Saturday, April 19, 2008

Kinda in Limbo

So yesterday was the first time that I have ever questioned wanting to do a podcast. In no means am I pointing fingers at anyone, and I hope that anyone who reads this wont point fingers or assume I am blaming them personally. I am have said many times that I do not go out of my way to hurt anyones feelings and I won't start now. I just need to spew some stuff out.

i always get very excited on podcasting days because it's time I get to spend talking to my pals and we get to share that conversation with our 42 fans.

We had a fabulous group show. We had the joy of having Mary, Melanie, and Ricky with us. We all laughed and had a great time. Archerr planned a live show when we were recording and was still doing his show when we had finished. I was estatic because I adore Archerr and I love the live shows. He was doing a show with Chef Mark and John Ong (who may be my new crush). And Archerr was drunk! Was a lot of fun.

Now, the events of what had happened towards the end are hazy to me. There is another show that does a daily stream of their show that I listen to. Apparently, this podcaster started listening to our conversation and was playing it through theirs. Now I know that from listening, some of the audience of that show has a tendency to attack other people. So I didn't pay any attention to it. I don't know what was said and who said it. All I know is that someone called someone stupid and they took it as a personal attack as I guess anyone would. But the next hour was trying to explain that thats the mentality of some people and by putting yourself out there, you are bound to get comments of that nature, and that on the internet, they don't see the person you are. Didn't seem to matter what we were saying, it only seemed to matter what they (the audience members of the other show) said which was so frustrating.

I was so emotionally drained that I was ready to quit. I said at the beginning that if it wasn't fun anymore I didn't want to do it and I certainly don't want to do it if the people I do it with feel personally attacked to the point of crying.

I sat down to edit the group show this morning and I didn't want to do it. This was the first time I had almost not cared. I honestly sat here and thought why am I even doing this and why should I bother. I feel defeated and a little angry.

I wanted to start podcasting because I felt like I fit in, and that I have made some great friends in the community I frequented. But after last night, I kind of felt like maybe I was fooling myself and I made a mistake in making the crossover to being a podcaster instead of just a listener.

I am just tired and it's hard to find someone to talk to. Poor blog, gets all my abuse.

I love my show, I love Holly and Walt, I love our 42 fans and a lot of my fellow podcasters. I just don't know how this will proceed. Hurrah for migraines!


Michael in Stuttgart said...

Oh dear, I must have missed what happened, but it sounds terrible.
I would be very very sad if you'd stopped podcasting. There are far more than 42 people who love you. Unfortunately there are obviously some who are envious are just stupid. In spite of not knowing the circumstances I want to cut them bitches who made you so sad and frustrated :(
Although I understand your feelings, please please don't forget that you are important to so many people who would miss you terribly.
We love you and your great and wonderful podcast. And the same is true for Walt and Holly. You are amazing.

Bluboy said...

Michael is very right. I feel blessed to know you three (well and Michael of course). I sometimes wonder why we all do this and I really think that your friendship and the friendship of your other co-hosts mean so much to me....
HUGS Nessa....don't give up...

Ricky B said...

Please don't let some dickheads ruin what you guys have. The show is amazing and you do a great job. Forget what those other losers are saying. They don't matter. It is the listeners that love you that matter! Keep on truckin, and if you want vent about it on your show! That is what the podcast is about. Please don't stop. Because well honestly most importantly, I want to hear how funny I was on your show :) Take care and be good to yourself!

Fairy Princess Holly said...

Nessa, frankly I'm past it. (sort of) Fuck this shit. I'm going to go on, to spite them all! It's just jealousy. If people can't rise to your level, they try to drag you down to theirs. I won't let that happen.

erik98122 said...

I have no idea what transpired last night but I just wanted to pipe in and let you know I love you guys and the show! You bring a much needed bright spot to many people's lives! Hopefully we haven't seen the last of you guys!

Much love and apreciation for what you do!!!


Mollie said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like you are. You guys do an awesome job and its so fun to listen to your podcast. Many people would be sad to see it go. You are fabulous, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Malchera said...

I don't postcast. But I have put stuff on the net. You can get odd reactions from people. You do get weird reponses. Take care. You do what you think is right

(F)redddy said...

Nessa, Holly, Walt...Please don't let anyone question the validity in your place in the podcasting arena. It was absolutely not a worthless transition from listener to fellow podcaster. Anytime you have a measurable amount of success, you're going to have people who shit on you. Look at Dr. Phil. Rapid rise to the top, now a bottom feeder. I missed the entirety of what transpired yesterday, but I’m bummed that the folks that entertain me, regularly, are down and out today. I’m not sure who said what to whom (frankly, I’m still a bit confused even after your very thorough explanation!), but perhaps seeing someone running up so quickly behind someone scares people, and they need to kick them back down so they can stay on their perceived top.

Can Tom leave any more messages????

Walt said...

I hope you're feeling better about the events of the weekend. Shit like this is bound to happen. Being right in the middle of it makes it impossible to see beyond it. Now that you've had a little time, I hope you're feeling better. Sending hugs, my love.