Sunday, September 4, 2011


After my last show, I thought getting some more things off my chest would make me feel better.  And it did, to an extent.  Monday Derek came to live here permanently, which has also helped.  I started swimming for about an hour almost every day, and that helped.  But the physical pain I was feeling, the inability to turn my brain off at night, and the random waves of anger and sadness.  I knew I wasn't "back to normal."  In fact, I was finding new things to stress and worry about.  I can't relax and let it go like I used to.  I was also worried that what if I did have a heart attack and they misdiagnosed me.  I was driving myself crazy.

I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Abraham, who will be my primary care physician.  He is a soft spoken man, bald, with a wild beard.  He was also wearing a bolo tie.  Something about him, I instantly liked and felt comfortable with.  I found out three things during this visit.  I lost five pounds in the last week, I am indeed 5'8" and not 5'6" as I always thought, and I have depression with a side of sever anxiety.  Oh, and I didn't have a heart attack.  My blood pressure was actually closer to normal than high.

We talked about my different option to handle my stuff and the doctor decided that Cymbolta with a side of Lorazapan would be best.  I take them both at night because I have a low tolerance to pills that make me sleepy. But I have found that if I sleep through the night, the day time isn't so difficult.  The doctor said it will take two weeks for my body to regulate.  I am trying to be patient, but I am so eager to feel normal, it's hard.  He did sign me out for two days a month in case I have bad reactions or just have bad days.  I won't use them, but it a comfort to know I won't lose my job because I am having mental issues.

My next step is to stick to the pills, stick to the swimming, and find a good therapist.  As much as I share with you all, I feel like I need someone who can show me tools that will help me with everything.  I am really working on me right now, and for the first time, I don't feel selfish about it.

In other news, Derek is here and hey we're living in sin.  Our divorce was final on September 1st.  We both have agreed that we want to remarry, I am just waiting for him to ask me.  He is trying so hard to be understanding with my break downs and is being tremendously supportive of me trying to be healthy physically and mentally.  This is a much more mature Derek.  I am proud of him for his efforts.  He is diligently looking for a job and keeps the house relatively clean.  He's taking care of me when I need it, and is giving me space when I need that.  I wish we didn't have to go through the last year, but I don't think I would appreciate him as much as I do if we hadn't.

Nothing too exciting this week, just really working on feeling better.  I want to be decent for pride48 in Vegas on the 15th.  I am super happy that I will get to see a bunch of people again, plus meet some new folks.  Put faces to the names.  I really can't wait!

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