Thursday, September 13, 2007

Comic Book Guy

Chapter 3 - Robert

Robert is another cast off of Janessa's haha! I believe Robert and I were 14 when we met. Janessa and Robert met at school (This is when I attended a different high school). I'm not sure why, but i ended up talking to Robert on the phone. We became fast friends. Then Janessa gave me the wonderful task of breaking up with Robert for her. Hey we were 14 that's what we did. Robert and I still stayed friends through all that. We even dated for one month i believe during the summer before the 10th grade. i know how can you love someone you only dated for one month. it was who Robert became later in life that I adored. Robert ended up dating a girl named Jennifer all though high school and dated a girl Heather after.

Robert and I stayed friends through everything. He was my best friend. He, Richard, and I were always talking, hanging out, it was a good time in my life. One random night, Robert asked if I wanted to come over and watch some movies and hang out. Of course I did. So we rented Boogie Nights and some Al Pacino movie...I don't remember. Anyways, after Boogie Nights I said I had to take off. We big deal, then he leaned in and planted one on me. I was in total shock. Even when driving home, i was asking myself, what the fuck just happened? For several days after I was retarded. I didn't get it. I still don't. Shorty after, Robert and Richard announced that they would be joining the Army. (This, in conjunction with David, is probably why I have an aversion to military men)

Robert and I had been so close for a long time, i had fallen for him hard. He was handsome, creative, talented, and smart. He drew like no one I knew. He was really into comics and could draw sometimes better than the artists in the books. He represented everything I though I wanted in a man. The night before he left, i called and said I could come and say good bye, I couldn't. He hung up on me. My friend Trish drove me to Richards house so I could tell Robert how I felt. We were in the back room of Richards house where I said it. That I loved him and I hated that he was leaving. He looked at me and said that first, he was sorry that he had his head down, something about only pigs put their heads down. He told me that although he did care about me, he didn't feel the same as I did, that he appreciated my feelings and was flattered. I actually felt better about how I felt when I left. He wasn't a jerk about it, he made me feel important.

So Robert was shipped to Germany where I would receive the random letter, the random phone call. Richard had come back for leave and Robert was to come shortly after. Richard asked if I would go with him to pick him up. When we finally found Robert, he was upstairs and I was down, he saw Richard runs down. Richard and Paul (another friend) give him hugs and chat away. He finally realizes that I was standing there and hugged me so hard, then apologized for smelling bad cause the air on the airplane was broken. We took Paul home and I dropped Richard and Robert off at Richard's house.

Robert called a few days later and asked if we could hang out. I don't recall what we did, I just remember him asking if he could stay the night cause Richard was driving him nuts. He slept on the floor and I laid on my bed. He had reached up and grabbed my hand and just held it for awhile. I had my guard up like whoa cause he had said a year earlier that I wasn't the one for him. He kissed my hand and sucked on my fingers...OK I don't know why and I don't remember if anything else happened because of that. i don't recall that we and talked about it, and he went back to Germany.

After Robert got out of the Army, he came back to dear old San Diego. There was a question of him coming over for ice cream and a movie. By this time, I was no longer with Tim. He came over, we had ice cream, talked about his art and video games. We decided that it was too late to take him home so he would stay. So he was laying next to me and asks if he can kiss me. I look at him, part in disbelief and part in um YES! So Robert and I made out. When it came time to do more than that, i chickened out. I was freaking out because emotions were coming up that I wasn't ready to deal with.

When he left the next morning, I was confused as all hell. So I wrote him an email and asked what the hell was going on. Robert said that his time in Germany had isolated him from physical touch for so long and he needed it. He said I was the only one he felt comfortable enough to express that need with. Then asks if he can come over later in the week so we can try again. I said yes right off the bat...I wanted it that was for sure. But after a few days, I was thinking about somethings he had said. In our conversation he stated I don't want a relationship with you, even when we dated I had a hard time because i had to get used to your fat. Now why I didn't hang up on him when he said it is beyond me, let alone agree to fuck him. He just wanted to be with me because I was accessible. I almost feel that he used my feelings for him to his advantage.

I called him the day of and cancelled our "meeting." As my friend Mark said so poetically, "I would have probably given it up to you if you didn't make me feel like a whore first."

These days, I have come to terms with that situation. I still talk to Robert randomly. He is making a living off his artwork and i believe works for a T-shirt design company. Last i talked to him he was living with an art school girl who he adores. He is still handsome, still talented, still Robert.

My first tattoo I got was actually because of Robert. I met in person at a movie theater to see Aladdin. Aladdin to this day is one of my favorite movies. I have the genie tattooed on my right shoulder blade. When I first got it, it was because he was my best friend and I knew he would impact my life forever. Now a days, it still rings true. Because he said he had to get used to me the way I was ie: fat, i won't let anyone get used to me. If they don't like me, then they don't. If they do, great. I am not going to pain myself to have someone get used to how I am. Does this even make sense? It does to me.

So every time I catch a look at my genie in a mirror I think about people in general. I hope I never find myself saying I need or had to get used to you.

Food today was:

chocolate slim fast
spinach and mushroom pannini with a side of cucumbers
I liked lunch so much I had the same thing for dinner
51 oz of water.


Walt said...

"Because he said he had to get used to me the way I was ie: fat, i won't let anyone get used to me. If they don't like me, then they don't. If they do, great. I am not going to pain myself to have someone get used to how I am. "

This is something I have fought in myself for my entire adult life. I want to be the person who doesn't give a flying flip what others think of him, and half the time I'm like that. But when the switch is in the other position, I'm miserable. I think I'm doing much better not caring what other people think. It's hard sometimes.

Nessa said...

It is hard. I struggle with it alot. Not that I'm happy you have to deal with it too, i'm glad I'm not the only one.