Two anniversaries have happened in the last week, week and a half. On July 7th, Derek and I have been married for eight years. Even though we spent the 7th year and the beginning of our 8th apart, we are both very excited what the rest of the year will bring us. We have both done a lot of soul searching, a lot of growing up. I think we are both kicking ourselves for wasting the last year. But who knows what would have happened to us if we didn't experience it. I think about it from time to time. Would we still be married? Would I be in Tucson? We will never know and there really is no reason to dwell on it. As hard as the last year was for me, I am thankful for it. I really am.
The second event, for lack of a better term, was on the 15th. On July 15, 2010, I released the first Hello Nessa episode. The show that I started for three reasons. The first was I still wanted my foot planted in the podcasting community. Second was I needed a place to vent my frustrations. And third, I really had no idea who I was or wanted to be. All I knew was I was lost, frustrated, and hurting. As most of you can tell, I am an emotional girl. I was so scared that me showing that side of myself would scare some of you off, or, like in elementary school, I would be teased relentlessly. I was surprised, grateful, and humbled by the support and love I received from my listener pals. I was able to connect with you, share your stories, be supportive.
I originally got into podcasting because the podcasters I interacted with took their time and made me feel like I belonged and made me feel like I was apart of something special. I wanted to do that for others. I wanted to interact with people everywhere and have them feel as important as the podcasters I loved made me feel. I hope I have succeeded; even on a small scale.
As some of you know, I have been a podcaster for four years across three different shows. It wasn't always fun, and lets face it, some of it was drama infested and almost ruined it for me. But I was encouraged to keep going and my voice was important. I am so very grateful for those who did and continue to encourage me, support me, and have shared their lives with me.
Donna Suggarz from Big Silly Homo asked me what was my favorite episode I did. The first one that came to my mind was episode 15 called Ally. I discussed my thoughts and feelings on the gay youth committing suicide. Having one person contact me and say, "You made me think." was worth it. I have done 54 episodes over the last year and I am proud of every single one of them. Each of them have given me an outlet to express my self. They have given me an opportunity to grieve, an opportunity to celebrate, an opportunity to connect with my listener pals, and lastly, understand myself a little bit more.
As I tackle more subjects, I will be honest as I can with you. As the bad parts are tackled, there will be more room for me to let in the good. And as those good times happen, I will share them with me as long as you'll let me. So, as I reflect on this journey to get to know myself, what have I learned...I have learned:
Letting my guard down is so very hard
Sometimes you need to face the bad in your life to heal and to appreciate the good
I will eventually like myself
Am I perfect, no. Will I be? I hope not. I am learning to embrace what makes me, me. And I am finding that I am not so bad.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Between the Two
I had a hell of a time trying to come up with a topic for this week. The more I thought about it, the more blocked I became. And no fiber jokes, thank you very much.
So I took to the twitters and said I had pod-block. Both Big Fatty and Virginia suggested that I talk about the differences between San Diego and Tucson. Great idea that I should have totally thought about.
I think the first thing I really noticed between the two cities was the traffic lights. In San Diego, the cars turning get the green light first. In Tucson, the straight-a-way cars get first dibs, then the turning lanes get to go. Keeping on the subject of cars; In San Diego, when you have to have an emissions test, you have to make an appointment, pay $60-$100 bucks (depending on the car) and the test takes 10-15 minutes. In Tucson, you don't make an appointment, you can check online the wait times at the stations, the test costs $12.25 and took less than two minutes. Then the DMV! i don't know if I lucked out or what, but here in Arizona you don't make an appointment. You get your number and wait. I was called to the window before the lady had let go of the number. I re-registered my car and had my new license plate in hand in 10 minutes. I got my picture taken and had my Arizona driver's license in hand and registered to vote in five. California DMV? Forget it. You have to make an appointment to get a number to wait. It takes forever, costs more, and they mail your plates and license to you. It just seems like Arizona is more organized. I was only out of the house for maybe an hour and a half with driving time. I was amazed!
People seem more relaxed here in Tucson. Like it's too damn hot to be stressed and angry. And they're nicer than people you would run across in San Diego. Like today, I was at the Safeway, or Vons Southwest, and a guy smiled and asked me how my day was going. The other day, I went to a "Tucson Institution" called Eegees. They do slushies and sammies and I told the cashier I had never been there. She told me what was popular and what she liked. She didn't sound like she was forced to do it. She even pointed out a menu I could take home if I wanted. When I rented a car, the agent pulled out a map and outlined where I was looking to go instead of selling me the GPS rental. She also gave me her pen because it was purple and she could tell I liked purple. I haven't met one person that was rude or indifferent. Its bizarre.
As far as geography is concerned, Tucson is flat and surrounded by mountains. Where I lived in San Diego, it was a valley, lots of hills, and windy roads and I would get lost all the time. Everything here is pretty square and easy to navigate. I haven't been lost once. Makes me feel more confident about my move that I am not stuck in one spot because everything is hard to find. Also...I don't have to get on a freeway or highway to get to the airport. In San Diego it was the 125 to the 94 to the 5. Tucson is heaven for a driver like me.
Mom and pop places seem to thrive out here too. There are the McDonalds, the Chilis, the Pizza Huts. But there are just as many family owned joints that are making it. I love that. San Diego...Not so much.
Big Fatty specifically asked about dust storms. I have not witnessed one, but there was a "SEVERE WEATHER WARNING" for one that said when it starts, you pull over to the side of the road, turn off your car and lights and wait it out. Heather in Phoenix told me that if you keep your lights on, someone may try to follow you and rear-end you. I am sure I will be caught in one eventually, but so far so good. Everyday that I have been here, there has been some sort of weather warning. Between the heat and the monsoon storms, it's heat this, flash flood that. But I am getting used to the heat and everything. Today it was 90 and I felt like it was cooler. Well granted 90 is cooler than 100, but I wasn't immediately sweating.
All in all, I would say that Tucson has a small town feeling to it. I don't feel like everything is so smashed together. I like the vibe of the city. OH and people are fat here! LOL! I should say fat, a better description would be chubby. At my old office, we had a ton of itty bitties and a couple chubbies. In my new office, there are more chubby girls than the itty bittys. Probably because its TOO DAMN HOT to go outside. :)
I think that's a good place to stop. I am digging my new home, I don't miss San Diego so much as I miss my sister and my friends. But I am finding my nitch here. I dig it.
I do not, however, love my upstairs neighbors. I have decided they all weight 700 pounds and are doing Sweating to the Oldies work outs as noisy as they are. JEBUS!
So I took to the twitters and said I had pod-block. Both Big Fatty and Virginia suggested that I talk about the differences between San Diego and Tucson. Great idea that I should have totally thought about.
I think the first thing I really noticed between the two cities was the traffic lights. In San Diego, the cars turning get the green light first. In Tucson, the straight-a-way cars get first dibs, then the turning lanes get to go. Keeping on the subject of cars; In San Diego, when you have to have an emissions test, you have to make an appointment, pay $60-$100 bucks (depending on the car) and the test takes 10-15 minutes. In Tucson, you don't make an appointment, you can check online the wait times at the stations, the test costs $12.25 and took less than two minutes. Then the DMV! i don't know if I lucked out or what, but here in Arizona you don't make an appointment. You get your number and wait. I was called to the window before the lady had let go of the number. I re-registered my car and had my new license plate in hand in 10 minutes. I got my picture taken and had my Arizona driver's license in hand and registered to vote in five. California DMV? Forget it. You have to make an appointment to get a number to wait. It takes forever, costs more, and they mail your plates and license to you. It just seems like Arizona is more organized. I was only out of the house for maybe an hour and a half with driving time. I was amazed!
People seem more relaxed here in Tucson. Like it's too damn hot to be stressed and angry. And they're nicer than people you would run across in San Diego. Like today, I was at the Safeway, or Vons Southwest, and a guy smiled and asked me how my day was going. The other day, I went to a "Tucson Institution" called Eegees. They do slushies and sammies and I told the cashier I had never been there. She told me what was popular and what she liked. She didn't sound like she was forced to do it. She even pointed out a menu I could take home if I wanted. When I rented a car, the agent pulled out a map and outlined where I was looking to go instead of selling me the GPS rental. She also gave me her pen because it was purple and she could tell I liked purple. I haven't met one person that was rude or indifferent. Its bizarre.
As far as geography is concerned, Tucson is flat and surrounded by mountains. Where I lived in San Diego, it was a valley, lots of hills, and windy roads and I would get lost all the time. Everything here is pretty square and easy to navigate. I haven't been lost once. Makes me feel more confident about my move that I am not stuck in one spot because everything is hard to find. Also...I don't have to get on a freeway or highway to get to the airport. In San Diego it was the 125 to the 94 to the 5. Tucson is heaven for a driver like me.
Mom and pop places seem to thrive out here too. There are the McDonalds, the Chilis, the Pizza Huts. But there are just as many family owned joints that are making it. I love that. San Diego...Not so much.
Big Fatty specifically asked about dust storms. I have not witnessed one, but there was a "SEVERE WEATHER WARNING" for one that said when it starts, you pull over to the side of the road, turn off your car and lights and wait it out. Heather in Phoenix told me that if you keep your lights on, someone may try to follow you and rear-end you. I am sure I will be caught in one eventually, but so far so good. Everyday that I have been here, there has been some sort of weather warning. Between the heat and the monsoon storms, it's heat this, flash flood that. But I am getting used to the heat and everything. Today it was 90 and I felt like it was cooler. Well granted 90 is cooler than 100, but I wasn't immediately sweating.
All in all, I would say that Tucson has a small town feeling to it. I don't feel like everything is so smashed together. I like the vibe of the city. OH and people are fat here! LOL! I should say fat, a better description would be chubby. At my old office, we had a ton of itty bitties and a couple chubbies. In my new office, there are more chubby girls than the itty bittys. Probably because its TOO DAMN HOT to go outside. :)
I think that's a good place to stop. I am digging my new home, I don't miss San Diego so much as I miss my sister and my friends. But I am finding my nitch here. I dig it.
I do not, however, love my upstairs neighbors. I have decided they all weight 700 pounds and are doing Sweating to the Oldies work outs as noisy as they are. JEBUS!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Five Hours and Fifty-Five Minutes
This is how long it took me to drive from Santee, CA to Tucson AZ. Derek had worked things out with his job to come with me for a few days because I was overwhelmed. The long drive and the thought of being alone kicked in and I was stressed out. So at 4:00 am, Derek and I climbed into BoJo (the car) and set out on Highway 8 towards Yuma. The animals behaved themselves wonderfully and the drive went off without a hitch.
This drive really had me freaked. I had never driven further than Palm Springs, and half way home from that trip I was ready to die. But I managed to keep calm and focused, even after 3 hours of sleep, and not get lost once! It would actually be hard to get lost since it is one highway for 75% of the time.
We arrived at a Circle K gas station down the street from my new place at 9:55 am. We stopped so I could pick up another 5 hour energy drink and Derek could get a doughnut. I called my new place's leasing office and made my way down to sign everything and get the keys.
We got in and I set the litter box up and we unloaded the car of what little contents it had. I drank what was probably my 10th bottle of water and laid on my new bedroom floor waiting for Todd (the work husband) and Chris (work husband's cousin in law) to arrive with the Uhaul. They arrived at noon when it was 104 degrees. I have found that when it is 110, 113 degrees, 104 is damn nice. I never thought I would ever walk outside ant it be 100 degrees, I would think wow, it's nice out.
Todd, Chris, and Derek unloaded the Uhaul in record time, an hour tops. I started unpacking, made the bed, found towels for the boys so they could shower. Derek played Mario Kart while Todd and I joked about co-workers and laughed. Then came the goodbye I didn't want to make. I took Todd and Chris to the airport. Over the last six years, I have considered Todd to be my best friend. He was my work husband. He made sure I was ok. And here I was, hugging him good bye telling him that his next wife better not be a bitch. I really hope that he and I keep in touch. I love the kid. He is a kind soul. He's just a good man. I miss seeing his mug already.
On Derek's last full day here in Tucson and my third day here, we decided that we would go to this 32,000 square foot antique place up the road and maybe find me a dresser. We went to lunch and as I got back on the road, my battery light came on. I said, what the fuck! by the time I finished that sentence, my check engine and oil light came on and the car died. I managed to get BoJo to the side and luckily there was a tree! We waited for the tow truck to take us to my local Chrysler dealership. The good news is, Bojo didn't break down on my way here. The bad is it cost $1,300 to fix him. The CPU that feeds the power to the car died. I am so glad my new commute is less than one mile.
So I dropped Derek off at the airport on Wednesday and came home and slept. The heat does take a lot out of you and plus I hadn't slept right due to the move, being in a new place, and dealing with Jazzmin who has decided that meowing at 4 in the morning is fun. Early Thursday morning, I experienced my first monsoon storm. Thunder, lightning, and rain that fell so hard, I thought it was hailing. Eddie, a twitter pal and a Tucson resident, said I will learn to love them. It just scared the shit out of me. The thunder shook the house.
I went to work on Thursday and met my new co-workers. It is a very small department right now. And the building set up is so bizarre. But I feel good about the people I am going to work with. They seem to have my sense of humor and really made me feel welcome. I don't regret my move at all. I do miss Derek and my friends a ton, but I feel good about my choice.
I was supposed to start work on the third, but because of license issues, I can't start until Tuesday. All this time off has me a little bored. And with it being 113 yesterday, I don't feel like climbing into my car and heading out. So I am learning how my direct TV works and playing Mario Kart. Looking at different places on Yelp that I want to go to, waiting for it to be cool enough to take Maggie out to play. Who knew 100 degrees would be cool enough. It is currently 12:41 am as I write this and it is 92. Ugh. Everyone told me, it would be hot, but Christ on crutches!
So, while Derek was here we made it a point to visit different places while he was here. I was surprised how open he was to try different things. Instead of immediately shunning things, he gave it a try. We ate at little mom and pop places and talked about us a lot. It was really like how he and I were in the beginning. We both have let so much of our anger and frustration go and found we really do have love and adoration for one another and both want to share that with each other. I miss him terribly. He is coming to visit at the end of the month. Then he will move here at the end of August. Just in time for our divorce to be final LOL! But Derek has said he is going to ask me to marry him again. I can't explain how I feel to know that Derek fought for me once and was willing to do it again. I know he loves me and I am sad that I ever doubted that. But whatever is out there has given us a second chance to be together.
My friends, a magical thing happens when two people find each other that normally wouldn't have. If you know in your heart that what you feel is right and true, I say chase after it. We all deserve to be happy and complete. You never know where you will find the person who sparks that happiness inside you. If could be in the produce department at Vons, It could be someone standing in line with you at the DMV, it could be someone you met on the internet. I believe things happen for a reason and have purpose. If you are lucky to recognize the chance presented to you, embrace it! Even if the happiness is just for one week, one month, forever, embrace it. This has been the lesson I have learned over the last few months and I share that with you my listener pals, my friends.
http://youtu.be/yAiHve2JZvU - Samson, Regina Spektor (with lyrics)
This drive really had me freaked. I had never driven further than Palm Springs, and half way home from that trip I was ready to die. But I managed to keep calm and focused, even after 3 hours of sleep, and not get lost once! It would actually be hard to get lost since it is one highway for 75% of the time.
We arrived at a Circle K gas station down the street from my new place at 9:55 am. We stopped so I could pick up another 5 hour energy drink and Derek could get a doughnut. I called my new place's leasing office and made my way down to sign everything and get the keys.
We got in and I set the litter box up and we unloaded the car of what little contents it had. I drank what was probably my 10th bottle of water and laid on my new bedroom floor waiting for Todd (the work husband) and Chris (work husband's cousin in law) to arrive with the Uhaul. They arrived at noon when it was 104 degrees. I have found that when it is 110, 113 degrees, 104 is damn nice. I never thought I would ever walk outside ant it be 100 degrees, I would think wow, it's nice out.
Todd, Chris, and Derek unloaded the Uhaul in record time, an hour tops. I started unpacking, made the bed, found towels for the boys so they could shower. Derek played Mario Kart while Todd and I joked about co-workers and laughed. Then came the goodbye I didn't want to make. I took Todd and Chris to the airport. Over the last six years, I have considered Todd to be my best friend. He was my work husband. He made sure I was ok. And here I was, hugging him good bye telling him that his next wife better not be a bitch. I really hope that he and I keep in touch. I love the kid. He is a kind soul. He's just a good man. I miss seeing his mug already.
On Derek's last full day here in Tucson and my third day here, we decided that we would go to this 32,000 square foot antique place up the road and maybe find me a dresser. We went to lunch and as I got back on the road, my battery light came on. I said, what the fuck! by the time I finished that sentence, my check engine and oil light came on and the car died. I managed to get BoJo to the side and luckily there was a tree! We waited for the tow truck to take us to my local Chrysler dealership. The good news is, Bojo didn't break down on my way here. The bad is it cost $1,300 to fix him. The CPU that feeds the power to the car died. I am so glad my new commute is less than one mile.
So I dropped Derek off at the airport on Wednesday and came home and slept. The heat does take a lot out of you and plus I hadn't slept right due to the move, being in a new place, and dealing with Jazzmin who has decided that meowing at 4 in the morning is fun. Early Thursday morning, I experienced my first monsoon storm. Thunder, lightning, and rain that fell so hard, I thought it was hailing. Eddie, a twitter pal and a Tucson resident, said I will learn to love them. It just scared the shit out of me. The thunder shook the house.
I went to work on Thursday and met my new co-workers. It is a very small department right now. And the building set up is so bizarre. But I feel good about the people I am going to work with. They seem to have my sense of humor and really made me feel welcome. I don't regret my move at all. I do miss Derek and my friends a ton, but I feel good about my choice.
I was supposed to start work on the third, but because of license issues, I can't start until Tuesday. All this time off has me a little bored. And with it being 113 yesterday, I don't feel like climbing into my car and heading out. So I am learning how my direct TV works and playing Mario Kart. Looking at different places on Yelp that I want to go to, waiting for it to be cool enough to take Maggie out to play. Who knew 100 degrees would be cool enough. It is currently 12:41 am as I write this and it is 92. Ugh. Everyone told me, it would be hot, but Christ on crutches!
So, while Derek was here we made it a point to visit different places while he was here. I was surprised how open he was to try different things. Instead of immediately shunning things, he gave it a try. We ate at little mom and pop places and talked about us a lot. It was really like how he and I were in the beginning. We both have let so much of our anger and frustration go and found we really do have love and adoration for one another and both want to share that with each other. I miss him terribly. He is coming to visit at the end of the month. Then he will move here at the end of August. Just in time for our divorce to be final LOL! But Derek has said he is going to ask me to marry him again. I can't explain how I feel to know that Derek fought for me once and was willing to do it again. I know he loves me and I am sad that I ever doubted that. But whatever is out there has given us a second chance to be together.
My friends, a magical thing happens when two people find each other that normally wouldn't have. If you know in your heart that what you feel is right and true, I say chase after it. We all deserve to be happy and complete. You never know where you will find the person who sparks that happiness inside you. If could be in the produce department at Vons, It could be someone standing in line with you at the DMV, it could be someone you met on the internet. I believe things happen for a reason and have purpose. If you are lucky to recognize the chance presented to you, embrace it! Even if the happiness is just for one week, one month, forever, embrace it. This has been the lesson I have learned over the last few months and I share that with you my listener pals, my friends.
http://youtu.be/yAiHve2JZvU - Samson, Regina Spektor (with lyrics)
Friday, June 17, 2011
A return to blogging and transcriptions
After learning that a friend of mine has lost the majority of his hearing, I immediately thought about how I was going to keep him involved in my life. My poor neglected blog was the first thing that sprung to mind. So this blog will now become a loose transcript of what my podcasts are. For my dear friend and for anyone else who cares to read.
Today, I was driving to the mechanic when Backstabber, by the Dresden Dolls came on. I am a big fan of Amanda Palmer and have always loved this song. Problem with me and songs is I always relate them to something or someone. I have "dedicated" Backstabber to several people. Mostly women.
Growing up, I don't think I ever had a good relationship with another woman. I think this may relate to the daddy issues I have. Women are too competitive and extremely judgey. Of course, this isn't every woman and I am being extremely general. I am speaking from my own experiences and only those. I would hope I don't fall into this category, but I know I have more than a time or two.
I have very few female friends and it takes a lot to let a female into my "circle." I am always guarded when it comes to actually befriending another woman. My experiences have not been pleasant. I all too often throw my heart into the ring, only to have something happen that leaves me crushed. A prime example of this is Gina. I wrote a blog about Gina some time ago, but I can't seem to find it. I met Gina in the 10th grade and we immediately hit it off. Her and I became fast, and best friends and spent a lot of time together. Gina and I got our first jobs at the same place, spent at least six out of seven days of the week together, and lived together on three separate occasions.
During high school, a mutual friend of our told me that Gina had been sleeping with our married boss. I didn't believe her. I asked Gina and she swore on anything it wasn't true and the friend was jealous of our friendship and trying to split us up. I went to this girl's house ready to beat some ass. How dare anyone make Gina sound like anything less than goodness and light! I confronted the girl and she stuck to her story. I told her I couldn't be her friend if she was going to lie and Gina and I continued on our friendly way.
Five or six years later, Gina and I were living together and she got pregnant. The father had no job, no car, other children from different women, sold and did drugs. She let him move in without asking . He hated my cats, he didn't think he should have to contribute to cleaning or paying any bills, and he was letting people in and out of the house. It was miserable. When our lease was up, I moved out. I gave my rent and bill money to Gina and said adios. Gina didn't pay the rent that month. A year later, I had collections calling me for the $600 balance when the deposit couldn't cover the rent. Gina was no where to be found. I coughed up the funds.
Gina emailed me about a month later and her message was like we were still thick as thieves. Of course, I address the money and she disappears again. I just let it go. Obviously she needed the money. With a new son and a worthless baby-daddy, it wasn't worth fighting about.
I got together for lunch with another mutual friend of mine and she said her and Gina had a "truth day." They got together and asked one another questions and they answered then honestly. Turns out Gina was sleeping with the married boss. And had lied straight to my face about it. I was devastated. Not only because she lied, but I left another friendship in the dust because I thought she was lying. It was one of the times that really broke my heart. I have since apologized to the person who was truthful, but what does it even mean almost ten years later?
A couple years ago, I learned Gina had breast cancer and wanted to reconnect. I have decided not to. I am sorry she has to experience it, I feel worse for her sons because, from what I understand, she may not make it more than five years. I feel for her as a person, but the Gina I was friends with didn't exist.
There have been others along the way that have earned their Backstabber "dedication." I have let it affect how I make friends, especially with women. In addition to the competitiveness and judgement, i also find that I don't have a great deal in common with women. I find that I would rather drink and party with the boys because I don't have to worry about them knit-picking what I say, do, or wear. Some say my friendships with gay men is just like befriending a woman. I think that statement is hilariously inaccurate. Those boys love me for me, and that's it. I don't think I have ever had that with a female, and don't think I could.
My biggest blessing and my biggest curse is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and will love anyone who will let me. I have met some outstanding people and a few bitches and assholes. I can't stop reaching out to people because I am afraid they are going to hurt me. I might miss out on a really great human being if I live that way.
Another subject - my internet/podcasting pals.
It is easy to say I love you or I adore you online without any meaning behind it. I do throw around the term "I love you" pretty loosely. I will say that I have a genuine affection for anyone who has taken the time to listen to something I say or read something I wrote. There are some of you that I correspond with on a regular basis that I genuinely care for, love, and/or admire. There are also a handful of you that have broke my heart. Just keep in mind that while it is easy to put a persona out there, there are human beings behind it. And sometimes things said or not said, done or not done, hurt just as much.
To go out on a good note- With my move to Tucson, I feel like I am in for a new batch of people that could change my mind. I don't plan on letting my past experiences taint what relationships I could have with whomever I may meet. I am very excited about that.
Today, I was driving to the mechanic when Backstabber, by the Dresden Dolls came on. I am a big fan of Amanda Palmer and have always loved this song. Problem with me and songs is I always relate them to something or someone. I have "dedicated" Backstabber to several people. Mostly women.
Growing up, I don't think I ever had a good relationship with another woman. I think this may relate to the daddy issues I have. Women are too competitive and extremely judgey. Of course, this isn't every woman and I am being extremely general. I am speaking from my own experiences and only those. I would hope I don't fall into this category, but I know I have more than a time or two.
I have very few female friends and it takes a lot to let a female into my "circle." I am always guarded when it comes to actually befriending another woman. My experiences have not been pleasant. I all too often throw my heart into the ring, only to have something happen that leaves me crushed. A prime example of this is Gina. I wrote a blog about Gina some time ago, but I can't seem to find it. I met Gina in the 10th grade and we immediately hit it off. Her and I became fast, and best friends and spent a lot of time together. Gina and I got our first jobs at the same place, spent at least six out of seven days of the week together, and lived together on three separate occasions.
During high school, a mutual friend of our told me that Gina had been sleeping with our married boss. I didn't believe her. I asked Gina and she swore on anything it wasn't true and the friend was jealous of our friendship and trying to split us up. I went to this girl's house ready to beat some ass. How dare anyone make Gina sound like anything less than goodness and light! I confronted the girl and she stuck to her story. I told her I couldn't be her friend if she was going to lie and Gina and I continued on our friendly way.
Five or six years later, Gina and I were living together and she got pregnant. The father had no job, no car, other children from different women, sold and did drugs. She let him move in without asking . He hated my cats, he didn't think he should have to contribute to cleaning or paying any bills, and he was letting people in and out of the house. It was miserable. When our lease was up, I moved out. I gave my rent and bill money to Gina and said adios. Gina didn't pay the rent that month. A year later, I had collections calling me for the $600 balance when the deposit couldn't cover the rent. Gina was no where to be found. I coughed up the funds.
Gina emailed me about a month later and her message was like we were still thick as thieves. Of course, I address the money and she disappears again. I just let it go. Obviously she needed the money. With a new son and a worthless baby-daddy, it wasn't worth fighting about.
I got together for lunch with another mutual friend of mine and she said her and Gina had a "truth day." They got together and asked one another questions and they answered then honestly. Turns out Gina was sleeping with the married boss. And had lied straight to my face about it. I was devastated. Not only because she lied, but I left another friendship in the dust because I thought she was lying. It was one of the times that really broke my heart. I have since apologized to the person who was truthful, but what does it even mean almost ten years later?
A couple years ago, I learned Gina had breast cancer and wanted to reconnect. I have decided not to. I am sorry she has to experience it, I feel worse for her sons because, from what I understand, she may not make it more than five years. I feel for her as a person, but the Gina I was friends with didn't exist.
There have been others along the way that have earned their Backstabber "dedication." I have let it affect how I make friends, especially with women. In addition to the competitiveness and judgement, i also find that I don't have a great deal in common with women. I find that I would rather drink and party with the boys because I don't have to worry about them knit-picking what I say, do, or wear. Some say my friendships with gay men is just like befriending a woman. I think that statement is hilariously inaccurate. Those boys love me for me, and that's it. I don't think I have ever had that with a female, and don't think I could.
My biggest blessing and my biggest curse is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and will love anyone who will let me. I have met some outstanding people and a few bitches and assholes. I can't stop reaching out to people because I am afraid they are going to hurt me. I might miss out on a really great human being if I live that way.
Another subject - my internet/podcasting pals.
It is easy to say I love you or I adore you online without any meaning behind it. I do throw around the term "I love you" pretty loosely. I will say that I have a genuine affection for anyone who has taken the time to listen to something I say or read something I wrote. There are some of you that I correspond with on a regular basis that I genuinely care for, love, and/or admire. There are also a handful of you that have broke my heart. Just keep in mind that while it is easy to put a persona out there, there are human beings behind it. And sometimes things said or not said, done or not done, hurt just as much.
To go out on a good note- With my move to Tucson, I feel like I am in for a new batch of people that could change my mind. I don't plan on letting my past experiences taint what relationships I could have with whomever I may meet. I am very excited about that.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
30 Day Song Meme Day 8
Day 08. A song that you know all the words to
This is also one of my favorite songs. I even remember the first time I heard it, i was at a school dance when I was 11. Fell in love immediately.
This is also one of my favorite songs. I even remember the first time I heard it, i was at a school dance when I was 11. Fell in love immediately.
30 Day Song Meme Day 7
Day 07. A song that reminds you of a certain event
I have heard this song everyday for the last month. Before that, I hadn't heard it in over seven years. I heard this song millions of times driving to and from the hotel where Derek and I had our honeymoon. So this song reminds me of my wedding day.
I have heard this song everyday for the last month. Before that, I hadn't heard it in over seven years. I heard this song millions of times driving to and from the hotel where Derek and I had our honeymoon. So this song reminds me of my wedding day.
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