. He was my work husband. He made sure I was ok. And here I was, hugging him good bye telling him that his next wife better not be a bitch. I really hope that he and I keep in touch. I love the kid. He is a kind soul. He's just a good man. I miss seeing his mug already.

On Derek's last full day here in Tucson and my third day here, we decided that we would go to this 32,000 square foot antique place up the road and maybe find me a dresser. We went to lunch and as I got back on the road, my battery light came on. I said, what the fuck! by the time I finished that sentence, my check engine and oil light came on and the car died. I managed to get BoJo to the side and luckily there was a tree! We waited for the tow truck to take us to my local Chrysler dealership. The good news is, Bojo didn't break down on my way here. The bad is it cost $1,300 to fix him. The CPU that feeds the power to the car died. I am so glad my new commute is less than one mile.

So I dropped Derek off at the airport on Wednesday and came home and slept. The heat does take a lot out of you and plus I hadn't slept right due to the move, being in a new place, and dealing with Jazzmin who has decided that meowing at 4 in the morning is fun. Early Thursday morning, I experienced my first monsoon storm. Thunder, lightning, and rain that fell so hard, I thought it was hailing. Eddie, a twitter pal and a Tucson resident, said I will learn to love them. It just scared the shit out of me. The thunder shook the house.

I went to work on Thursday and met my new co-workers. It is a very small department right now. And the building set up is so bizarre. But I feel good about the people I am going to work with. They seem to have my sense of humor and really made me feel welcome. I don't regret my move at all. I do miss Derek and my friends a ton, but I feel good about my choice.

I was supposed to start work on the third, but because of license issues, I can't start until Tuesday. All this time off has me a little bored. And with it being 113 yesterday, I don't feel like climbing into my car and heading out. So I am learning how my direct TV works and playing Mario Kart. Looking at different places on Yelp that I want to go to, waiting for it to be cool enough to take Maggie out to play. Who knew 100 degrees would be cool enough. It is currently 12:41 am as I write this and it is 92. Ugh. Everyone told me, it would be hot, but Christ on crutches!

So, while Derek was here we made it a point to visit different places while he was here. I was surprised how open he was to try different things. Instead of immediately shunning things, he gave it a try. We ate at little mom and pop places and talked about us a lot. It was really like how he and I were in the beginning. We both have let so much of our anger and frustration go and found we really do have love and adoration for one another and both want to share that with each other. I miss him terribly. He is coming to visit at the end of the month. Then he will move here at the end of August. Just in time for our divorce to be final LOL! But Derek has said he is going to ask me to marry him again. I can't explain how I feel to know that Derek fought for me once and was willing to do it again. I know he loves me and I am sad that I ever doubted that. But whatever is out there has given us a second chance to be together.

My friends, a magical thing happens when two people find each other that normally wouldn't have. If you know in your heart that what you feel is right and true, I say chase after it. We all deserve to be happy and complete. You never know where you will find the person who sparks that happiness inside you. If could be in the produce department at Vons, It could be someone standing in line with you at the DMV, it could be someone you met on the internet. I believe things happen for a reason and have purpose. If you are lucky to recognize the chance presented to you, embrace it! Even if the happiness is just for one week, one month, forever, embrace it. This has been the lesson I have learned over the last few months and I share that with you my listener pals, my friends.

http://youtu.be/yAiHve2JZvU - Samson, Regina Spektor (with lyrics)

A return to blogging and transcriptions

2011-06-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

After learning that a friend of mine has lost the majority of his hearing, I immediately thought about how I was going to keep him involved in my life. My poor neglected blog was the first thing that sprung to mind. So this blog will now become a loose transcript of what my podcasts are. For my dear friend and for anyone else who cares to read.

Today, I was driving to the mechanic when Backstabber, by the Dresden Dolls came on. I am a big fan of Amanda Palmer and have always loved this song. Problem with me and songs is I always relate them to something or someone. I have "dedicated" Backstabber to several people. Mostly women.

Growing up, I don't think I ever had a good relationship with another woman. I think this may relate to the daddy issues I have. Women are too competitive and extremely judgey. Of course, this isn't every woman and I am being extremely general. I am speaking from my own experiences and only those. I would hope I don't fall into this category, but I know I have more than a time or two.

I have very few female friends and it takes a lot to let a female into my "circle." I am always guarded when it comes to actually befriending another woman. My experiences have not been pleasant. I all too often throw my heart into the ring, only to have something happen that leaves me crushed. A prime example of this is Gina. I wrote a blog about Gina some time ago, but I can't seem to find it. I met Gina in the 10th grade and we immediately hit it off. Her and I became fast, and best friends and spent a lot of time together. Gina and I got our first jobs at the same place, spent at least six out of seven days of the week together, and lived together on three separate occasions.

During high school, a mutual friend of our told me that Gina had been sleeping with our married boss. I didn't believe her. I asked Gina and she swore on anything it wasn't true and the friend was jealous of our friendship and trying to split us up. I went to this girl's house ready to beat some ass. How dare anyone make Gina sound like anything less than goodness and light! I confronted the girl and she stuck to her story. I told her I couldn't be her friend if she was going to lie and Gina and I continued on our friendly way.

Five or six years later, Gina and I were living together and she got pregnant. The father had no job, no car, other children from different women, sold and did drugs. She let him move in without asking . He hated my cats, he didn't think he should have to contribute to cleaning or paying any bills, and he was letting people in and out of the house. It was miserable. When our lease was up, I moved out. I gave my rent and bill money to Gina and said adios. Gina didn't pay the rent that month. A year later, I had collections calling me for the $600 balance when the deposit couldn't cover the rent. Gina was no where to be found. I coughed up the funds.

Gina emailed me about a month later and her message was like we were still thick as thieves. Of course, I address the money and she disappears again. I just let it go. Obviously she needed the money. With a new son and a worthless baby-daddy, it wasn't worth fighting about.

I got together for lunch with another mutual friend of mine and she said her and Gina had a "truth day." They got together and asked one another questions and they answered then honestly. Turns out Gina was sleeping with the married boss. And had lied straight to my face about it. I was devastated. Not only because she lied, but I left another friendship in the dust because I thought she was lying. It was one of the times that really broke my heart. I have since apologized to the person who was truthful, but what does it even mean almost ten years later?

A couple years ago, I learned Gina had breast cancer and wanted to reconnect. I have decided not to. I am sorry she has to experience it, I feel worse for her sons because, from what I understand, she may not make it more than five years. I feel for her as a person, but the Gina I was friends with didn't exist.

There have been others along the way that have earned their Backstabber "dedication." I have let it affect how I make friends, especially with women. In addition to the competitiveness and judgement, i also find that I don't have a great deal in common with women. I find that I would rather drink and party with the boys because I don't have to worry about them knit-picking what I say, do, or wear. Some say my friendships with gay men is just like befriending a woman. I think that statement is hilariously inaccurate. Those boys love me for me, and that's it. I don't think I have ever had that with a female, and don't think I could.

My biggest blessing and my biggest curse is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and will love anyone who will let me. I have met some outstanding people and a few bitches and assholes. I can't stop reaching out to people because I am afraid they are going to hurt me. I might miss out on a really great human being if I live that way.

Another subject - my internet/podcasting pals.

It is easy to say I love you or I adore you online without any meaning behind it. I do throw around the term "I love you" pretty loosely. I will say that I have a genuine affection for anyone who has taken the time to listen to something I say or read something I wrote. There are some of you that I correspond with on a regular basis that I genuinely care for, love, and/or admire. There are also a handful of you that have broke my heart. Just keep in mind that while it is easy to put a persona out there, there are human beings behind it. And sometimes things said or not said, done or not done, hurt just as much.

To go out on a good note- With my move to Tucson, I feel like I am in for a new batch of people that could change my mind. I don't plan on letting my past experiences taint what relationships I could have with whomever I may meet. I am very excited about that.

30 Day Song Meme Day 9

2010-11-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

Day 09. A song that you can dance to (supposing I dance)

Oh Yeah.

30 Day Song Meme Day 8

2010-11-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

Day 08. A song that you know all the words to

This is also one of my favorite songs. I even remember the first time I heard it, i was at a school dance when I was 11. Fell in love immediately.

30 Day Song Meme Day 7

2010-11-20T11:59:00.000-08:00

Day 07. A song that reminds you of a certain event

I have heard this song everyday for the last month. Before that, I hadn't heard it in over seven years. I heard this song millions of times driving to and from the hotel where Derek and I had our honeymoon. So this song reminds me of my wedding day.

30 Day Song Meme Day 6

2010-10-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

Day 06. A song that reminds you of somewhere

I heard this song in a department store on Prince's St. in Edinburgh, Scotland. Anytime I hear this song I remember exactly what I was doing and who I was with. I was walking down stairs to go to the women's department with my sister-in-law Fiona. They had TVs everywhere playing this video. I said, Oh, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. And Fiona said, I don't know who that is. Not sure why I remember this at all.

30 Day Song Meme Day 5

2010-10-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

Day 05. A song that reminds you of someone

I'm 14 and he was my first love. He would randomly call and sing this song. We were weird kids.

30 Day Song Meme Day 4

2010-10-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

Day 04. A song that makes you sad

I had it narrowed down to two songs. This one made me cry first.

This comment on the youtube didn't help...

"Makes me miss my late wife so much. The first time I saw her wearing her "Micky Mouse" sweat shirt. Her Long brown hair, and bright blue eyes, and big smile. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I was so luicky; even if for only 10 short years."

I hope that man finds peace somewhere...

30 Day Song Meme Day 3

2010-10-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

Day 03. A song that makes you happy

Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

30 Day Song Meme #2

2010-10-07T00:37:00.000-07:00

Day 02. Your least favorite song

Easy...I cringe when I hear this song.

Stolen from Bjorn and Walt

2010-09-30T14:57:00.000-07:00

30 Day Song Meme!

Day 01. Your favorite song

Of all time?! This is like asking me to pick between my children...If I had any.

About a Girl, Nirvana

I am stronger than I give myself credit for

2010-07-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my 7 year anniversary. When I woke up, I felt confused. I thought I was going to be devastated and feel sorry for myself, and I didn't. I went to work and my pals did a good job keeping my mind off of it. I didn't think about it at all really.

Then I did something that i have been putting off because it made the divorce too real for me, I closed the joint bank account. This was the last thing other than the lease Derek and I had in both of our names. Then I came home, cried a little bit. Said something on twitter I shouldn't have because I was upset. Then got myself together and went for a walk. I went to my sisters and hung out with her and Mike. Met her boyfriend. He is very nice.

I came home and watched Dog the bounty hunter and fell asleep. Other than the time I was upset, it really wasn't as big of a deal as I was afraid of it being. I also got a bunch of stuff together for my little show. I am so excited about it, but at the same time, I have no idea what I will be talking about. I have some ideas. I just hope I don't bore everyone to tears.

Today I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I slept a lot. i needed it, I haven't slept more than 4 or 5 hours a night for weeks. I finally got up and hit the Target and made tomato cobbler that is in the oven now.

I am considering going back to being a vegetarian, but haven't decided. I will just take it as it comes and make my decisions when i am ready.

I just want to make a change

2010-07-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I'll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
Cause I feel like I'm the worst
So I always act like I'm the best

So here it begins...

2010-07-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well, my pals that read this on a regular basis will know the news. Derek and I are divorcing. With this divorce is coming a number of changes. I am trying to remain positive in this new journey. I still have bad days and I am entitled. Today was a rough one. Made the mistake of listening to a song, but I need to cry sometimes. I am not a robot.

I miss my podcast and I have missed interacting with the lot of you. So I am making plans for a new show. Not sure how it will work, what I will do, what I will talk about. But I am determined not to become the bitter divorcée and deepen my inability to leave my house. When I do release anything, I will post announcements via twitter or facebook. I am hoping some of my podcasting pals will help me spread the word too. This blog will not be related to whatever show I decide to do. I want to keep them separate. So I won't be making any further announcements here.

You would be proud of me, I have been out walking. Not a terrible amount of distance, but I take the dog out every day for at least 20 minutes. This used to be Derek's job. Now I do it. Sometimes, I will drop Maggie back at home and keep walking. A HUGE accomplishment for me. Last week, I walked 17 miles. That is amazing for me.

I went to the San Diego Fair with my sister. I walked around with her and ate deep fried butter! I didn't really care if anyone was looking either.

I went to my friend Sarah's and she waxed my eyebrows. We hung out and talked and I had a great time. I am working on changing this shut-in quality I gained during the last seven years of my life. It is still hard, but I have made myself go and do things I haven't had to do for a long time. I washed my car for the first time in like 3 years. Gross I know. It sounds so silly that I am proud that i go grocery shopping, or I go to the bank. But I am.

The big news besides my divorce is I am making a move. In March of next year I will be on my way to Idaho. My parents have graciously offered me a place to stay until I get on my feet. A new state, a new job, new people. I am scared to the point of tears, but if I can do this, i can do pretty much anything. I have spent my entire 32 years in San Diego. I have never known anything other than here. But I long to have my family close and to make a real home for myself. I will so much about California, but it's time. I am a little excited, I already have Erik in Seattle promising drinks and Nicole and Christina will be like an hour away. Walt, you will need to come visit since Erik is an hour plane ride away from my new home. Erik should be reason enough ;)

I am hoping that i can save enough money to go to Florida in the winter. I need to get away and I have a group of people I need to meet. I have found so much support during this hard time from all corners of the earth. I can't even thank y'all enough. Even though I have not been very public about the goings on here, It is so comforting to know I could contact someone if I need to.

I think this is all I can do right now. I am getting emotional and I need to walk it off. I plan on writing more often. I need to purge my emotions. I want to remain positive and hope y'all will forgive the occasional bad day.

Nessa XO

My New Obsession

2010-06-17T13:08:00.001-07:00

Marina and the Diamonds

Hot damn it's so good!

The best thing about this song is the line that says, "Girls they never befriend me cause I fall asleep when they speak of all the calories they eat."

So good. Has kept me sane the last month.

A - Z Music I love, Z is for Zeppelin

2010-04-19T20:24:00.001-07:00

Yea, yea, you could get me on a technicality, but you can also suck it! Hehe! During spring break of my 10th grade year, I spent hours with Brian and Josh listening to Houses of the Holy and and doing our own horrible versions. Liking Led Zeppelin in high school is almost mandatory. Every now and then when I hear them on the radio, I think fondly of that spring break and how dorky we were, but it was awesome. This is my most favorite song from this band. This also ends my A through Z blog posts :) (for now muahahaha)

A - Z Music I Love, Y is for Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2010-04-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

I have been told that this song isn't their best. I say I don't care cause I love it. I don't know much about this band, but I know I have liked what I have heard and Karen O is pretty.

A - Z Music I love, X is for XTC

2010-04-19T20:07:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I don't know any other band that begins with X, but I am fine with that. I am actually new to XTC. I had heard of XTC because an ex-boyfriend was named after an XTC song, which I never heard until the day we broke up. It randomly played on the radio. About seven years ago, I purchased a box set of new wave music. And this song was one of my favorites in the set.

A - Z Music I Love, W is for Weezer

2010-04-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

I was in the 10th grade when the Blue Album was released. I was in Art History class and the teacher let us listen to the radio and we each had a turn picking a station. A senior named Kim picked the town's alternative station and I hear Undone (The Sweater Song). I was in the middle of my NIRVANA IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD, I don't want to say phase, cause they are. But I would pay little mind to the "nerd rock" scene. But I fell in love with the Blue album, Pinkerton is still in my top ten of favorite albums, The Green Album was good too. I am not so much into Weezer so much anymore, but I still have a soft spot for the band that made it seem ok to listen to more than Nirvana.

=w=

A - Z Music I Love, V is for Violent Femmes

2010-04-19T19:51:00.001-07:00

Right after I got my license, My pal Shannon, her boyfriend Tom, and I hopped into Mollie, my 1991 Ford Escort, and we went down to the beach to sit outside the bar where The Violent Femmes were performing. Despite not really getting to "see" them, the show was fantastic.

The Violent Femmes also provided the soundtrack of when a friend of mine and I would cruise around town. She ended up being a mega bitch, but back then, we were always hanging out. Going to shows to see a co-worker's band. Going to Coco's and counting down the tip based on the service. Being 19 was the best.

A - Z Music I Love, U is for The Used

2010-04-11T21:36:00.001-07:00

The Used reminds me of a relationship in my younger days. This person was and will forever will be important to me.

A - Z Music I Love, T is for Tori Amos

2010-04-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

Tori's voice is beautiful, her music is hot. Her music can take me to places in my mind, it is almost like being Alice in Wonderland. Eclectic and memorizing. Sweet and sexy. Hurtful and dirty. There is not one single word I can pinpoint to describe Tori. Of all the music I love, she is my favorite woman.

I discovered Tori because I'm a thief. I was at a friend's house and one of his friends left a box of CD's. I found Little Earthquakes and thought, huh, I've heard of this chick. So I swiped the CD. I know, horrible of me. Now, if I find any Tori album, I have to have it. Who cares if I have 10 versions of Precious Things?! I love every single one of them.

A - Z Music I Love, S is for Saves the Day

2010-04-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Saves the Day is another band Melanie introduced me to in 1999/2000. This is one of my favorite songs because I always wished I could go to Jersey and Melanie and I would drive somewhere and rock out to this song. Hey I was 20 and didn't have a care in the world and I think this song described what I was feeling at the time. Anytime I here this song I think about my pal Melanie tons.

I miss when emo was good. I bet Bjorn is puking right now.

A - Z Music I Love, R is for Rilo Kiley

2010-04-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

I saw Rilo Kiley perform this song on Craig Ferguson one night and said I need this album. What this album brought was my love affair with Jenny Lewis. Who knew an actress who did a few episodes of the Golden Girls, stared in the Wizard with Fred Savage, and was in Troop Beverly Hills with Shelly Long could write and sing songs that I would fall in love with.

A - Z Music I love, Q is for Queen

2010-04-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

Is there really another musical act that comes to my mind? Nope. Here is something I wrote about Queen in 2006:

I saw Queen with Paul Rogers last night in concert.

My mother's favorite band in the late 70's through the 80's was queen. My sister and I grew up on the beautiful, flawless voice of Freddie Mercury, The guitar god Brian May, Roger Taylor and his perfect percussion. (I don't have much to say about John Deacon, he always seemed to just be there).

I, growing up in the household filled with this wonderful music, had an appreciation of my own of Queen. Experiencing a sheer heart attack while spending a night at the Opera or having a day at the races. Remembering news of the world and the game, jazz will still be my favorite. I could write pages upon pages of how this band has an intricate (sp) part of my life. Spending hours listening to Prophet Song with my ear phones turned up loud, watching my sister dance around the living room to Radio Gaga. Singing every word to Mustapha even though I had no idea what the words meant. Listening to Love of Life over and over again when David Brannon broke my heart. secretly laughing to myself when I'd listen to Fairy Feller's Master Stroke.

I was always trying to find my place in my musical world, what genre would I be classified in (when I thought it mattered). Rap, heavy metal, pop. Through all the experimental times with music, queen was a constant.

In 1991, I thought my 13 year old life was over when I heard that Freddie had passed. Knowing I would never get to experience his presence on stage and how sad would my mom be when I told her when she got home. I have only been sad when two musical persons had passed, the first was Freddie and the second was Kurt.

Though I have finally found the music I can listen to over and over and over....Queen is still a big part of my appreciation of musical art.

When I heard that Brian May and Roger Taylor would be touring as Queen and have Paul Rogers as the singer, I was curious. I mean Paul Rogers was great with Bad Company...but Freddie's boots are hard to fill. I was scared he would try too much to be him.

To my surprise and extreme delight, This concert was amazing to say the least. I was in such awe of the performance...stunned...Paul made these Queen songs so dear to so many his own, but showed so much respect.

Towards the end, a tribute to Freddie in the form of Bohemian Rhapsody. His angelic voice coming out of speakers so loud it was like he was there and his beautiful face gracing the huge screens...I was brought to tears. I called my mom and held my phone in the air so she could hear it.

The best part of the whole night was being able to share this experience with Derek, April, Shari, and my sister. Although we don't agree on a lot where music is concerned, we all were able to share a moment so extraordinary....Freddie was there too.

Picking my favorite Queen song would be like asking me to pick my favorite child (If I had them). This song is one of my favorites off of Jazz. And it makes me think of my pal Brian.

A - Z Music I Love, P is for Peaches

2010-04-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

I love women who do whatever the fuck they want and make no excuses. Peaches is, in my opinion, an in your face bitch. Love her! Huh? What? right? Uh!

A - Z Music I Love, O is for OutKast

2010-04-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

OutKast to me is more than a rap group. I think they hit most of the elements I want from my music. Creativity and a sound you don't hear everywhere are at the top of those lists. There videos have a look to them that is unmistakably OutKast and I love the way Andre 3000 dresses. B.O.B was the first OutKast song I ever heard and went what the fuck is this?! in a good way.

A - Z Music I Love, N is for Nirvana

2010-04-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

In 1992, while the bulk of my friends were listening to pop music, I was struggling to find something that satisfied my ears and my soul. Sounds cheesy, but it is true. Music heals, feeds, warms your soul. People don't remember or don't know that. But some of us lucky bastards know when you hear a song or a voice or a melody, that will take us somewhere else or to a moment in time that has found a permanent place in our memory.

I stumbled across a radio station playing Lithium. I needed more. Listening to Bleach and Nevermind over and over. Something in that music spoke to something in me and like millions of other kids, Kurt Cobain became my hero, for a lack of a better term.

I still listen to Nirvana on a regular basis, I still love it, and damn do i feel old to hear that the 20th anniversary of Bleach was released this year. Bleach has my favorite Nirvana song. About a Girl to me is the ultimate love song. If someone made a mix tape (CD now a days) and included this song, I knew it was serious.

This post is coming up on the 18th anniversary of Kurt's death. A death I still morn, but more importantly, a life I still celebrate and music I truly love.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." Kurt Cobain

A - Z Music I Love, M is for Modest Mouse

2010-04-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how I found Modest Mouse. I really think it was back in the Napster days before iTunes and paying for music. I think I found Modest Mouse at the right time in my life. It was the end of a relationship and nothing was making sense. And here was Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset. Full of lyrics and music that made sense and at the same time...didn't.

A - Z Music I Love, L is for Lady Gaga

2010-04-01T13:39:00.001-07:00

I didn't want to love her. I was determined to hate her. But I saw her on Oprah, not performance wise, but her interview. She was thoughtful, intelligent, and so creative. She wasn't this pop music star in a package that some producer threw out and is about as creative as Jessica Simpson or similar. So, I listen to the Fame, over and over. I wouldn't consider myself a pop music fan, but when it's good, it's good. And Gaga is better than good.

A - Z Music I Love, K is for Kenny Loggins

2010-03-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

Yes..Kenny Loggins. Footloose, Danger Zone, I'm Alright, ect...

But one song haunts me. My mom said in passing that she wanted this song played at her funeral. I am not sure exactly why, but this song means something to her. Every time I hear it, it reminds me that I am going to lose her one day. It breaks my heart. My mom really means everything to me and becoming an adult child and having to come to terms with losing your parent is heart wrenching. It's a beautiful song and my mom really is a beautiful lady.

A - Z Music I Love, J is for Jimmy Eat World

2010-03-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Back when I first got internet access (like 1999/2000), I was in a random chatroom when a girl named Melanie sent me an IM. For some reason, we clicked. She lived in Jersey and was amazing. She introduced me to bands like Alkaline Trio, Jets to Brasil, and The Juliana Theory just to name a few. Her and I emailed and wrote letters back and forth for several years. When Derek and I got married, she wrote to me that I Derek was a lucky guy and she loved me. She called after that, but I missed the call. When I tried calling back, it was disconnected. I don't make friends with girls easily. Let's face it, girls are bitches. Melanie wasn't, she didn't want anything from me but to be a friend. I miss her. And she introduced me to this song and I will always think of her when I heard it.

A - Z Music I Love, I is for INXS

2010-03-19T14:44:00.001-07:00

There is not a whole lot I enjoy as far as music goes that starts with the letter 'I'. But then I was struck with a memory from my youth. My aunt used to watch my sister and I during the summer while my mommie was working. She used to turn on MTV and we would rock out to the videos. Although the song I selected is not a video that would have been on heavy rotation during those summers, INXS always reminds me of my aunt and how she encouraged us to find our inner rock star at the age of 10 and 6.

A - Z Music I Love, G is for Garth Brooks and H is for Hole

2010-03-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's right. I said Garth Brooks. I am not a huge fan of country music, but I can appreciate entertainment. When I was 19, maybe 20, I saw Garth in concert with my very first gay. His name was Alex and was the first openly gay man I had ever met. We would go to Hillcrest and hang out, I learned about drag queens and how you could probably tell a top from a bottom.

The concert was great and Alex and I had a great time. I miss Alex. He moved to San Francisco to be with his boyfriend and I never saw him again. I hope where ever he is, he is happy and doing well.

garth brooks If tomorrow never comes

It is surprising to a lot of people that I would like Hole. Yes Courtney is a train wreck, but aren't we all at some point? Hole was different from anything I was listening to at that point and taught me that women can rock, that they don't have to be soft and dainty. Women don't have to be quiet and shy. Train wreck as she may be, Courtney gave me a different look on how a talented woman can be.

A - Z Music I Love, E is for Elliott Smith and F is for the Fire Theft

2010-03-12T17:39:00.000-08:00

Of Course E would be for Elliott. Elliott is my heart. I was a late comer to the Elliott game. He was already gone when I fell in love. The majority of his songs speak to me, as corny as that sounds. It is like he is describing to the world how I feel, but was too afraid to say on my own. Sometimes when I get sad, listening to Elliott reminds me that I am not alone in that pain, and I find solace in that. This might not make sense to a lot of people, but that's OK. Another extraordinary artist gone entirely too soon, and I miss him. And to quote Elliott, "I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow."

The Fire Theft is my selection for F for one song. I haven't heard a great deal of the Fire Theft, but where ever I heard this song, it resonated with me so much that I can't forget it. I know I first heard it shortly after Derek and I got married. I just found it to be a beautiful song and sometimes I just listen to it over and over again.

A - Z Music I Love, D is for Def Leppard

2010-03-10T16:25:00.000-08:00

There are actually a few "D" musical acts I love, but Def Leppard has the distinction as being my first concert. I was 15 and my best friend Janessa (cute right) went with my mom and her best friend. I also saw them a second time a few years ago when they toured with Journey (another guilty pleasure). I love my 80's music, it holds a special place in my heart. Mostly because it's what my mom listened to. If it weren't for my mom, I don't think I would have the music appreciation I have today. This is my favorite Def Leppard song.

The A-Z Music I Love, C is for Coldplay

2010-03-09T16:15:00.000-08:00

Now before anyone groans, let me explain. I am actually not a huge fan of Coldplay; however, I am a huge fan of one of their songs.

Back before Derek and I were married...hell before we lived in the same country, Derek sent me the CD single of this song as a gift. I am not sentimental about material items; however, I still have this CD packed away and will never get rid of it. This song reminds me of falling in love, how exciting it was to have someone adore you, and it reminds me of possibility.

On and on from the moment I wake,

To the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side,

Just you try and stop me,

I'll be waiting in line,

Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?

But I change for good.

And I want you to know.

But you always get your way,

I wanted to say,

Don't you Shiver? Shiver, Shiver

I'll always be waiting for you,

So you know how much I need ya,

But you never even see me, do you?

And this is my final chance of getting you.

The A-Z Music I Love, B is for The Bird & The Bee

2010-03-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

I first hear The Bird & the Bee on Jimmy Kimmel's show singing Love Letter to Japan. The next day, I purchased two of their albums and fell in love. This song I posted is in my top 5 favorites. I could and have listened to this band all day long.

The A-Z Music I Love, A is for The Airborne Toxic Event

2010-03-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

I stole this idea from my pal Walt. I always steal the good things from him :)

I heard The Airborne Toxic Event on the radio about nine months ago...maybe longer. I instantly loved it. I bought the album based on one song and was very happily surprised that I loved the whole album.

01/25/10

2010-01-25T16:17:00.000-08:00

This song explains how I am feeling today. The lyrics say a ton.

drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be, that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

01/11/10

2010-01-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

So, Happy New Year. Been almost a month since I have written, bad Nessie!

So Christmas and New Years was quiet, which is good since I was sick most of it. Booo! Other than being sick, I enjoyed Christmas and on New Years I got to ring it in, via skype, with Cheeks, Brian, and Frank. Have I ever mentioned how much i love them? Well I do!

Got lots of iTunes gift cards and made some purchases. I used Bjorn's best of list as a guide. Purchased the Noisettes and St. Vincent. I also purchased Allison Iraheta's album. I have been obsessing over The Gossip.

I was feeling nostalgic today. Back when I was dating Nigel, he made me a mix tape (yes, an actually cassette) and on one side was him talking and playing songs on his guitar and the other side was a bunch of songs. And listening to him talk made me appreciate how innocent love can be. In the beginning when you are so excited to see someone, and you talk to them on the phone for hours, even if you just saw them. You really believed you would be with them for a long time. Nigel is a good memory.

So resolutions for New Years. I don't normally make them because I always disappoint myself. This year, with inspiration from a special someone, I decided, I should try again. So, I made a resolution to start and finish a 30 day program. I need to start small and move up. I think I always over-whelm myself with huge goals and give up. So 30 days. It started on the 4th and I am right on schedule.

So, here, watch this:

12/16/09

2009-12-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

Chrima 2005

Gearing up for Chrima has got me running through the normal (for me) emotions. Of course, The guilt, stress, excitement, happiness, nerves, all kick in the week before Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving dinner was a huge success, but that is easy when there are only two of us. Derek put up the chrima decorations as he has in years past. I don't think either of us are feeling it this year. Derek's annoyance at putting up the tree was very apparent. I still haven't decorated out first tree (the 3ft fake tree that was our first tree when we got married) and I haven't had the motivation to do so. I can't shake the funk I have been in, although I have been trying.

I am done chrima shopping, was done rather quickly. With money being as tight as it is, I think I did rather well and only had one mishap with Amazon that was corrected quickly. My mother received their gift box and we received hers. It made me sad cause I haven't had a chrima with my mom in six years. I don't dare cry about it to Derek as he hasn't had a holiday with his parents either. Derek is supposed to fly to London next year to see his grandfather. I don't know if Derek has filtered in his head that this may be the last time he sees him. That makes me sad. I wish I could get him over there more often, it's just so expensive.

On the good side, I will get to spend some time with Wes, Christian, Frank, and Brian this weekend. The 2nd annual cookie party where we won't really bake cookies hahaha! These boys, although I don't get to talk to or see them as much as I'd like, mean the world to me. Love them tons! Derek does too, even though Christian sometimes makes him nervous with this "it's all the same in the dark" talk. hahah! Sorry Derek.

Then chrima eve we will be having breakfast for dinner and some fun times with April, Doug, and her parents. April came over on Saturday and we just talked for hours. It's weird to think that April and I have been friends for almost 25 years. I wish I saw her more often. I hope she likes her pressies for chrima.

As it stands right now, I have 1,448 chrima songs left to listen to. My pal Walt sent me about 3,000 chrima songs and plus the 300 or so I had, I have been listening to 60-150 songs a day. At one point, the ipod decided I needed to hear Frosty the snowman 9 ways in a row. It made me giggle. i think Walt is down to 700 to listen to, so we are racing to the finish line. In order for me to finish by Chrima, I have to listen to 160 songs a day. I may make it by new years :)

We have received so many chrima cards and you know what, I love these end of the year news letters. i may never meet some of these folks in person, but I love that they sent them. It gives Derek and I a little insight to who listens to S&T. Great people, I will have you know. I am so very thankful for them. Derek said he wanted to do one of the news letters next year. I guess that means we actually have to do stuff.

We did a few things this year, Ricky and TWSS were here for a couple days, Derek and I participated in pride 48, Our first trip to Vegas with the in-laws, Derek and I went to Gay Days at Disneyland, We had dinner with Wes, Tim, and Ron, and we had our first podcast anniversary.

2010 is right around the corner, and Derek and I are focusing on finances and our health. Our goal is to be in ID by the time I am 35, homeowners at 37, and adopt a child by 40. I'll be 32 in May. here's hoping these procrastinating, lazy, unorganized people can do it. haha!

Since I may not post until after the new year, I hope my friends and family out there have a great chrima and 2010 brings you nothing but joy and love.

11/08/09

2009-11-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

Creative title, no?

Early October Derek and I went to Disney for Gay Days. Was such a good time and I always love seeing Wes, Christian, Brian, and Frank. Disneyland aside, it was just good to be there in support of the event. I hope we go again next year. The dates are October 1-3, mark your calendars!

Derek and I have been seriously talking about the purchase of a house and what we need to do to get there. All the decisions that were made and discussed really seem attainable. Only bad part is less casina trips. I'm kidding, well, kind of. heheh! I have been watching a lot of first-time buyer programs and looking at ads online. Realistically, it won't be for a few years, but it keeps me motivated and on task for the most part.

I am excited for Thanksgiving because I am going to try some new recipes for the side dishes. i normally make potatoes au gratin and mushroom sage stuffing. But I want to mix things up. I will need to dive into the cook books and online.

I have also been hitting the bike. The past week I have averaged 4-5 miles a day. I am slowly increasing it and have done 5.5 the last two days. I am working on going outside and walking, but I still have a hard time thinking people are looking at me. I know it's silly, but I am trying to suck it up. It really sucks to be afraid to leave my house, but I have made some progress and I hope to make more. I just need to keep at it.

Stars and Tartan will be one next week! I can't believe it has already been a year. I very much enjoy doing it. I met great people through it and it gives Derek and I something to do together. And the listeners are the best.

I think that's everything...Oh wait, there's this:

I love this!

Been Caught Stealin'

2009-10-25T20:19:00.001-07:00

I stole this from Walt, who stole it from other guy. I love these things!

How many total songs? 5,338 items in my library. That’s 13.8 days, and 21.21 GB of music.

Sort by song title – first and last… First: A-Punk by Vampire Weekend. Last: 99 Luft Ballons by Richard Cheese

Sort by time – shortest and longest… Shortest: Whose Knocking on the Wall by TMBG. Longest: Burger Queen by Placebo

Sort by Album – first and last… First: Abbaesque by Erasure Last: 19 by Adele

Sort by Artist – first and last… First: Abba Last: 50 Cent

Top five played songs - Well, I just got this computer, so it may not be so accurate.
1)Barely Breathing by Duncan Shiek
2)Hope for the Hopeless by A Fine Frenzy
3)Only Happy When it Rains by Richard Cheese
4)She's My Man by the Scissor Sisters
5)Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet by TMBG

Find the following words. How many songs show up? Sex: 46 items Death: 25 items Love: 298 items You: 635 items Home: 83 items Boy: 80 items Girl: 147 items

First five songs that come up on Party Shuffle…
1)White Light Generator by Ladytron
2)Relax by Calvin Harris
3)Get Together by Wilson Phillips
4)Train by 4 Non Blondes
5)Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul

Disney, Pre-Chrimbal, and a Random Memory

2009-09-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

So I am so excited about this weekend. Derek and I are hoisting up to Disneyland for the Gay Days. On Friday Derek and I are having dinner with Wes, Christian, Brian, and Frank. We sent invites to a couple other folks and hopefully they will show. If not, it's ok. We will have a great time regardless.

April and Doug are graciously watching the house for us and taking care of Maggie. She really is a great friend. We are in the beginning stages of planning Chrimbal festivities. We already decided breakfast for dinner would be the food. We are decorating the house in green and gold and bells will be the pattern. Her mom is coming down from Idaho, which I am apprehensive about, but I am sure it will be ok.

Earlier this month I cut my hair. Prior to the hair cut, I always kept my hair up. Now that I am wearing it down, I can smell my conditioner. It reminded me of a guy that I used to adore. He liked to sit behind me at this picnic table in the courtyard of his apartments and write things on my back. I asked him why he did that once and he said he liked the way my hair smelled. That is one of the times in my life I felt content. That memory makes me happy.

Happy Anniversary Stacey

2009-09-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

In 1999, I was 21 years old and a shift leader at Burger King. I had a co-worker named Stacey who I just adored. All year we joked about how we would be getting married on 09/09/99. On that day she presented me with a rubber band to wear around my wrist and she had a matching one. We wore them until they fell off.

I got transferred and she quit. Saw her maybe two years later at a payless where she worked. We both dropped the shoe boxes we were carrying, squealed, and hugged for a long time. I introduced her to my mom as my wife. I didn't she her again until a year later when she announced she was pregnant. She looked scared out of her mind. I gave her my number and said if she needed anything, call me. I never heard from or saw her again.

Every time 09/09 passes, I remember Stacey and a lot of laughs we had and our rubber band marriage. I hope whatever she is doing now, she is happy.

What's Motivation?

2009-09-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I have decided to not write in the blog. I have a million things going on in my head and I should be writing them down. I guess I felt the need to torture myself and Derek.

I have been so down the last month and so quick tempered. A combination of working long hours, not a whole lot of sleep, and not seeing Derek just turned me into a bag of mush. I am trying to change that and Derek is trying too. He is trying to work more days so I can see him more often.

Got a new computer cause the laptop decided it didn't like working anymore. I got a desktop with a 22 inch monitor. It's pretty. I forgot what a fast computer was like. Plus I can play Sims 3 on it cause I am nerdy like that.

Um, the work husband almost got fired because some ass went to HR and said he was selling drugs, which he wasn't. They let him keep his job because there was no proof. That was a relief, I mean shit, he's got kids.

I got a pressie from Walt which I am enjoying right now. I just rocked out to Milli Vanilli and Debbie Gibson. Love it!

Derek and I are going to Disney the 2,3, & 4th of October. I need to get in touch with Mr. Stone and see what he wants to do as far as a meet and greet. I was hoping Ricky was coming, but the new boy has all his attention, so I am guessing not. I hope my TWSS boys (yes they are mine) show up on Friday or Saturday. I would love to see them.

Oh, my new favorite band....

The Airborne Toxic Event - The whole album is GREAT!

Lets Start Again

2009-08-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

Plus some updates.

First...

So at work they are "encouraging" us to have people call for quotes. Because the economy is so horrible, people are looking to cut their costs, GEICO wants people to call to see if we can save them money. I am not a sales person and I feel weird asking anyone in particular to call. Well this lack of participation has gotten me a slap on the wrist, so now I need help. Can one of my readers, pretty please, call for me? You can call for auto, home, and renters. I think you can call for motorcycle, but I'm not sure. You do not have to buy anything for me to get credit!

Anywho, if one of my darling readers could call 1-800-841-3000 and give the the code 113038, I would be forever grateful. Thanks in advance!

Second...

Derek and I are hoisting up to Disneyland in October. We will drive up on the 2nd and are hoping to do a meet and greet on the 3rd. So if any of you will be able to got to Disneyland on October 3, leave a comment or email me at missxomisery at aol.com. The 4th we will still be there, but our pals April and Doug are coming up to spend some time with us, so we made Saturday listener day :)

Third...

So last July (08) I had made the decision to be a vegetarian. I did really well at first. During the holidays I hit a bump. Because food is an emotional thing, I felt like Christmas wasn't the same unless I had my usual type of meal. So I tried with the vegetarian way again. Did ok for awhile and hit another bump. Then I gave up. I got so tired of people making such a huge deal out of it and Derek wasn't to thrilled with the lack of meat in his diet. I did a little soul searching and decided that I can't give up. Not only do I feel like crap physically, I actually have been somewhat depressed when I started eating meat again. Now that i am armed with more knowledge on how I will be mentally when situations arise, I have a new look on it and plan on not hitting those bumps. I'm pretty excited this time around. My mom gave me a "make my own recipe" cook book. So maybe I'll have a cookbook someday. who knows. I am really trying to be optimistic.

i think that's all for now. I am hoping to get more into blogging. I lost my inspiration for awhile, but i'm feeling good about what's to come.

Paypal, Michael Jackson, and Six Years

2009-07-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

I know the majority of my blog readers listen to Stars & Tartans, so this story may be a repeat. Those of you who don't well it will be new to you.

Derek and I are trying to be a little less spendy these days because we would like to purchase our own home, adopt a baby or two, and grow old. The biggest obstacle isn't so much debt, it's putting the money away. So we, derek especially, tried to not spend as much and get some money put away. Derek asked me to go over the bank account balance with him and I see that both our checking and savings account had been wiped out. With all the NSF fees, our account was $2,ooo overdrawn.

Turns out, someone had hacked my email account, obtained my ebay password, and purchased a macbook and used my paypal account to pay for it. So for three weeks, we had to wait for paypal to complete their investigation so we could get our money back. And although the people that work for paypal were sympathetic and nice, no one seemed to really know what was going on and how long I had to wait. It was also frustrating that the seller of the computer was emailing me. Hey all you ebay sellers. If your buyer tells you that another ebay account is going to contact you and gives you an address that paypal does not provide to you, maybe you shouldn't go through with the transaction. I'm just saying.

So Michael Jackson. I loved Michael Jackson when I was a child into my teenage years. Around 1991 my musical tastes changed as grunge entered my life, but I still secretly enjoyed MJ. I have a lot of memories that have an MJ soundtrack. My sister and I used to sing man in the mirror with her boyfriend's kids during our living room performances. Listening to Bad as I played with my new hula hoop on Christmas morning. Singing The Way You Make Me Feel with Joe at work because it annoyed William. My sister singing Black or White and dancing like Michael. I also remember Robbie singing Black or White in the front yard. I learned to tell time because of Thriller.

Thriller scared me. I was five, maybe six when it started playing on MTV. My mom and dad thought that it would be good to have me watch the making of Thriller so I could see that it was pretend and I wouldn't be so scared. Back then, bedtime was 7pm. Just as they were to play thriller, I magically could tell time and said said it's my bed time, I can't watch anymore. I don't think I was brave enough to watch it until the 4th grade.

I watched the memorial on TV and cried the whole time. I feel like a piece of my childhood is gone. But I am very thankful for my memories. Regardless of what anyone's opinion is, MJ was a force in our history and was the best entertainer and will be missed. I hope his children will grow up to be great and people will let them be.

On the 7th, was Derek and my 6th anniversary. I have found that as time goes by, I like Derek more. Does that make sense? I never didn't like him, I am finding that no matter what a pain in my ass he can be, I like having him around and actually get a little sad when he's not. So i guess I will keep him around for another year. Maybe next year I will trade him in :P.

Other than that, I have been working on being more physically active. I went from only being able to walk for 15, 20 minutes to walking for an hour. I have been a little more aware of what i am eating. I'm very instant gratification and would give up if I had no results after a week. This time, I have been a little more patience and have seen results after a month. I am going to continue because I feel better.

Here is a Michael Jackson song I love, a Song of the Day if you will.

Father's Day and other things

2009-06-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

Or other things and father's day.

First, I want to say that I appreciate everyones' comments on my previous post. I know that it was a decision I needed to make on my own, and the general consensus just confirmed that I need to trust my instincts. I am ok with not speaking with her, I am sad that anyone would have to experience cancer, but I don't contact everyone who does. For her childrens' sake, I hope all goes well for her.

My sister-in-law has a baby on the 14th. I know have a niece named Heather. I haven't seen a picture yet, but i am sure she's a cutie. Pretty soon, she and her husband will be moving to North Carolina for work so I may make it to the east coast finally. i have a feeling Jen will come here as soon as possible, she loves the zoo.

So Father's Day. Always a sore subject with me, well until this year it has been a very sore subject. For those who have read my blog for a long period of time will know that I have issues with my father and have had a hard time dealing with not having answers. In the last few months, I have come to the realization that there is no point to beating myself up over things i can't change.

There are people in my life who have give me things that I could and never receive from my father. They have shown me patience, love, acceptance, and respect. So instead of being depressed that my biological father isn't in my life, I am going to be thankful that I have more than most people have.

Of course I am not a robot and I will always have a soft spot around this time of year, but the time i spend crying over it will be less and less.

No Title

2009-06-13T15:45:00.001-07:00

First, I apologize for how disorganized this post might end up, I am in a weird place right now.

I found out that one of my friends from high school has breast cancer. I am in shock. Up until now, I hadn't known anyone who had breast cancer. This friend from high school and I haven't talked in six years and our friendship really just fizzled out and then ended when she stole my rent money. If she were to walk down the street, I wouldn't give her a second glance. And after our friendship ended, I found out that she lied to me about a lot of things. It made me sad because I really felt like she was my best friend, I mean we lived together for years.

But now I have come to a point where I am not sure where to go. If she didn't have breast cancer, I would have no reason to talk to her. I don't hate her, I just have nothing to say to her and there is no potential for her and I to be friends again. Because she has cancer am I supposed to talk to her? I am genuinely sad for her and her children. Is it wrong that I don't feel the need to contact her? I care if she's alright, but I would have that hope for anyone.

I feel conflicted because I feel sad about what she is having to go through, but I don't feel bad about not wanting to call her. i feel bad because I don't feel bad if that makes sense. And in a selfish way, I am afraid this makes me a bad person. I don't expect people out there to give me the answer, I have to come up with that on my own. I guess I needed to get some things off my mind.

Sorry Ricky, Birthdays, and Viva Las Vegas!

2009-06-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

Pictures a go-go! So it has been so busy, but so fabulous! I will start from the beginning and hopefully make it short and sweet.

So the the 21st, Brian, Frank, & Christian from the TWSS podcast, Ricky from Foul Monkeys, and Miss Wes from Live it up came to Case de Nessa & Derek for dinner and drinks. I think Ricky and I were the only ones who drank to the point of drunkenness, hence the picture of us above. We played rockband, watched TV, recorded a show, and hung out. Can I just say that I love those boys. All of them are as sweet as can be and I am so lucky to have met them all and maintained a friendship. It was probably the most fun I have had in forever. And as silly as it sounds, I miss them. Bwa bwa sorry ME!

Ok, Derek and I left for Vegas the following Tuesday and spent my birthday there. It also coincided with the in-laws being in Vegas. We stayed in the Venetian and OMG! it was gorgeous. I am lame and didn't take hardly any pictures, but my father in law did. When he sends me copies, I will put some up here. I had a great time! I didn't even gamble that much. There was so much to do otherwise. Derek's 2nd cousin Janice lives in Vegas and she and her husband Bob drove us through Red Rock Canyon and it was so pretty. Vegas gets 5 stars for sure. However, the next time I go, I am going during Fall or Winter. I hate the heat.

Also, Over on the facebook, I got so many happy birthday wishes. I felt loved, so thank you all who did that. :)

So, i hate to beg, but I want to make sure I help my friend Izola as much as I can. She is raising money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Her fundraising page is up and she is accepting donations. Her goal is $6,500 and she is 25% there! You can read all about what she is running for by clicking the picture below! THANK YOU!!

Fundraising Hurrah!

2009-05-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

So in my last post, I talked about my pal Izola doing a marathon to raise money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Her fundraising page is up and she is already accepting donations. Her goal is $6,500. You can read all about what she is running for by clicking the picture!

And if you do decide to donate, thank you. This cause is near and dear to my heart, that's why I wanted to help her out.

I've been meaning to write...really

2009-05-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

I meant to write when I put up the new blog background on May 1st, but something shiny grabbed my attention and I kinda forgot. So let me see here.

I have been to the eye doctor at least once a week for the last 5 weeks. I had swollen corneas and it went away. Came back. Changed lenses, cleaner, lenses again. Swelling came back. Steroids again, eyes pretty much back to normal. Changed lenses again and have final (fingers crossed) appointment on Saturday! I have never had a problem with my eyes except for pink eye in my youth. This is frustrating as hell!

I am bored at work. I feel bad because I am. With everyone losing their jobs, I should be chomping at the bit to get to work. Am I selfish because I'm not? I guess if I had to ask I am. meh.

Ricky and Christian will be here soon! A little more than a week! I think the boys want to go to bars. I told Ricky I didn't want to go and be a cock block. So we may just drink at my house, maybe record a show, something. I think that's a better idea since I am sure the TWSS boys will be taking him to bars like whoa. and there wont be a lame straight girl there to prohibit them getting bootie. Can I just say i love those boys. I know I love everyone, but I have a genuine affection for them, wished we all lived closer together. Move to California RICKY!

After the boys leave, I get to go to Las Vegas!!! I get to see mum and dad Johnston and gamble! I love Casinos! I have gone to Barona like four times since I last wrote. Loves it!

My pal Izola is going to run a marathon for leukemia/lymphoma in October in IRELAND! She wants to raise $6500 and I told her I would help out on the podcast since Robbie passed due to that. When I told her that, I had to kinda bite my lip so I wouldn't cry. I think it will be a good charity to promote since the money won't go into my or Izola's hands, it will go directly to the charity. When I know more, I will post something here. I am hoping that Derek and I can raise $1,000 for her. I know it's a lot, but if I get 200 people to donate $5, there you go.

I think that is all for right now. I will try...really hard to be a little more regular writing. And let me know if you have any ideas for raising money for Izola's marathon!

Photographs

2009-04-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

So i was browsing the internet, as you do, and came across Erwin Olaf's photography. So I followed some links to get to his web site and WOW! Some of his work is so stunning, not all of it safe for work or little ones. But what caught me was his gallery of Royal Blood. This is my favorite picture of that collection:

He has quite a few galleries, I enjoyed looking at the majority of them.

15 Years

2009-04-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

"Punk is musical freedom. It's saying, doing and playing what you want. In Webster's terms, 'nirvana' means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world, and that's pretty close to my definition of Punk Rock."
Kurt Cobain

This week brings us to the 15th anniversary of one of the events that changed my life. Music has always been very personal to me. But music didn't effect me as strongly as it did when I watched the video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on MTV for the first time.

In 1992, I was 13 and finally breaking free of my NKOTB obsession. I had become bored of the pop music being jammed down my throat and my mother was on this country kick that I did not dig. So I am watching MTV and I heard the opening of SMTS and I was mesmerized. As cliche as it sounds, the song made sense to me. This was how I was feeling. And it was very raw.

Being the days before CDs were cheap and buying ca-singles was still very common, I took my $1.99 and purchased my Smells Like Teen Spirit/Been a Son cassette tape. I still have it. All my friend were moving into the rap genre of music and I stood my ground singing the praises of Kurt Cobain and preaching how his music has saved me from going crazy. Trying to get my friends to listen to Nirvana, Sound Garden, Pearl Jam. Seattle Grunge made me feel at home. Listening to Nirvana now still makes me feel at home.

Then it happened. I was 15, I came home, turned on the television and hear Kurt Loder say that Kurt was gone. This was more than my mind could comprehend. I have never lost anyone in my family, so dealing with death of someone I, in my heart and soul, felt changed my life was devastating. I didn't understand and became almost obsessed with suicide. Not committing it, but why others did. I checked books out from the library and read and read. I was sad that Kurt was in that much pain and cringed when I heard on the news that someone followed in his footsteps.

Five Years ago, there was still a lot of conspiracies going around regarding Kurt's death. Mainly that Courtney had something to do with it. It made me angry. I found the journal entry I wrote in 2004 at the 10 year mark.

So coming upon the 10 year anniversary of his death....It is plastered everywhere.
Local radio stations doing all day vigils *with no commercial interruption*
Dateline making a huge marketing deal out of it, just to go over the same crap everyone else has in years past.
Watching some balding man with a cheesy radio voice ask some nobody who wrote a book questions about how someone died...It's so old and boring. wasn't interesting. highly irritating.
It would have be cool to have him around, cool to see what kind of music came around . (if any at all)

It's easier for most to leave it at a suicide, and who knows, maybe she did fucking do it.

Why put ourselves through heartache and wonder. Just remember what we have now and who gave it to us. It is probably best that way.

I, being older then most of the people who claim to be fans, was 15 when it occurred. Old enough to comprehend the impact, old enough to understand the loss. These kids who were 3 or 4, thought they can claim to be fans, they will never appreciate the true impact of the music and the man. And as cheesy as it may come across, I still feel a pain, I still listen to the music, I still appreciate what it did in my life and the society around me. Ten years is a long time. Maybe he would have influenced the music in a different way, maybe retirement was the road ahead. Would we have given a shit if he were still alive? Or was it the death that made the appeal? The point I guess of my little rant here is we will never know for sure what might have been, but why continue in conspiracy theories and bullshit. It was about the music and nothing else. And I, with some of the other people who might read this, can appreciate what we have.

KDC
67-94

I still get a pain when I see a 12 year old running around in what may have been their parent's T-shirt. Those of us old enough to know and remember are really lucky. It was always about the music for me, it still is. So this week, I will remember that time with a little less anger I had five years ago, be thankful I was a part of it in my own little way, and continue to listen. As years have gone on, songs have changed meanings, some stand out more than they used too. That to me is signs of genius. It doesn't stay the same, it grows with you.

"The duty of youth is to challenge corruption."
Kurt Cobain

Pass it on

2009-03-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

So at the beginning of this year, a hottie in front of Target grabbed my attention for Greenpeace. My mother, when I was 11/12, was into it and in turn I was. I wrote letters to the president, had my classmates sign petitions, did speeches on animal cruelty and tuna fishing. I am happy to get involved in it again and thought, I have some readers here, maybe some of the info would be of interest to you.

MONTHLY NEWSLETTER, MARCH 2009

Save the Polar Bears, Save the Planet!

Before leaving office, the Bush Administration passed last-minute regulations designed to weaken the protections afforded to polar bears and other wildlife under the Endangered Species Act. However, President Obama recently signed a law passed by Congress on March 11th that gives Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar special authority to rescind the dangerous Bush regulations.

The new law only gives Salazar this authority until May 3, so it's imperative that we act now! Sign our petition opposing the Bush Administration's illegal and illogical regulations!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Power of Sunlight will be Rolling across Vermont

Tomorrow, March 28th, marks the 30th anniversary of the Three Mile Island meltdown and the kick-off of our month-long tour of Vermont with the Rolling Sunlight, Greenpeace's solar-equipped, biodiesel-fueled truck.

Right now Vermont has a unique opportunity to shut down Entergy's aging nuclear reactor, Vermont Yankee, and to choose clean, safe renewable energy. The Vermont legislature has given itself the authority to accept or reject the relicensing of the reactor. The Rolling Sunlight and Greenpeace will visit farmers' markets, universities, film screenings, and galleries throughout the state to engage Vermonters about the risks of running Vermont Yankee for another 20 years and the benefits of replacing the nuclear reactor with renewable energy. Read more about the tour here.
And on this 30th anniversary of the meltdown, it's important that we remember Three Mile Island and the dangers posed by nuclear power and its deadly wastes. You can read our blog, "Remembering the Three Mile Island Meltdown," on Huffington Post.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Road to Copenhagen

We recently kicked off our Road to Copenhagen campaign in China, where Greenpeace activists projected some stunning images calling on the Chinese president and the chief executive of Hong Kong to attend the UN climate talks in Copenhagen this December. Over the next ten months Greenpeace will be holding similar actions in countries across the globe, including right here in the U.S. We need strong leadership from the U.S. and China, the world's largest emitters of global warming pollution, at the Copenhagen talks. This might be the last chance we'll get to put an effective, global solution into place in time to avert the worst effects of climate change. Check out a slideshow from the China projections, and read more on our staff blog about why it's so important for the U.S. and China to lead the world's response to global warming.

I still love the twitters

2009-03-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

inspired, too bad it's bad

2009-03-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

So this week, I have had a few things happen that have inspired me to write. The sad thing is that what has affected me enough to actually write was a bad thing.

I was at work and a co-worker gets a phone call from her oldest daughter's school. No on has come to pick her up. Turns out dad fell asleep and her daughter was so upset. I immediately feel the worst anxiety and fought back what could have been a panic attack.

When I was in the first grade, a girl named Shae used to walk me home from school. I think she was in the fourth grade. I don't remember why she didn't walk me home that day, but I remember panic setting as I ran from her classroom back to mine, only to find no one was there. I made my way to the front of the school and waited at the crosswalk. The guards let us cross and I ran the two blocks down Lincoln Avenue to the townhouse my parents rented. The door was locked. My mother was a stay at home mom during those days and should have been home. I went to the neighbors house and knocked. By this time I was petrified and crying so hard i could barely see. No answer. I crouched down in front of our front door and sobbed.

I heard a car horn, unmistakeably belonging to my parents 1964 Ford. I run to the car so thankful that they were there only to find my parents laughing. They had followed me home and watched me break down and let me sit in front of the house for a good 5 minutes and laughed.

This wasn't the first time they did something that would still effect me so strongly. My father thought it would be funny to throw me in the trunk of the 1964 Ford and leave me in there. He sat on the trunk lid listening to me scream for help. Thinking about it now makes my heart race and I am fighting off tears.

From what I understand, my father's dad used to do similar things to him. He would drive him and my grandmother to random places and drop them off and let them find their ways home. My mom told me there was a visit my grandmother had with us when I was a baby where they laughed at drugging my grandfather so they could go to a movie. My grandfather abused my father mentally and physically. This wonderful trait was passed on down to my dad. I missed a chunk of school and the police were called. He never touched my mom or my sister, just me. As an adult I understand that he was sick and it wasn't me that set him off. As a daughter, I don't understand why he hated me so much.

So this phone call my coworker received has given me two nights of horrible nightmares and I have this horrible fear that Derek won't come home. It's so stupid that things that happened to me 25 years ago can mess me up.

And even though this man who was my father was nothing but horrible to me, I still feel pain in my heart like i'm missing something. I haven't seen him since I was 12 and I haven't talked to him since I was 16. Apparently you can disappear if you really want to. I have looked for him, I even called the place my grandmother was cremated to see if they could tell me anything.

I just want 10 minutes with him, I just have one question. Why?

Here I come to save the day!

2009-03-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

i would love to have a huge pink gun...HONK!

And to continue with my new obsession

2009-03-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

Again & Again, by the Bird and the Bee

Love them TONS!

Song of the Day 03/15/09

2009-03-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

More like song of the month! Deicated to my pal Walt who text messaged me that he loved this song while I was listening to it!

Love Letter to Japan, by the Bird and the Bee

I love this song so hard!

So I started a band!

2009-03-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks Qcast!

What would your own album look like if you were in a band?

Follow the directions below and find out…Here are the rules:

1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select “random quotations”or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together.

Here’s mine:

Music Junk and Stuff

2009-03-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

So my pal Bjorn issued a challenge. For the month of March he challenges people to not play their top 15 artists. We found ours via last.fm. My top 15 are:

1 Tori Amos
2 Modest Mouse
3 Elliott Smith
4 Bing Crosby
5 Queen
6 The Dresden Dolls
7 Nirvana
8 Radiohead
9 Jimmy Eat World
10 Garbage
11 Sleater-Kinney
12 Frank Sinatra
13 Weezer
14 The Suicide Machines
15 Madonna

So I decided that I would do it. So while Derek and I were out yesterday, I spent some money on some new music. I purchases Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Adele, The Bird and the Bee, and The White Stripes. I also have some Rufus CDs that I haven't paid proper attention to. So challenge extended! Find some new music and if you find something good, hook a sister up!

A Semi-Purge

2009-02-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

It has been quite awhile since I have had the want to update. What is weird is I feel like writing, but have nothing to say. I have found myself in a gloomy state of mind. Everything seems to hurt my feelings or have me questioning peoples' intentions. I guess I am having, as I like to call them, low self esteem days.

I just need to re-focus and keep my mind clear. i need to figure out what is important to me and work through it. Maybe my mom is right, maybe I do need therapy.

Not to rub it in to some, but I have been very blessed with my employment. We received our annual profit sharing check and it was so much more than expected. I had planned on shopping today, but I couldn't get the motivation to go. Plus I have the "buy it cause I can" syndrome. I need to plan out what I want to purchase before I run out and spend money I don't normally have.

Speaking of work, they moved Todd's desk to see if his numbers will improve. They said it had to do with all the talking that happens in our area, which I can understand, but it makes me sad because he's my pal, more than a pal, my work husband. I tell him things I don't tell a lot of people and now, it will be hard to carry on that friendship when he is on the other side. He said it won't change anything, I hope it doesn't. And I hope they don't put a douche nozzle in his spot!

Although I love My Phone

2009-02-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

This is some funny shit

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Updates on Valentines

2009-02-14T17:05:00.000-08:00

The funny thing about blogs is, well at least for me, is that sometimes I am all about writing, and sometimes, I can't be bothered. I am going through a can't be bothered. Not for anything bad, just really don't have anything to say. So this will be a tiny update, just so I keep it going.

I finally got a new cell phone. After 3 years of waiting for the right one to come along. The blackberry curve comes along and I am ready for it. After an hour in the AT&T store, I walk out with a shiny black iPhone. hahaha! It really does suit me and makes the things I care about accessible to me. It has made things so easy for me. Loves it.

Derek purchased his playstation 3 and we have played guitar hero tons. I sing, he plays and my throat is shot and Derek has carpal tunnel. haha not really, but we have played so much I'm surprised it hasn't gotten that bad.

I think those are the big things for now. Nothing bad to report thank goodness. Oh wait...there is kinda.

I fell off the vegetarian train. I was so frustrated with food related things that I said I didn't care and there I go. The problem is I really do care and I felt horrible afterwards. So I am going to work my way back to where I was. I really want to be. i felt good about the choices I made and need to get my head back in the right place.

Ok, I am off to eat my dinner and find something to watch on TV. Happy VD to my pals new and old.

The good stuff

2009-01-30T21:29:00.000-08:00

I really should have updated this when it happened, but I couldn't find the motivation to write it out. Plus when I do write, I tend to focus on the negative and I did not want to loose my good mood since they are sometimes far between.

So hopefully I can remember everything that happened this week.

-Monday-
This was a pretty big deal for our company. Warren Buffett who owns (?) Berkshire Hathaway, GEICO's parent company, was coming to our office since we had the highest something. He does it every year, but it is normally an office back east that has the highest something. This is a pretty big deal. After his speech to the higher ups, he took pictures with everyone in the building, all 1500 of us. I didn't get to shake his had or anything, but the 8 of us got our picture taken with him and the CEO of GEICO. So Mr. Buffett puts his arms around two of my co-workers and Mr. Nicely (CEO) puts his arm around me, gives me a squeeze, asks how I am. And there were three (I think) photographers walking back and forth taking pictures. And as silly as it sounds, I wasn't sure where to look, so I am pretty sure I will have a dumb look on my face. Afterwards, Mr. Buffett patted me on the back as he walked by. I thought it was cool. And they gave us ice cream afterwards. Can't beat that.

-Tuesday-
I have been trying to make an effort to stay in a better mood at work. It's hard when I go in all tired and really bored. But I am so very thankful I have my job so I need to make the best of what I am blessed to have. This became so much easier when my pal Sarah wrapped her arms around me and scared me half to death! She is back from maternity leave and was coming to days! I am so happy because Sarah feels like she could be a sister from another mother. She makes me smile like no other. I may not be the sappy sort, but I love it when she tells me I'm adorable and she loves me. I adore her, and her children are so beautiful. I think she is one of the few girls who hasn't had an agenda. I use agenda for lack of a better term. I don't bond with females well at all. But Sarah and I have a bond that I hold near and dear to my heart. She's a beautiful girl!

-Wednesday-
I got to do our taxes! Now I know Tax time isn't fun time for most. Well, Derek and I don't own anything and we're poor by California standards, We normally get a fat refund. This year was more than expected. When I get the final numbers, I felt like a load lifted off my shoulders. After we get the money, the credit cards will be paid off, Both Derek and I can get our eyes checked, take the car in, new phone for Derek and I, and finance the trip to Vegas with the in-laws. Both Derek and I hugged and both felt some relief. It will rule to see clearly again heh!

-Thursday-
Derek and I went To Grossmont to look around, did a little shopping, saw Last Chance Harvey (eh), then came home and did podcasting junk. Not a whole lot, but was so fun. A Good day for sure.

-Friday-
Just a good day at work with my work husband that consisted of way too much caffeine. I was deleting things off my computer and found a folder that had Phreddy's birthday video in it. It made me cry. Not because I was sad, but because I was really grateful that I met him in person, and his beautiful family. He's good people. And now I am watching Kevin Smith and texting that slut Christian whose about to gay it up haha!

So to add to this long ass post, this song is hot, and I love this video.

Thanks Lola!

2009-01-26T05:34:00.000-08:00

So my pals over at The Sweet Bitterness blog (and soon to be podcast ahem) also did the itunes game in my previous post and how much do I love that Miss Lola had this on her list?

This will be stuck in my head all day long. haha!

Laid

2009-01-25T05:14:00.000-08:00

Stolen from Sexy Bjorn, yes I said sexy

INSTRUCTIONS
-Put your music player on shuffle.
-skip to the next random song to get your answer for each question...
-Write it down, even if it sounds silly (no cheating!)

1. How would you describe your personality?
"Amber Waves" Tori Amos

2. What is your best quality?
"Communist Daughter" Neutral Milk Hotel

3. What do you look for in a lover?
"White Rabbit" Jefferson Airplane

4. What is your life's motto?
"New Age" Tori Amos

5. What do you think about all the time?
"Automatic" Weezer

6. What do other people think of you?
"Destroy Everything You Touch" Ladytron

7. What do you like to do when no one else is around?
"Life is a Highway" Tom Cochrane

8. What is your favorite hobby/interest?
"Ode To My Clothes" Tori Amos

9. What is your biggest secret?
"I Just Can't Stop Loving You" Michael Jackson (hahahaha)

10. What is your life story?
"The World At Large" Modest Mouse

11. How will you die?
"Perfect Obligation" The Myriad

12. What will they play at your funeral?
"Autumn" Paolo Nutini

13. What is the one thing you regret?
"SOS" Rihanna

14. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
"You've Been Flirting Again" Bjork

15. What makes you laugh?
"Little Sister" Jewel

16. What makes you cry?
"Mary" Tori Amos

17. What scares you the most?
"Aside" The Weakerthans

18. What's the worst thing that could happen?
"Brimful of Asha" Cornershop

19. What is the meaning of life?
"Portions For Foxes" Rilo Kiley

20. What title will you give this post?
"Laid" by James

Yay, I love these games!

Good

2009-01-24T11:07:00.000-08:00

So I wake up this morning and it is dark outside. The sky is full of gray clouds and it has rained or is now raining. My house is completely silent. There is no noise coming from outside except for the occasional plane or car. I grab my coffee and sit on the loveseat next to the window. I have Sabrina on one arm on my right and Jazzmine and Maggie curled up by side on the left. I feel good right now. No drama, no chaos, no stress.

These were the kind of days my mom would listen to the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack. I don't think my mom liked the movie, but for some reason, I got her the soundtrack for Christmas one year. I tie a lot of my memories of my mother to music or film. On the gloomy days like today was Sleepless in Seattle. On Saturday mornings while she was cleaning, we would wake up to the smell of pine-sol and the sound of Cat Stevens. When my mom was feeling down she would watch the Color Purple and An Officer and a Gentleman. She said it was because she needed a good cry and those always worked. Easter was Jesus Christ Superstar which I have only recently found an appreciation for.

Days like today are good times for me to reflect on things. No distractions, just clear thoughts and memories.

Catch Up

2009-01-21T07:06:00.001-08:00

I have been a lazy blogger. Sometimes, I have so many things going on in my brain, I am not sure how to address it. Right now, I have a nice migraine and the meds are making me feel right as rain with a large touch of the drowzy. So after this little ramble, I am going back to bed.

Went out with Kevy last friday. Had our usual date at the Applebees where the only thing vegetarian was their drinks, so I did just that. Caramel Appletinis are my new best friend! We played cath up and discussed how I disapproved of the new girlfriend (who is actually an ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with three or four guys, now she's got a kid and baby daddy ran out. hmmmm, red flag!)

While we were at the park we saw some drunk guy playing Mike Tyson's punchout with a payphone. A cop showed up later and said we should probably move a long sing it's not a good place to be that late.

I get to meet Warren Buffett on Monday. That's kinda cool. They sent us emails at work on what we were allowed to do and stuff. No cell phone pics, no autographs, I don't remember the other thing. He is having his picture taken with our team though and I will be getting a copy. Maybe I can figure out how to post it.

How excited am I about President Obama! I had to work yesterday and missed pretty much everything, I did get to hear a bit on the radio. And was happy to see that he has a lot of LGBT friendly items on his agenda that you can check out here :
http://www.whitehouse.gov/agenda/civil_rights/

I have a very positive outlook on things concerning our country. I think we picked the right man for the job!

Ok, I am about down for the count. Ni ni's for Nessa

Song of the Day 01/13/09

2009-01-13T05:42:00.000-08:00

Dizzy, by Jimmy Eat World

You close your eyes and kiss your hand then you blow it.
But it isn't meant for me, and I notice
If the choice was ours alone,
Then why'd we both choose letting go?
Does it end like this?

Respectfully, so honestly I'm calling out
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
Back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it off.

I told you as I hovered, I never felt this way
You said I have the shot that stops my clock
Baby it's OK
You said you'd never have regrets
Jesus, is there someone yet
Who got their wish; did you get yours, babe?

Song of the Day 01/11/09

2009-01-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

One of my dear friends is having a moment of reflection and this song always reminded me of looking back and feelings it can bring to the surface. There was a point in time when I couldn't even listen to this song without crying, but now it just reminds me of a good person and a good time that wasn't meant to be anything but that.

Blue and Yellow, by the Used

and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole
through everyone that feels it

well your never gonna find it
if your looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if your looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

My father and Elvis

2009-01-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

Around Elvis' birthday, I get a little reminiscent of my youth. I know Elvis passed away before I was born (or did he?!) but when I was 12, I found and immersed myself in his music and his movies.

When I was 12, my father was committed to a mental hospital after taking tons of heroin and driving his car through the emergency room doors. At least this is how I remember my father telling me this story. He lied a lot so it could be true, or it could be that he was in rehab. What I do know is true is that my father was into drugs and he was in a facility that I did visit him at twice. This is the last time I saw him in person. He looked weird. He had a beard and was wearing a blue jumpsuit that resembled scrubs. He had glasses on and I remember his hair being long. A big change from the last time I saw him when he was clean shaven, hair cut, and didn't have glasses. Of course things happen when you don't see someone for four years. I don't remember anything about the visits except the way he looked and the feeling of dread. The one thing my father was good at was letting me down, I knew it was coming, and he didn't "disappoint."

So the way I coped with how I was feeling was two things, food and music. This is where Elvis came in. I really don't know where I found him or where I heard him, I just remember that I was hooked. A co-worker of my mom's ex boyfriend had made me a mix tape and recorded some movies for me. I listened to that tape more times than I could count in my sony walkman. Over and over again until I felt better. If that didn't work I would watch Girl Happy again and again.

So when January 8th rolls around or when August 16th rolls around, I don't think necessarily of my father and the bad feelings, I think of Elvis and how he made a 12 year old's heart heal, one song at a time.

Happy Birthday Elvis

2009-01-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Elvis in 1968 was hot!

ps, I know I am a day late, I was busy

So...

2009-01-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

I'm a nerd and think this is funny.

New Years Hurrah!

2009-01-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

I thought about doing a run down of 2008, but it can be summed up in a short sentence. Things were good, bad, and all things in between. As life is I guess. I think what I am most thankful for is the people I was lucky enough to meet either in person or through the podcasting endeavor. I am very happy about that.

So New Years was fun! I normally don't do anything for New Years because I usually have to work New Years Day and that means up at four in the morning. But this year I managed to get it off and plans were made for Ricky to come to the CA. Well things came up that prohibited Ricky from coming, so Christian, Brian, & Frank and I got drunk and recorded a show for That's What She Said. The only thing that would have made that better was me being up in the LAs or they being here in the San Diegos. I had a blast bringing in the new year with new friends. whut?

I am still without a stove. We have an appointment to have the new one delivered on Tuesday, but because the wiring for the old one is, well, old we have to have an electrician come in and re-wire the outlet or something...I don't know. So it looks like another two weeks until we will have a functioning stove. I can't wait because I am tired of using the Foreman grill.

So Derek and I are going to Las Vegas in May/June to see the in laws. I am very excited because I have never been and I get what QCast calls ding ding fever. Let's hope I don't get it too badly haha! I should be looking at where to stay and stuff, but I haven't had the motivation. All I have wanted to do is sleep and read. I get into these moods where I like reading and tune out the rest of the world. I am going to start reading the third installment of the Wicked series plus I have two new vegetarian cookbooks I need to go through :)

And a huge shout out to Bjorn for the music! I am so in love with Ra Ra Riot (Robot), Vampire Weekend, and Fleet Foxes!

So yea, resolutions...I normally don't make them because I think that in my mind resolutions are made to fail. But this year, I think I will try to keep them. But they will also go into effect after we have a stove because one of them is not to eat out (heeey) more than once a week and it can't be at a place with a drive thru. My other ones are no candy and I will get back on the no soda deal. So maybe my year will start on Feb 1st. haha!

Song of the Day, Kinda

2008-12-31T22:36:00.000-08:00

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and for reals, it has been stuck in my head ever since.

Oh yea, Happy New Year.

Vanna-Banana Big Butt

2008-12-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

My mother always wanted a dog. Growing up, all she would talk about was when she got her own house, she would get her yard and her dog. When my mom moved to Idaho, she put herself on a breeder's list so she could purchase a Bernese mountain dog puppy. A time later, she came home with Fiona. My mom would call and say to the dog, "say hi to your sister Nessa!" Annoying as hell, but my mom finally had her dog.

Then she decided that she wanted a second Bernese mountain dog and put her name on another list. The "bitch" didn't have enough puppies, so my mom said she would wait until next season. The breeder who sold Fiona to my mom asked if she would consider taking in Vanna, Fiona's mom. From what I understand Vanna was a show dog and did very well in her day, but she was five and they couldn't use her to show or breed anymore. So my mom, not wanting to wait for another puppy, agreed.

Side note - About a year later, my mom purchased Brady, another Bernese mountain dog. My mom didn't train him well and he's pretty obnoxious. A sweetheart though.

That is Fiona on the left, Brady in the middle, and Vanna on the right (and my mom) in her backyard last winter.

Anyway, my mom called to tell me that she had to put Vanna down on Christmas. She had some sort of bone thing that could possibly be fixed, but if successful, she would still have to spend the rest of her life on heavy pain meds and in a kennel. She would be able to run or even really walk much. So my mom decided to let her go instead of having her live out the rest of her life like that. My mom is still heart broken after having to put Scooter down not too long ago. It was extremely hard to listen to my mom sob on the phone. Her way of mourning is to explain every detail that Vanna had gone through, almost like she has to tell herself it was the right thing to do. It really was, but it doesn't make the pain any less.

Vanna was a very sweet-natured girl and I will certainly miss her. She was my cuddle dog when I would go visit and sit her huge ass on me so I could hug on her.

You know, I know the ultimate heart-ache I will have to endure when I loose Sabrina, Jazzmine, and Maggie. I hate to even think it. But the love these babies show me is so worth it.

Top 25 Hits of 2008

2008-12-28T05:38:00.000-08:00

According to Billboard...

I thought this vidjo was pretty cool! It's a mash up of all 25 songs and if it were a song separately, I would probably like it.

Christmastime is Done

2008-12-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

So every year for the last five, Derek and I have had a Christmas dinner for my sister, her roommate, and my best pal April. There has been some inclusions and exclusions over the years, but it is something I always look forward to.

This year was no exception, We planned a vegetarian feast for Christmas eve for Derek and I, April and her boyfriend Doug, and April's dad.

So April and I divided up the dishes and can I tell you...I will be catering next year hahahaha! It wasn't that the food was bad, it was fabulous. It was the amount of slicing and dicing we did and having my stove die half way through. haha! So I do not have a stove and we had to finish what we could on the foreman grill and microwave. Last night I was cooking some potato and soy chorizo burritos for dinner last night. I am trying to figure out how I can cook up some past to use up the last of my ricotta cheese and the Italian style "sausage" I have in the fridge. I feel horrible since our landlord just replaced the air conditioner and the garbage disposal. With the economy as shitty as it is, I almost don't want to tell him and cook on the foreman for a month. I know this isn't realistic, but still. But the food that made it through was fabulous and I will probably make the dishes again separately.

So after the company hoisted it out of here, Derek and I went to bed and I passed out. Derek (who needs the 8 hours sleep) woke me up because Santa had come (honk) and he wanted to open the pressies. Derek and his nerdy self haha he got a Mario T-shirt, a Bullet Bill wallet, a few books, some wii points, and the Dark Knight on DVD. He also got some money to be put toward the purchase of his Playstation 3. I got a GPS unit because Nessa does get lost, the third instalment of the Wicked series, all 8 seasons of the Cosby Show on dvd, some vegetarian cookbooks. Derek's parents sent us yummy Cadbury candy and my mom sent some odds and ends. A good time was had by us.

We then had some Carl's Jr for lunch and watched a Christmas Story where I tried to nap. Derek hates when I sleep in the living room so he kept waking me up. We were waiting for Derek's parents to call from the Scotland. Which they did at midnight their time and we chitta chatted about our days and found out my sister in law, Jen, is 3 months pregnant! I am so excited for them! So hurrah!

Today my stupid ass neighbors decided that 8 am was a good time to nail things into the wall. So I got up and curled up on the couch with the cat, drank some coffee, and started catching up on podcasts so I don't have 75 to listen to when I get back to work. I am so excited that the LFC is coming back and I have really enjoyed the shows Big Fatty has done with him. His snowflake skit was hilarious. I loved at the end when Holly said it's always too loud. good stuff!

So I have a favor to ask of you. Between a few people I have $50 in iTunes and of course I have no idea what to purchase. I always have a list in my head, but then I forget what I want. So what's your favorite song or songs. I do need to download some Abba because I have this karaoke game for playstation 2 I am addicted too has a game with just Abba songs. I know maybe 2 Abba songs. Dancing Queen and Take a Chance on me. Derek says that in the UK everyone loves the Abba and he knew more than I did. So I will need to get me some Abba so I can keep up.

So I think I have certainly babbled on long enough! I hope you all had a good holiday and junk and stuff.

Song of the Day 12/25/08

2008-12-25T10:19:00.000-08:00

White Christmas, by Bing Crosby

Love to all my friends, new and old. Merry Christmas!

Song of the Day 12/24/08

2008-12-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

The First Noel, by Elvis Presley

To everyone I had the pleasure of meeting and interacting with this year, I hope that you and yours have a wonderful Christmas! Eat, DRINK, and be Merry! XO

Song of the Day 12/22/08

2008-12-22T21:48:00.000-08:00

Little Drummer Boy, by Tori Amos

I love me some Tori Amos.

My sentiments exactly

2008-12-22T16:41:00.000-08:00

Thanks Drum!

Song of the Day 12/21/08

2008-12-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

O Holy Night, by Bing Crosby

Say what you will about Bing Crosby, this song is beautiful and seriously makes me tear up.

I have met some outstanding people this year and am so happy to call them my friends, and in some cases, family and I hope to add to the list in 2009. Who knew you could have so many dads?

Without getting too long winded and sappy, I would just like to say that for those of you who read my blog, listen to the podcasts I was or am involved with, who take the time to write me, send cards, and make the most wonderful Christmas decor for me, thank you.

I say Christmas is what you make it and hope that, regardless of what you celebrate or believe, you make it special and do what makes you happy.

Nessa
XO