Thursday, August 30, 2007

I don't know why

Something that has been on my mind for the last week...I am using initials for peoples' names to avoid any trouble.

When I started Jr. High I went to a new school. Not really knowing much of anybody wasn't anything new because I had changed schools every two years. My mom and grandparents moved around a bit.

My 7th grade year I met a girl F.H. who was of middle eastern decent. I befriended F.H., along with J.F., H.E., and S.W.

F.T.'s parents, I believe, were both born in Iraq. They were extremely strict with F.T. and she wasn't allowed to go to friends' homes. So no slumber parties, no hanging out after school. We talked on the phone a lot. Well, eventually her parents lightened up a little. I would go to her house after school. I had dinner with her family a few times, and played with her four younger sisters. All through 7th and 8th grade I felt that F.H. and I had grown to be close friends. I was a tutor in her younger sisters' kindergarten class, I was even the first person ever to spend the night at her house.

During Jr. high there were a few girls who were mean to F.H. I remember walking into our 8th grade history class and seeing two girls saying very loudly, why can't we come to your house, do you not like us, you are so rude not inviting us over. Both girls giggling while F.H. stood there crying. I put my arm around her and walked her away after saying some choice words to those girls. It wasn't the last time I stood up for F.H. i never told her about other times things were said. Mostly about her heritage being that it was the middle of the first invasion of Iraq.

When High School started both F.H. and I went to a different high school then J.F., H.E., and S.W. Her and I hung out just as we always had. I believe that F.H. had transfered to another school shortly before Christmas. But she only lived down the street, so we still hung out. In the 10th grade, I also transfered schools so all of us girls were back at the same school.

Around Christmas time I was racking my brain on what I could do for gifts because 1) I didn't have a job 9 (i was 15) and 2) My mom was working 2 jobs trying to take care of two kids by herself. So couldn't ask mom for money.

I had decided that I would either make or give my own things to my friends because I wanted to participate in the festivities so to speak. I had a shirt that my mother had bought me. It was the most expensive item I owned (important to a teenager of course) but rarely wore. F.H. had always commented on how much she liked it. It was a huge deal for me to have this shirt because my mom didn't sew it and it wasn't purchased at K Mart. I wore it maybe 3 to 4 times. because F.H. stated she liked it so much, I decided that would be what i gave to her.

During Christmas break, F.H. asked if she could come by and exchange gifts. During that time I was obsessed with Aladdin. i loved the genie. Fatn had gotten me some stationary, pens, pencils. Very thoughtful. She called when she got home screaming at me. How could I give her something used when she spent $15.00 on me. All I could say was, well you know you can come pick your gift back up because I don't want it. She hung up on me and I put the box she gave me outside. I heard her come up the stairs, drop the box I gave her, and leave.

I couldn't understand why it wasn't good enough. I gave her something of mine I knew she liked and when you don't have any money, this shirt was everything. I opened the door after she left and saw not only my shirt, but she had left the gift she gave to me. I brought in both boxes, I threw the shirt in the garbage, and put the gift she had given me in my closet where it remained until I moved out of my mother's home at age 18.

F.H. and I didn't speak after that. Looking back, this was kinda the division of our "group." Although I remained friends with J.F., H.E., and S.W. through high school, I made new friends. K.R., G.H., and K.V. (I will share this story later)

In the 12th grade, there was a news story about a man who murdered his wife in front of his five daughters. I found out at school that it was F.T.'s mom. I hadn't spoken to F.H. in two years, but I had shared good times with her family, I had to say something. I wrote her a two page letter expressing my thoughts and letting her know if she needed anything, to call me. She called me that night asking me to go to her mother's funeral. J.F. and I went. It was heartbreaking to see F.H. and her sisters. I hugged F.H. at the end, the hardest I had ever hugged anyone. That was the last time I had any contact with her until maybe 1998, she came to my work and I asked how her sisters were and my boss yelled at me to hurry up, so she left.

In 2005, I was signed onto Yahoo Messenger and got a random message. The person was hinting at who they were and I was like look tell me who you are or I will block you. Of course, it was F.T. She told me she was married and lived north of me. It was a nice conversation.

About a month later, she says something like you know, you were always so cruel to me when we were little. This statement bothered me to no end. So I asked S.W. if I was really mean to her and I was in some sort of denial. She said if I was then she must be Satan. I believe I asked J.F. and she said no, not that she ever saw. I haven't talked to F.H. since then and still wonder why she thinks I was horrible to her. I won't ask her because I really don't have anything to say to her. I'm not even sure why I was thinking about it.

maybe because my mind is constantly looking for answers to questions that maybe have no answers.


Walt said...

Sucks how your friendship ended, but teenagers don't have the incite you have as adults. Which is too bad. And it's funny, but I think the Christmas event has colored her whole perception of when you guys were close.

You don't have real closure here, and I bet that's why it creeps into your mind occasionally. You just need to keep in mind that she's a bit delusional and fucked in the head from the incident with her parents and that explains a lot. Don't let it gnaw at you, though. Not worth it. Sounds like the rare occasions that you communicate, it's civil and that's good.

A lot of things in the past need to stay there. I get very nostalgic for the way things used to be and contemplate getting in touch with old friends, but then I think twice about it. :-)

Nessa said...

I think youre right. I have a lot of little things like that. I don't have closure so I dwell. Blogger is gonna a big dump of Nessa Drama.