Good

So I wake up this morning and it is dark outside. The sky is full of gray clouds and it has rained or is now raining. My house is completely silent. There is no noise coming from outside except for the occasional plane or car. I grab my coffee and sit on the loveseat next to the window. I have Sabrina on one arm on my right and Jazzmine and Maggie curled up by side on the left. I feel good right now. No drama, no chaos, no stress.

These were the kind of days my mom would listen to the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack. I don't think my mom liked the movie, but for some reason, I got her the soundtrack for Christmas one year. I tie a lot of my memories of my mother to music or film. On the gloomy days like today was Sleepless in Seattle. On Saturday mornings while she was cleaning, we would wake up to the smell of pine-sol and the sound of Cat Stevens. When my mom was feeling down she would watch the Color Purple and An Officer and a Gentleman. She said it was because she needed a good cry and those always worked. Easter was Jesus Christ Superstar which I have only recently found an appreciation for.

Days like today are good times for me to reflect on things. No distractions, just clear thoughts and memories.

Am I Adopted?

So another fun week in the life of Nessa. Mostly family related, not all bad.

For those who listen to WMBYS, you know my fun I had with Expedia.com and my mom. Note to self, don't call mom when she may be drunk, she will cost you $160 in fees. Grrrr. It is just as much my fault as it is hers. Oh well, the trip is booked and I will be in ID in October. My pal April has graciously agreed to watch my babies. I love ID. It is quiet and green and blue. Derek likes it too, says it is more like Scotland than Santee ever will be.

Now. My sister. blah. So she got fired. My sister decided not to go to work because she was hemorrhaging. Told everyone she went to the doctor, but he wouldn't excuse it because she didn't go to the ER. Now, what I believe happened is she got too stoned to function, called in thinking it sounded serious enough to buy her another day off. She abuses the system when it comes to sick time and I think her doctor caught on. She said she didn't go to the ER because she couldn't afford it. There is a lady who was in her section who a week ago started hemorrhaging at work and she was admitted into the hospital. Our medical coverage waived the ER fee if you are admitted. If she was in fact hemorrhaging...

So she cashed out her 401K, got her tax refund, and has enough money to last a month. She has already filed for unemployment. Um...she was fired on Wednesday afternoon, she had all this done on Thursday morning? I think she knew what she was doing and she is lieing to everyone about it. She was supposed to stay the night tonight and she said she couldn't make it...Surprise surprise. Derek has already said she can't stay here because of a previous time she lived with us. I don't know what she's going to do. I am at the point where i don't care. I feel bad that I feel that way, but I can't help her, I can't take care of her, she's 26. She's not a kid anymore. I am disappointed.

On a brighter note..

I came home and Derek said our landlord came by to drop off something. Earlier this week, our garbage disposal decided not to work anymore. So Derek called and said hey this isn't working, and he told us to try doing something to it and let him know if it didn't work. Well it did and he was happy. So to thank us for taking care of it ourselves, he bought us a $50 gift certificate to a local restaurant. I was like um...it was the garbage disposal...we reset it...weird. i am thankful, but i have never had a landlord that is considerate and hands on.

i had a nice talk with Walt and Melanie and played picture sharing time. It was fun. I enjoyed myself :)

So Derek and I are hoping to go to the zoo next Thursday before it gets too hot. 95 degrees today was not fun! hopefully it will go through.

Home Sweet Home?

So yes I am home now. Although I had a huge arguement with my mommie (yes I still call her mommie) I miss her horribly and worry about her all the time. Derek and I are seriously considering moving up there, if all goes well with us. So far, so good. We are communicating well and finding little things to do together.

My poor pal April was dumped via email this week :/ It came out of no where from what I can tell. She was talking about spending time with him on the day I left, I come back and my sister says he emailed her and dumped her. It's like dude, grow some balls. Over the phone is better than email. I feel for her because it's her first serious guy in a long time. He's a shithead.

I have 90+ podcasts to catch up on. so many. Most are the Adam Corolla show. I might just delete those.

I'm just babbling now.

Walt, Holly, and Ru the postcards should be arriving shortly. I mailed them before I left. I didn't forget about you :)

I-da-ho

So yes her I am in cold, windy, rainy Idaho. So far my trip has really sucked ass. My mom and I had a few drinks and she made a comment about how I lie like my father. She meant it in a "funny way." Well, Being that my father abandoned us when i was 6 and called once in a while to tell me he was gay, had aids, had cancer, was dieing. Not of which was true. He is just a mental case that lied all the time. So me being completely wasted, freaked out, and proceeded to scream at my mom, step dad, and husband random things. Mostly my mom. I was so angry because she kept saying I needed to calm down and i was being silly. The more she told me to stop, the angrier I got. My mom continued to say things to me that were hurtful and I retaliated equally. It got to the point where I had my bags packed and I was walking in the rain to the airport.

So yea, I didn't leave. But i am really uncomfortable. I play it off like things are fine, but for reals. I am tired of having this hole in my heart because of my father. I am tired of feeling like my mom resents me for it. I am 29 years old and should be able to get over this :(

I haven't really kept track of what i have been eating. I the worst thing I had was Sonics on the first. It was a hamburger and a cherry limeaid. They don't have a sonics by my house, so it was my treat. Everything else has been on the healthy side. My mom does lo-carb stuff, so there isn't a lot to be pigging out on you know.

I watched Pushing Daisies tonight. It was pretty good. I really don't watch the TV, but i might give this show another shot.

Anyways, I am going to go. Hopefully my next post won't be gloom and despair.

I miss my dog :(

pedophilia and my mom

But I love it so...

This song was made back in the day when it was ok to bone underage girls. Or at least sing about it.



Today is my mother's 50th birthday. All I could think of was that Molly Shannon skit where see's yells "I'm 50!" I know that 50 is the new 40 or whatever, but it freaks me out. All joking aside, my mom is is getting older and that means thats another year closer to losing her. I fear her death more than my own.

My mom is my hero. She was a single mother, had two jobs, supported two kids. She did what she had to do to make sure my sister and I had what we needed. She did her best and I think I turned out pretty ok. I love her and I hope she knows I do.

Ok, now that I'm crying