So here it begins...

Well, my pals that read this on a regular basis will know the news. Derek and I are divorcing. With this divorce is coming a number of changes. I am trying to remain positive in this new journey. I still have bad days and I am entitled. Today was a rough one. Made the mistake of listening to a song, but I need to cry sometimes. I am not a robot.

I miss my podcast and I have missed interacting with the lot of you. So I am making plans for a new show. Not sure how it will work, what I will do, what I will talk about. But I am determined not to become the bitter divorcée and deepen my inability to leave my house. When I do release anything, I will post announcements via twitter or facebook. I am hoping some of my podcasting pals will help me spread the word too. This blog will not be related to whatever show I decide to do. I want to keep them separate. So I won't be making any further announcements here.

You would be proud of me, I have been out walking. Not a terrible amount of distance, but I take the dog out every day for at least 20 minutes. This used to be Derek's job. Now I do it. Sometimes, I will drop Maggie back at home and keep walking. A HUGE accomplishment for me. Last week, I walked 17 miles. That is amazing for me.

I went to the San Diego Fair with my sister. I walked around with her and ate deep fried butter! I didn't really care if anyone was looking either.

I went to my friend Sarah's and she waxed my eyebrows. We hung out and talked and I had a great time. I am working on changing this shut-in quality I gained during the last seven years of my life. It is still hard, but I have made myself go and do things I haven't had to do for a long time. I washed my car for the first time in like 3 years. Gross I know. It sounds so silly that I am proud that i go grocery shopping, or I go to the bank. But I am.

The big news besides my divorce is I am making a move. In March of next year I will be on my way to Idaho. My parents have graciously offered me a place to stay until I get on my feet. A new state, a new job, new people. I am scared to the point of tears, but if I can do this, i can do pretty much anything. I have spent my entire 32 years in San Diego. I have never known anything other than here. But I long to have my family close and to make a real home for myself. I will so much about California, but it's time. I am a little excited, I already have Erik in Seattle promising drinks and Nicole and Christina will be like an hour away. Walt, you will need to come visit since Erik is an hour plane ride away from my new home. Erik should be reason enough ;)

I am hoping that i can save enough money to go to Florida in the winter. I need to get away and I have a group of people I need to meet. I have found so much support during this hard time from all corners of the earth. I can't even thank y'all enough. Even though I have not been very public about the goings on here, It is so comforting to know I could contact someone if I need to.

I think this is all I can do right now. I am getting emotional and I need to walk it off. I plan on writing more often. I need to purge my emotions. I want to remain positive and hope y'all will forgive the occasional bad day.

Nessa XO

Small Town Idaho

So I am here in the IDs and it is a wonderful 60 degrees! Heaven! Considering it was 102 degrees at my house, I am certainly in heaven. The flight was ok, nothing great.

My mom let me drive her new car to go get vegetarian-friendly food and I got lost...With a GPS...and the place is seriously a mile away. I have no sense of direction at all. So I am gonna make my stepdad take Derek to Sonics and to the Super one to pick up the items I couldn't find at the Walmarts.

Ok, I think I am going to take a nap. Yay vacation!

I-da-ho

So yes her I am in cold, windy, rainy Idaho. So far my trip has really sucked ass. My mom and I had a few drinks and she made a comment about how I lie like my father. She meant it in a "funny way." Well, Being that my father abandoned us when i was 6 and called once in a while to tell me he was gay, had aids, had cancer, was dieing. Not of which was true. He is just a mental case that lied all the time. So me being completely wasted, freaked out, and proceeded to scream at my mom, step dad, and husband random things. Mostly my mom. I was so angry because she kept saying I needed to calm down and i was being silly. The more she told me to stop, the angrier I got. My mom continued to say things to me that were hurtful and I retaliated equally. It got to the point where I had my bags packed and I was walking in the rain to the airport.

So yea, I didn't leave. But i am really uncomfortable. I play it off like things are fine, but for reals. I am tired of having this hole in my heart because of my father. I am tired of feeling like my mom resents me for it. I am 29 years old and should be able to get over this :(

I haven't really kept track of what i have been eating. I the worst thing I had was Sonics on the first. It was a hamburger and a cherry limeaid. They don't have a sonics by my house, so it was my treat. Everything else has been on the healthy side. My mom does lo-carb stuff, so there isn't a lot to be pigging out on you know.

I watched Pushing Daisies tonight. It was pretty good. I really don't watch the TV, but i might give this show another shot.

Anyways, I am going to go. Hopefully my next post won't be gloom and despair.

I miss my dog :(