Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Better Days

First, I appreciate the comments on my previous post. It was nice to know that i really am not alone. Sometimes it feels like you are, you know. But I started yesterday, continued today and will continue tomorrow. I don't have much to say, but I did want to express my gratitude to those who took their time to say something.


Monday, April 28, 2008

My heart hurts

So, it is no secret that i'm fat. I can't pretend i'm not. I am. Have been the majority of my life. Between my abandoment issues, being locked up for most of my childhood, and not being taught basic nutrition, and in later years just having no motivation, I have gotten and remained fat.

So I watched Taffy's video on the PIMC and got down on myself for not taking charge of my life and being so easily led astray when I am doing well. I am so amazed at her accomplishment and the accomplishment of others. But I can't seem to stay motivated. And I am so ashamed of myself that I avoid going outside at all costs. If I have to go somewhere, I spend the entire time so uncomfortable, that i often get angry and snap at Derek because I want to go home and hide. I would rather stay in bed then do anything. It is a fight for me to get out of bed. Sometimes I call in sick to work because I can't make it, it hurts to get up.

Now people I have met through podcasting are talking about meeting and it scares me. I am so scared of being judged. I am afraid that once anyone sees me, they won't look any further because i'm the fat girl. And now my mom is sending me emails saying that she thinks I have diseases because i'm fat and haven't popped out kids. She says i should go to my doctor and have them test me so I don't die before her because of a heart attack. I know she does it cause she cares and loves me. But to hear your mom say she thinks i'm gonna die before her scares and hurts me.

I know I can lose the weight, I lost 50 pounds in 2005 (which I prompty gained back in 2006) I lost motivation. I don't want to die before i'm 40 and I certainly don't enjoy being the fat girl. I just can't get that button in my brain to click. It seems like the harder I try, the more I become withdrawn and depressed.

I feel like a failure in all aspects of life right now and having my mom point it out indirectly has broke me. I also think I embarass Derek. Derek is 135 pounds tops. I haven't weighed that much since probably the 5th grade. I'm not going to say how much I weigh because frankly, I know what some people will say and even worse think.

I feel lost really. I also feel very alone. And all I can do is write in a stupid online blog because I don't want people to feel sorry for me or be mean to me. I just really wish I could make my brain work right.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I need Blog Fiber

I will be at work or just randomly walking around the house and will have a thought that I want to write about here. And i always say i will do it later. I need to stop doing that because I never remember. I should be more regular about it, but let's be honest, I have to write down things on my arm to remember. Sometimes I come home from work with my arm covered in ink. And sometimes, I still don't remember. I rule.

We recorded on Friday night and had a guest host. I love having a guest host. It gives us a chance to get to know someone we might not talk to every day and I think it gives us things to go off about. We talked for 2 hours. I love it. editing it down to a 45-50 minute show...not so much haha! We need to schedule a time for Sasha and Chef Travis to be on. I haven't forgotten about you two!

Through this recent shake up in our podcasting lives, I was humbled by the number of people who have come forward to our aid and support. Some people I didn't expect. It was completely awesome and I am thankful to have these people in this community I love being apart of. So thank you all very much.

I should be getting ready for work. But I didn't want to forget to write here today. It was too important to say thank you.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

No Title

i am happy to report that as of now, the podcast will be chugging along. I will not lie when I say it was hard to see my pal be so upset and couldn't do anything to make it better. But in the grand scheme of things, I love what podcasting has brought into my life and I love my co-whores a ton.

Right now I have a large amount of respect for Tim C., Archerr, John Ong, and Chef Mark. They have all said a lot of things regarding this past weekend that have made a lot of sense and helped me understand that podcasting isn't always candyland and chutes and ladders. I think that we had so much support when we started that we couldn't imagine or even thought that any aspect of what we were doing would be attacked or one of us being personally beat down.

I guess what I am trying to say if I am thankful for Holly and Walt. I am thankful for our FABULOUS fans and friends (who are one in the same for me) who have been so vocal in their support. And though I didn't like seeing Holly hurt, I am thankful this happened early on in our podcast endeavor, I think we are little more prepared in what might happen down the line.

So I'm brushing the dirt off my knees (shut up) and I am going to continue.

And how much do I love Ricky, Mary, and Melanie from the last group show?! I havent laughed so much in awhile. Thanks you guys!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Kinda in Limbo

So yesterday was the first time that I have ever questioned wanting to do a podcast. In no means am I pointing fingers at anyone, and I hope that anyone who reads this wont point fingers or assume I am blaming them personally. I am have said many times that I do not go out of my way to hurt anyones feelings and I won't start now. I just need to spew some stuff out.

i always get very excited on podcasting days because it's time I get to spend talking to my pals and we get to share that conversation with our 42 fans.

We had a fabulous group show. We had the joy of having Mary, Melanie, and Ricky with us. We all laughed and had a great time. Archerr planned a live show when we were recording and was still doing his show when we had finished. I was estatic because I adore Archerr and I love the live shows. He was doing a show with Chef Mark and John Ong (who may be my new crush). And Archerr was drunk! Was a lot of fun.

Now, the events of what had happened towards the end are hazy to me. There is another show that does a daily stream of their show that I listen to. Apparently, this podcaster started listening to our conversation and was playing it through theirs. Now I know that from listening, some of the audience of that show has a tendency to attack other people. So I didn't pay any attention to it. I don't know what was said and who said it. All I know is that someone called someone stupid and they took it as a personal attack as I guess anyone would. But the next hour was trying to explain that thats the mentality of some people and by putting yourself out there, you are bound to get comments of that nature, and that on the internet, they don't see the person you are. Didn't seem to matter what we were saying, it only seemed to matter what they (the audience members of the other show) said which was so frustrating.

I was so emotionally drained that I was ready to quit. I said at the beginning that if it wasn't fun anymore I didn't want to do it and I certainly don't want to do it if the people I do it with feel personally attacked to the point of crying.

I sat down to edit the group show this morning and I didn't want to do it. This was the first time I had almost not cared. I honestly sat here and thought why am I even doing this and why should I bother. I feel defeated and a little angry.

I wanted to start podcasting because I felt like I fit in, and that I have made some great friends in the community I frequented. But after last night, I kind of felt like maybe I was fooling myself and I made a mistake in making the crossover to being a podcaster instead of just a listener.

I am just tired and it's hard to find someone to talk to. Poor blog, gets all my abuse.

I love my show, I love Holly and Walt, I love our 42 fans and a lot of my fellow podcasters. I just don't know how this will proceed. Hurrah for migraines!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Am I Adopted?

So another fun week in the life of Nessa. Mostly family related, not all bad.

For those who listen to WMBYS, you know my fun I had with Expedia.com and my mom. Note to self, don't call mom when she may be drunk, she will cost you $160 in fees. Grrrr. It is just as much my fault as it is hers. Oh well, the trip is booked and I will be in ID in October. My pal April has graciously agreed to watch my babies. I love ID. It is quiet and green and blue. Derek likes it too, says it is more like Scotland than Santee ever will be.

Now. My sister. blah. So she got fired. My sister decided not to go to work because she was hemorrhaging. Told everyone she went to the doctor, but he wouldn't excuse it because she didn't go to the ER. Now, what I believe happened is she got too stoned to function, called in thinking it sounded serious enough to buy her another day off. She abuses the system when it comes to sick time and I think her doctor caught on. She said she didn't go to the ER because she couldn't afford it. There is a lady who was in her section who a week ago started hemorrhaging at work and she was admitted into the hospital. Our medical coverage waived the ER fee if you are admitted. If she was in fact hemorrhaging...

So she cashed out her 401K, got her tax refund, and has enough money to last a month. She has already filed for unemployment. Um...she was fired on Wednesday afternoon, she had all this done on Thursday morning? I think she knew what she was doing and she is lieing to everyone about it. She was supposed to stay the night tonight and she said she couldn't make it...Surprise surprise. Derek has already said she can't stay here because of a previous time she lived with us. I don't know what she's going to do. I am at the point where i don't care. I feel bad that I feel that way, but I can't help her, I can't take care of her, she's 26. She's not a kid anymore. I am disappointed.

On a brighter note..

I came home and Derek said our landlord came by to drop off something. Earlier this week, our garbage disposal decided not to work anymore. So Derek called and said hey this isn't working, and he told us to try doing something to it and let him know if it didn't work. Well it did and he was happy. So to thank us for taking care of it ourselves, he bought us a $50 gift certificate to a local restaurant. I was like um...it was the garbage disposal...we reset it...weird. i am thankful, but i have never had a landlord that is considerate and hands on.

i had a nice talk with Walt and Melanie and played picture sharing time. It was fun. I enjoyed myself :)

So Derek and I are hoping to go to the zoo next Thursday before it gets too hot. 95 degrees today was not fun! hopefully it will go through.

Friday, April 4, 2008

So much to say, but I'm tired

A lot has been happening, or it feels like it. i have been trying to format what I wanted to say for a few weeks now. Just one thing upon another...So I will start from what I first remember.

I took my sister out to dinner for her birthday the middle of march. The dinner itself was fine and it was great to spend some time with my sister. I don't get it too often. But she told me that an acquaintance of mine and a friend of hers is HIV positive. It makes me sad and it makes me angry. I hope he takes care of himself.

The podcast is going good. We had our first group show and it was so much fun. I hope we can do another one and soon.

I was a bad friend and said somethings I shouldn't have. I am very sorry still.

I was sick for the 2nd time in two weeks. Yesterday was the worst. I slept until noon, was up long enough to watch Inner Space, took a shower, and slept until 5am the next morning. And really, I love Inner Space. So bad, but so good.

Derek and I are going to see Eddie Izzard in August! I am so excited. I love him like whoa!

My darling friend is having a hard time with things right now and it makes me sad. I hope she knows how much I adore her and how important she is to everyone :) *hugs*

Tomorrow is BBQ at April's tomorrow. It will be fun, I haven't seen her in awhile.