Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Two anniversaries have happened in the last week, week and a half.  On July 7th, Derek and I have been married for eight years.  Even though we spent the 7th year and the beginning of our 8th apart, we are both very excited what the rest of the year will bring us.  We have both done a lot of soul searching, a lot of growing up.  I think we are both kicking ourselves for wasting the last year.  But who knows what would have happened to us if we didn't experience it.  I think about it from time to time.  Would we still be married?  Would I be in Tucson? We will never know and there really is no reason to dwell on it.  As hard as the last year was for me, I am thankful for it.  I really am.

The second event, for lack of a better term, was on the 15th.  On July 15, 2010, I released the first Hello Nessa episode.  The show that I started for three reasons.  The first was I still wanted my foot planted in the podcasting community.  Second was I needed a place to vent my frustrations.  And third, I really had no idea who I was or wanted to be.  All I knew was I was lost, frustrated, and hurting.  As most of you can tell, I am an emotional girl.  I was so scared that me showing that side of myself would scare some of you off, or, like in elementary school, I would be teased relentlessly.  I was surprised, grateful, and humbled by the support and love I received from my listener pals.  I was able to connect with you, share your stories, be supportive.

I originally got into podcasting because the podcasters I interacted with took their time and made me feel like I belonged and made me feel like I was apart of something special.  I wanted to do that for others.  I wanted to interact with people everywhere and have them feel as important as the podcasters I loved made me feel.  I hope I have succeeded; even on a small scale.

As some of you know, I have been a podcaster for four years across three different shows.  It wasn't always fun, and lets face it, some of it was drama infested and almost ruined it for me.  But I was encouraged to keep going and my voice was important.  I am so very grateful for those who did and continue to encourage me, support me, and have shared their lives with me.

Donna Suggarz from Big Silly Homo asked me what was my favorite episode I did.  The first one that came to my mind was episode 15 called Ally.  I discussed my thoughts and feelings on the gay youth committing suicide.  Having one person contact me and say, "You made me think."  was worth it.  I have done 54 episodes over the last year and I am proud of every single one of them.  Each of them have given me an outlet to express my self.  They have given me an opportunity to grieve, an opportunity to celebrate, an opportunity to connect with my listener pals, and lastly, understand myself a little bit more.

As I tackle more subjects, I will be honest as I can with you.  As the bad parts are tackled, there will be more room for me to let in the good.  And as those good times happen, I will share them with me as long as you'll let me.  So, as I reflect on this journey to get to know myself, what have I learned...I  have learned:

Letting my guard down is so very hard
Sometimes you need to face the bad in your life to heal and to appreciate the good
I will eventually like myself

Am I perfect, no.  Will I be?  I hope not.  I am learning to embrace what makes me, me.  And I am finding that I am not so bad.

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