Kinda in Limbo

So yesterday was the first time that I have ever questioned wanting to do a podcast. In no means am I pointing fingers at anyone, and I hope that anyone who reads this wont point fingers or assume I am blaming them personally. I am have said many times that I do not go out of my way to hurt anyones feelings and I won't start now. I just need to spew some stuff out.

i always get very excited on podcasting days because it's time I get to spend talking to my pals and we get to share that conversation with our 42 fans.

We had a fabulous group show. We had the joy of having Mary, Melanie, and Ricky with us. We all laughed and had a great time. Archerr planned a live show when we were recording and was still doing his show when we had finished. I was estatic because I adore Archerr and I love the live shows. He was doing a show with Chef Mark and John Ong (who may be my new crush). And Archerr was drunk! Was a lot of fun.

Now, the events of what had happened towards the end are hazy to me. There is another show that does a daily stream of their show that I listen to. Apparently, this podcaster started listening to our conversation and was playing it through theirs. Now I know that from listening, some of the audience of that show has a tendency to attack other people. So I didn't pay any attention to it. I don't know what was said and who said it. All I know is that someone called someone stupid and they took it as a personal attack as I guess anyone would. But the next hour was trying to explain that thats the mentality of some people and by putting yourself out there, you are bound to get comments of that nature, and that on the internet, they don't see the person you are. Didn't seem to matter what we were saying, it only seemed to matter what they (the audience members of the other show) said which was so frustrating.

I was so emotionally drained that I was ready to quit. I said at the beginning that if it wasn't fun anymore I didn't want to do it and I certainly don't want to do it if the people I do it with feel personally attacked to the point of crying.

I sat down to edit the group show this morning and I didn't want to do it. This was the first time I had almost not cared. I honestly sat here and thought why am I even doing this and why should I bother. I feel defeated and a little angry.

I wanted to start podcasting because I felt like I fit in, and that I have made some great friends in the community I frequented. But after last night, I kind of felt like maybe I was fooling myself and I made a mistake in making the crossover to being a podcaster instead of just a listener.

I am just tired and it's hard to find someone to talk to. Poor blog, gets all my abuse.

I love my show, I love Holly and Walt, I love our 42 fans and a lot of my fellow podcasters. I just don't know how this will proceed. Hurrah for migraines!