Friday, June 17, 2011

A return to blogging and transcriptions

After learning that a friend of mine has lost the majority of his hearing, I immediately thought about how I was going to keep him involved in my life.  My poor neglected blog was the first thing that sprung to mind.  So this blog will now become a loose transcript of what my podcasts are.  For my dear friend and for anyone else who cares to read.

Today, I was driving to the mechanic when Backstabber, by the Dresden Dolls came on.  I am a big fan of Amanda Palmer and have always loved this song.  Problem with me and songs is I always relate them to something or someone.  I have "dedicated" Backstabber to several people.  Mostly women.

Growing up, I don't think I ever had a good relationship with another woman.  I think this may relate to the daddy issues I have.  Women are too competitive and extremely judgey.  Of course, this isn't every woman and I am being extremely general.  I am speaking from my own experiences and only those.  I would hope I don't fall into this category, but I know I have more than a time or two.

I have very few female friends and it takes a lot to let a female into my "circle."  I am always guarded when it comes to actually befriending another woman.  My experiences have not been pleasant.  I all too often throw my heart into the ring, only to have something happen that leaves me crushed.  A prime example of this is Gina.  I wrote a blog about Gina some time ago, but I can't seem to find it.  I met Gina in the 10th grade and we immediately hit it off.  Her and I became fast, and best friends and spent a lot of time together.  Gina and I got our first jobs at the same place, spent at least six out of seven days of the week together, and lived together on three separate occasions.

During high school, a mutual friend of our told me that Gina had been sleeping with our married boss.  I didn't believe her.  I asked Gina and she swore on anything it wasn't true and the friend was jealous of our friendship and trying to split us up.  I went to this girl's house ready to beat some ass.  How dare anyone make Gina sound like anything less than goodness and light!  I confronted the girl and she stuck to her story.  I told her I couldn't be her friend if she was going to lie and Gina and I continued on our friendly way.

Five or six years later, Gina and I were living together and she got pregnant.  The father had no job, no car, other children from different women, sold and did drugs.  She let him move in without asking .  He hated my cats, he didn't think he should have to contribute to cleaning or paying any bills, and he was letting people in and out of the house.  It was miserable.  When our lease was up, I moved out.  I gave my rent and bill money to Gina and said adios.  Gina didn't pay the rent that month.  A year later, I had collections calling me for the $600 balance when the deposit couldn't cover the rent.  Gina was no where to be found.  I coughed up the funds.

Gina emailed me about a month later and her message was like we were still thick as thieves.  Of course, I address the money and she disappears again.  I just let it go.  Obviously she needed the money.  With a new son and a worthless baby-daddy, it wasn't worth fighting about.

I got together for lunch with another mutual friend of mine and she said her and Gina had a "truth day."  They got together and asked one another questions and they answered then honestly.  Turns out Gina was sleeping with the married boss.  And had lied straight to my face about it.  I was devastated.  Not only because she lied, but I left another friendship in the dust because I thought she was lying.  It was one of the times that really broke my heart.  I have since apologized to the person who was truthful, but what does it even mean almost ten years later?

A couple years ago, I learned Gina had breast cancer and wanted to reconnect.  I have decided not to.  I am sorry she has to experience it, I feel worse for her sons because, from what I understand, she may not make it more than five years.  I feel for her as a person, but the Gina I was friends with didn't exist.

There have been others along the way that have earned their Backstabber "dedication."  I have let it affect how I make friends, especially with women.  In addition to the competitiveness and judgement, i also find that I don't have a great deal in common with women.  I find that I would rather drink and party with the boys because I don't have to worry about them knit-picking what I say, do, or wear.  Some say my friendships with gay men is just like befriending a woman.  I think that statement is hilariously inaccurate.  Those boys love me for me, and that's it.  I don't think I have ever had that with a female, and don't think I could.

My biggest blessing and my biggest curse is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and will love anyone who will let me.  I have met some outstanding people and a few bitches and assholes.  I can't stop reaching out to people because I am afraid they are going to hurt me.  I might miss out on a really great human being if I live that way.

Another subject - my internet/podcasting pals.

It is easy to say I love you or I adore you online without any meaning behind it.  I do throw around the term "I love you" pretty loosely.  I will say that I have a genuine affection for anyone who has taken the time to listen to something I say or read something I wrote.  There are some of you that I correspond with on a regular basis that I genuinely care for, love, and/or admire.  There are also a handful of you that have broke my heart.  Just keep in mind that while it is easy to put a persona out there, there are human beings behind it.  And sometimes things said or not said, done or not done, hurt just as much.

To go out on a good note- With my move to Tucson, I feel like I am in for a new batch of people that could change my mind.  I don't plan on letting my past experiences taint what relationships I could have with whomever I may meet.  I am very excited about that.

1 comment:

Michael said...


I am completely blown away to be reading this entry. I cannot tell you what it means to me that you would be willing to blog about what you have already said in your podcast just so that I could be kept in the loop. I am unbelievably touched & very thankful. I'm glad I saw this when I did because I have already added your podcast to the list that I have transcribed for me.
So, you see I am still "listening" and I'm grateful for friends who figured out a way for me to keep up with some of my podcasts. Of course I'd like to keep up with all of them but the amount of work it would take to have that done is more than I can ask of anyone.

I'm so happy to see that you are settling in and getting adjusted to Tucson life and I hope that the city holds you in both arms and keeps you safe and gives you a sense of peace that you find comforting and refreshing.

The first time I ever truly remember experiencing complete silence was when I was visiting Daniel's aunt in Tucson in August of 1993. She had a house out in the middle of nowhere and it was almost invisible because it was built right into the side of a small foothill. Daniel's Aunt was leaving for the night and told us to turn off the pool pump around 11 and we would know what silence was. We did and it was amazing. It was a magical time for Dan and I and although I didn't know it ... it was one of our last times together and I will never forget it. That night we slept under the stars and it was like being in heaven.
Even without this memory... Tucson is a magical town for me and I'll always have a place in my heart for this place, for your city.

I pray you find or rediscover love, (new or old) happiness and LIFE in your new location. It's waiting for you there and if you look hard enough and listen in complete silence I think you'll not only find it but you'll also find a part of yourself that you didn't even know was missing.
Tucson is where you'll be complete. Tucson is whatever YOU say it is.
You call the shots baby!

Peace, Love & Silence,
Michael Sage