So here it begins...

Well, my pals that read this on a regular basis will know the news. Derek and I are divorcing. With this divorce is coming a number of changes. I am trying to remain positive in this new journey. I still have bad days and I am entitled. Today was a rough one. Made the mistake of listening to a song, but I need to cry sometimes. I am not a robot.

I miss my podcast and I have missed interacting with the lot of you. So I am making plans for a new show. Not sure how it will work, what I will do, what I will talk about. But I am determined not to become the bitter divorcée and deepen my inability to leave my house. When I do release anything, I will post announcements via twitter or facebook. I am hoping some of my podcasting pals will help me spread the word too. This blog will not be related to whatever show I decide to do. I want to keep them separate. So I won't be making any further announcements here.

You would be proud of me, I have been out walking. Not a terrible amount of distance, but I take the dog out every day for at least 20 minutes. This used to be Derek's job. Now I do it. Sometimes, I will drop Maggie back at home and keep walking. A HUGE accomplishment for me. Last week, I walked 17 miles. That is amazing for me.

I went to the San Diego Fair with my sister. I walked around with her and ate deep fried butter! I didn't really care if anyone was looking either.

I went to my friend Sarah's and she waxed my eyebrows. We hung out and talked and I had a great time. I am working on changing this shut-in quality I gained during the last seven years of my life. It is still hard, but I have made myself go and do things I haven't had to do for a long time. I washed my car for the first time in like 3 years. Gross I know. It sounds so silly that I am proud that i go grocery shopping, or I go to the bank. But I am.

The big news besides my divorce is I am making a move. In March of next year I will be on my way to Idaho. My parents have graciously offered me a place to stay until I get on my feet. A new state, a new job, new people. I am scared to the point of tears, but if I can do this, i can do pretty much anything. I have spent my entire 32 years in San Diego. I have never known anything other than here. But I long to have my family close and to make a real home for myself. I will so much about California, but it's time. I am a little excited, I already have Erik in Seattle promising drinks and Nicole and Christina will be like an hour away. Walt, you will need to come visit since Erik is an hour plane ride away from my new home. Erik should be reason enough ;)

I am hoping that i can save enough money to go to Florida in the winter. I need to get away and I have a group of people I need to meet. I have found so much support during this hard time from all corners of the earth. I can't even thank y'all enough. Even though I have not been very public about the goings on here, It is so comforting to know I could contact someone if I need to.

I think this is all I can do right now. I am getting emotional and I need to walk it off. I plan on writing more often. I need to purge my emotions. I want to remain positive and hope y'all will forgive the occasional bad day.

Nessa XO

Trying to write take two

You know, I wrote a whole post about how angry I was. Then I realized that what I had written was just out of anger and it wouldn't solve anything.

You know people, when you put your trust in someone and find out that they are saying horrible things about you, it really hurts. When someone is supposed to be your friend, but turns around and just lies...Well, I think my judgement in people maybe completely wrong. So maybe there are people i didn't think I liked, but I never took the time to really get to know them. Shame on me.

I have been thinking a lot today about where I fit. And somedays, I just don't feel like I belong anywhere and somedays I feel like I found my place. Its so bizarre how easily I can flip/flop from one to another.

I did receive a very sweet email today from a podcaster who I really admire and think is just so lovely. There are a few of those podcasters of which I admire because they are sweet people that just don't get involved with the crap that can happen in this community. i need to be that mature.

I am still very angry, but I feel a bit better now that I have written all this stuff down and the post that no one will see.

I recorded with Tim C and Eric for Meat Free Radio. Tim said something happened with the file so we will need to record it again. We were a bunch of giggling fools on that recording. It felt good to laugh. Eric, I hope your looking for my sugar daddy, so he can take me to NYC to have yummy vegetarian food with you.

My dear old dad's play is opening, I think Friday, Tim, Ron, Ryan, Kevin, and Jason are going to the SC's to see it and hang out with Dad and Larry Klye. I hope they all have a great time.

Speaking of podcasters, I sent an email to one that I trust a great deal and asked their opinion on me doing a show on my own. I knew the answer I got from them would be honest. I agreed with what they said for the most part. My confidence is shot, so I couldn't honestly judge for myself. I would like to keep podcasting because I really enjoy it. I don't really want to do one alone unless it was very short. I will just give it time. Think about what I really want to do. Any ideas out there?

For anyone who has things to say that don't feel comfortable commenting here, please feel free to email me...missxomisery@aol.com. I have gotten quite of few facebook and myspace messages, but to be honest, I lag on checking those.

I think I am so tired I am babbling.

What a week

I have had an interesting week. I am still reeling over WMBYS. I go from being angry, to sad, to frustrated, to whatever. It is hard to put a lot of yourself into a project and then be told you can't do it anymore. I am so appreciative of the emails, phone calls, comments I have received. At first, I really thought that I could be ostracized from the community I love so much, but I was so wrong. I have never been so happy about being wrong. And yes I am very sad things happened how they did. But you know, I have learned that I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes and that's ok. I would rather be emotional then a cold person with no feelings you know? I will probably still be sad about WMBYS for awhile, but I am ready to move on. I don't want to be surrounded with negative feelings or thoughts when the whole experience was the complete opposite for me. I had a very good time doing it and i have met some fucking awesome people through it. That can never be bad. I may venture out on my own, but I am taking a break for now. Not sure what I want to do.

Moving on...

From what I gather from my mom's cryptic description, my stepdad has some weird growth on his stomach. They are gauging his symptoms and it could be nothing or something more severe. My stepdad takes crap care of himself, so I am hoping it's just him being fat. We'll see. No news is good news.

My mom's hand looks so gross. The whole top of her finger that she cut off is black and bleck. She's ok for the most part, but she can skip the ER this week.

I thought my air conditioner broke this morning and I was scured! September is the hottest part of summer for the East County and I was not having that. Derek fixed it because he knew what was good for him. I am a grouchy bitch when I am hot.

I have been doing great with the vegetarian diet this week. I am an emotional eater, so i was concerned I would be like, fuck it I don't care. But I stayed on track and I feel so good about it.

Ok I am off to play Sims. I know i'm a dork!

Quick Update

Hellooo!

It's Cinco De Mayo! I think Cinco De Mayo is funny because, well, I live by the border. And the number of people that go down to Tijuana to celebrate and then they are confused when there are no huge parties going down. It is a good excuse to have mexican food though. Unfortunetly, I had none. I have been eating right for the most part this whole week, which doesn't sound like much, but it was.

Podcasting is going really well. Are last few shows have just been fun as hell. i think tomorrow we will have a very special guest! And Friday we will have Hex joining us again which i am excited about. We need to work out a time for Sasha and Travis to join us! Maybe a week from Friday!

Work is going pretty well, the project I was working on at work was thrown to the way side, but finally me and my supe are meeting tomorrow. Finally! I finally feel like my work didn't go to waste.

One of the sweetest people I know right now is going through a hard time. Just want him to know I am here if you need me. I can't say it enough. *hugs*

Now I am going sleeps sleeps cause i'm tired!