So, it is no secret that i'm fat. I can't pretend i'm not. I am. Have been the majority of my life. Between my abandoment issues, being locked up for most of my childhood, and not being taught basic nutrition, and in later years just having no motivation, I have gotten and remained fat.
So I watched Taffy's video on the PIMC and got down on myself for not taking charge of my life and being so easily led astray when I am doing well. I am so amazed at her accomplishment and the accomplishment of others. But I can't seem to stay motivated. And I am so ashamed of myself that I avoid going outside at all costs. If I have to go somewhere, I spend the entire time so uncomfortable, that i often get angry and snap at Derek because I want to go home and hide. I would rather stay in bed then do anything. It is a fight for me to get out of bed. Sometimes I call in sick to work because I can't make it, it hurts to get up.
Now people I have met through podcasting are talking about meeting and it scares me. I am so scared of being judged. I am afraid that once anyone sees me, they won't look any further because i'm the fat girl. And now my mom is sending me emails saying that she thinks I have diseases because i'm fat and haven't popped out kids. She says i should go to my doctor and have them test me so I don't die before her because of a heart attack. I know she does it cause she cares and loves me. But to hear your mom say she thinks i'm gonna die before her scares and hurts me.
I know I can lose the weight, I lost 50 pounds in 2005 (which I prompty gained back in 2006) I lost motivation. I don't want to die before i'm 40 and I certainly don't enjoy being the fat girl. I just can't get that button in my brain to click. It seems like the harder I try, the more I become withdrawn and depressed.
I feel like a failure in all aspects of life right now and having my mom point it out indirectly has broke me. I also think I embarass Derek. Derek is 135 pounds tops. I haven't weighed that much since probably the 5th grade. I'm not going to say how much I weigh because frankly, I know what some people will say and even worse think.
I feel lost really. I also feel very alone. And all I can do is write in a stupid online blog because I don't want people to feel sorry for me or be mean to me. I just really wish I could make my brain work right.