Monday, April 28, 2008

My heart hurts

So, it is no secret that i'm fat. I can't pretend i'm not. I am. Have been the majority of my life. Between my abandoment issues, being locked up for most of my childhood, and not being taught basic nutrition, and in later years just having no motivation, I have gotten and remained fat.

So I watched Taffy's video on the PIMC and got down on myself for not taking charge of my life and being so easily led astray when I am doing well. I am so amazed at her accomplishment and the accomplishment of others. But I can't seem to stay motivated. And I am so ashamed of myself that I avoid going outside at all costs. If I have to go somewhere, I spend the entire time so uncomfortable, that i often get angry and snap at Derek because I want to go home and hide. I would rather stay in bed then do anything. It is a fight for me to get out of bed. Sometimes I call in sick to work because I can't make it, it hurts to get up.

Now people I have met through podcasting are talking about meeting and it scares me. I am so scared of being judged. I am afraid that once anyone sees me, they won't look any further because i'm the fat girl. And now my mom is sending me emails saying that she thinks I have diseases because i'm fat and haven't popped out kids. She says i should go to my doctor and have them test me so I don't die before her because of a heart attack. I know she does it cause she cares and loves me. But to hear your mom say she thinks i'm gonna die before her scares and hurts me.

I know I can lose the weight, I lost 50 pounds in 2005 (which I prompty gained back in 2006) I lost motivation. I don't want to die before i'm 40 and I certainly don't enjoy being the fat girl. I just can't get that button in my brain to click. It seems like the harder I try, the more I become withdrawn and depressed.

I feel like a failure in all aspects of life right now and having my mom point it out indirectly has broke me. I also think I embarass Derek. Derek is 135 pounds tops. I haven't weighed that much since probably the 5th grade. I'm not going to say how much I weigh because frankly, I know what some people will say and even worse think.

I feel lost really. I also feel very alone. And all I can do is write in a stupid online blog because I don't want people to feel sorry for me or be mean to me. I just really wish I could make my brain work right.


Taffy said...

Nessa, Nessa,Nessa,
Darling...i promise you that I am not going to do the whole "if I can you can" bullshit...That just made it worse when other people told me when I (reluctently) asked them how they lost weight.
I was always the "Healthy" girl. Never skinny, but...Curvy. I was the Cheerleader(shocking) who could do everything the rest of the girls could, I just wore the biggest uniform. When I got Married (1990) I weighed the same as Tank, 180 lbs. Then I lost about 50...Then I got pregnant. And gained 100 lbs due to a very difficult pregnancy. Then I managed to gain another 70 over the next 12 years bringing my grand total to 299.4 As close to a three as you can get. I stayed there for two more years.
I never had self esteem issues. I was fierce! I was Fantastic! I still had sex, I jumped on the trampoline and I was Fabulous!!!!! I was also suffering from hyper tension, sweating everywhere where girls shouldn't and was setting a horrible example to my family. I didn't care...desserts for everyone!!!
You want to have dessert with lunch...and then go to Starbucks...GREAT!!!

I noticed that my hormones were so out of whack that I had stopped having a period, could pretty much grow a beard faster than Tank and was getting skin spots. All do to weight. It used to piss me off so much when I would tell my doctor all these things and he would always say "Weight".
I knew I didnt make healthy choices...
I knew i could change things...
But I didn't...
Until, I just did. I found a different doctor who I thought could help. He did. He said the same things, just I was ready to hear them.

Your Mom can't tell you when...TRUST ME!
I promise, I will listen whenever you need to vent or talk. Sometimes the last people you want to talk about this with is family. The whole "You have such a pretty face" "Just stop eating when your satisfied" just made me mad. In case you haven't noticed...I am kinda control freak. This was thing I thought I had complete control over. Maybe that is why this worked for me because it was a contest with myself. If I cheated, only I would gain. I become completely obsessed with the Biggest Loser. Watching rerun after rerun... Why can they lose 8 lbs in a week and I lost .6 lbs. HUH??? I have really good weeks and really crappy ones. I had Tank and the girls and Taylor and all my friends, which sometimes made it worse. I didn't want them to see me fail, and I didn't want them to think of me as some one who needed to change. (I was fabulous, remember)
I can't give you any words of wisdom... No one could give me any either. I will say this though...Get out of Bed and be seen.


Fairy Princess Holly said...

Weight is a hard thing to deal with. As you know, for me, food is where I take comfort when I feel sad, lonely, disappointed, ashamed, depressed, happy, name it. Food was there for me when I was a lonely kid listening to my parents fight over who wanted custody of me, or rather who didn't want custody of me. I totally get where you are coming from. Food is the one addiction that you will struggle with your whole life. You can't just quit it like you could alcohol or drugs. You have to eat.

For me, my brain clicked after I had 3 failed pregnancies. My OB/GYN started asking me all kinds of family history. Long story short, and you know most of this, I have a fairly dangerous genetic disorder that makes me very prone to heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, and colon cancer. The blood clotting is what makes it hard for me to carry a baby. My dad's first heart attack was at 45, and my mom's first was almost fatal (cardiac arrest) at 59. My dad is paralyzed on his left side from a stroke he had 10 years ago. I lucked out and got a double gene, so I'm more likely to have this kind of stuff than they are. That is what made me lose the weight. I don't want to die young, and while I still more than likely will, at least I'm doing what I can to prevent it.

You'll lose weight when it's right for you. Maybe it's today, maybe it's in 20 years. Who knows? You know what I *do* know? I know I love you no matter what your weight, and I wish you loved you too.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time today. If I can help, let me know.

xoxo ~Holly

Melanie said...

Babydoll, LISTEN to the Taffster. She speaks sooth. It isn't a matter of "fixing your brain," because that implies that there's something wrong with you, and there isn't. Sometimes it's just a matter of coming to a certain point and saying, "Okay, I'm tired of this, and I'm gonna fix it."

And for the love of all things Anderson Cooper, don't listen to your mom. She may mean well, but it isn't helping you. Tell her, as gently and lovingly as possible, to stuff a sock in it.

As for meetings, it doesn't matter if you looked like Pat Robertson, we'd still love you anyway. Put your prettiest shoes on and come out anyway.

Michael in Stuttgart said...

Nessa darling -
I think you are one of the sweetest and funniest people out there. I saw Taffy's amazing effort too, and although I really admire her for it - I was sooooo jealous. I never allow that my picture is taken - only if I can hide behind something (and it gets more difficult every day to find something that actually can hide me).
I see Holly, Walt, Taffy - all these wonderful people who made it and I start hating myself even more.
I once had to attend a business meeting where someone took pictures without me noticing it and they displayed them afterwards. I could have died out of shame. I looked like a house. Of course, I don't see myself very often. All my mirrors are veiled like at Barbra's when she is in mourning...
I know that the others are absolutely right. And I profite from their good words too. But I totally understand your feelings dear. I hate my genes (I love to blame them for it) All my family is bald and fat. But I haven't lost hope completely. Maybe there will be some will power and thinness for me too some day. At least I made it til 40 :)
Thank goodness we have pretty faces! :)) I love you!

Walt said...

Wow. I really don't know where to begin. Taffy really said almost everything I would want to say. The biggest thing is you aren't going to lose any weight until your ready to do that. You could start now and try, but if you aren't ready and aren't motivated, it's not going to happen. I've been a fatass my entire adult life. I've always wanted to lose weight, but it always failed. Always. It wasn't until I turned 40 and had that fateful weigh in at the doctor's office that the switch turned on for me.

I know I have food issues, but I've never wanted to admit to it. It's not been until recently that I realized how bad my issues are. If there is food around, I will eat it whether I'm hungry or not. I learned the trick is to not have excess food in the house. When there is food around, I eat it and feel like shit.

Try not to be down. I know it's hard and I've been there and it's really easy for me to say. But try not to let this bring you down. When it's your time, it'll happen.

God, I sound like a dundering idiot. Go back and read what Taffy wrote again. Like I said before, she said almost everything I want to say, but she did it so you can understand it. :)

Hugs... lots of hugs...

Venus said...

OMG everyone wrote a book... yea I'm not doing that.

I will wrap my fat arms around you and squish our selves together though. <3

I'm getting a treadmill soon and I'm going to try to get back in gear. I like bad food and that's not going to stop to be honest. A life without ben and jerry is a life I don't want to live. So... sigh, I'm going to have to move my ass more.

I'm super fat, Nessa and if you want a fat buddy when you are ready I'm here. I'm not going to be an after to your "before" like soooooooooome people coughfuckingawesomeskinnywaltcough. ;)

love every pound of you, babe!

erik98122 said...

Just wanted to pipe in too and let you know I think your pretty damn amazing just the way you are!!! It's hard to come to terms with loving the person you are but I hope you find that. I know there are many of us out there who love and adore you! Fat...skinny...or inbetween! It's the person inside the shells that we reside in that really count! And I for one think you are AN AMAZING PERSON!


Anonymous said...

Hi nessa-
I don't normally leave comments on your blog (or on ANY blog) but I just wanted to say I completely understand you and where you are coming from. I'm not going to give you any advice, I'm in the same boat and I want you to know you arent alone. Ive always been the fat girl myself and was in weight watchers as early as age 9. the thought of meeting up with an old friend or class reunion is enough to paralyze me with fear. I just want you to know that you are cared for, even if you may not feel that way sometimes. you will do whats right for you when you feel like it. much love!

Sober Girl said...

Ok so I'm a tad late in commenting but I really want to say this. I'm the fat girl too. Have been since I was about 7. I have listened to my grandmother tell me almost daily how being fat like I am makes me ugly,unloveable, and will be single forever because of it. If you're referring to meeting me and Wes let you know that no matter what I'm only going to judge you on your choice of how soon you come to see me or me see you. We can be the fat girls together. Love ya girlie---