Is it sad that I want a tattoo from a video game

So With the purchase of the wii, Derek bought paper mario. And i see this little character



Now I have always wanted a butterfly tattoo because my first name (Vanessa) is the genus name for butterflies. But I didn't want the typical butterfly. But I saw this in the game and thought it was purfect. I would of course tweek it to be mine, but I love that it's not a round shape, its more square. And of course I'm a fan of the rainbows :)!

Tomorrow will be a busy day, grocery shopping, packing, cleaning. Blah. I should have really done something constructive, but no I played on the internets and called Qcast's voicemail in a fit of silliness with Holly and Walt. hehehe! Then talked a bit with Ricky from Foul Monkeys.

Derek wants to play wii when he gets home. I am pretty good at the golf one. Bowling psssh...I am a pro now, but that won't last long.

Degrassi comes back next friday! I am almost 30 years old and I am so addicted to this teenage soap opera. God, I love it. Want to see what happens with Marco and Dylan! Want to see what happens with Alex and Page! I'm a nerd.

Today I ate:
a bowl of smart start
vanilla yogurt
grapes
carotts
graham crackers
roast beef sammie
sun chips
cookies :(
homemade (:)) spinach-cilantro soup with the left over steak from last night
1 diet coke
1 pepsi
35 oz of water (hopefully derek will bring some home :))

Birthday Dinner and Tylenol PM dreams

So last night Keela came over and we headed to the Roadhouse Grill. Never been there, it was interesting. They give you peanuts when you sit down that you can promptly throw on the floor. It was a nice dinner and it was great to see Keela.

I took a Tylenol PM at about 8:30 since I hadn't been sleeping well and fell asleep about 9 ish.

Ok I had some really weird ass dream about a guy I don't know, but looked farmiliar, trying to ride a bike, but he kept falling off. Any interpretations?

Yesterday's menu:
sun chips
half a chicken salad
1 bbq potato thing it was a half of potato with bbq sauce, cheese, and onions.
1 cream cheese eggroll
a green salad
maybe 5 oz of a steak, I ate less than half and it was a 12oz.
1 diet coke
30 oz of water
2 black cherry cream sodas


I have to go get ready for work now :(

I should be cleaning...

But I'm not hehe! I will after my blarg here.

Yesterday was alright, Work was boring as normal, came home and caught up on the oprahs and then played wii sports with Derek. I whooped his ass at golf, he whooped me at tennis, and we tied at bowling.

Today Derek has a dentist appointment, were gonna run to Target to pick up a few things, then out to dinner with Keela.

Yesterday I ate:
an egg with toast and a piece of pepperjack cheese
grapes
carrots
yogurt
turkey sammie
teddy grahams
soy burritos
1 diet coke
90 oz of water

Dear Alarm Clock

i want to say thank you for not going off this morning. It was a treat to wake up an hour and fifteen minutes late. It was great that I didn't get a good breakfast and a proper walk. If you do this again alarm clock i will throw you against the wall. Hugs and kisses, me

Anyways...

Nothing to much to say today. i am a walking zombie...so much to do...no time...barrrrrrggggg

Walt, I am going to Idaho for a week to see my mom. April is staying with my babies so they don't get lonely. Plus I think Maggie loves April more than me haha! Good luck on the overtime.

I have to say that Ricky from the Foul Monkeys podcast is awesome. I just started listening on a regular basis because of Taylor TLB and a few mentions on Qcast. I love when people are approachable and down to earth. love it.

So I downloaded AIM (Ricky's fault) so if any of ya'll want to gab with me, my AIM thingy is Missxomisery. Add me! We'll talk, no big whoop.

Food for today:

i had a breakfast burrito for breakfast (duh)
grapes
carrots
turkey sammie
teddy grahams
vanilla yogurt
field greens salad
lean cuisine french bread pizza
2 diet cokes
66 oz of water

I should take that vicodin

Ok, so last night I was swearing to buddah it was going to be an early night. And by early I guess I meant 11. I know 11 isn't terribly late, but it is when you wake up at 4am. I seriously have not slept more than 3-4 hours a night for the last two weeks. My boss said I should pop some Tylenol PM. I didn't have time to grab any, but I do have a vicodin. I am tempted, but then I'm not. I just got a million things on my mind. But I am going to see my mom a week from today :D

My pal April will be staying here with my babies. Maggie loves April so I know she'll be in good hands.

I will have to share some stories about April at a later time. April has been my best friend for 21 years. I love her a whole bunch :)

Hahah Hootie and the Blowfish are on Emeril Live! hahahah! I liked Hootie back in the day.



Hell yeah! I loved the 90's :X

Today was much better for eating.

I had a piece of toast, an egg, and a piece of pepper jack cheese for breakfast.
grapes
carotts
yogurt
teddy grahams
turkey sammie
a giant mixed green salad with black beans, chicken, and avacado.
1 diet coke
66 oz of water

I have a pair of sweat pants I have had for several years that have been more like leggings on me. I am wearing them now and they are def looser in the legs and tummy :) i am still walking and still doing crunches at least 5 times a week. It's not even as hard as it was when I started. I am actually starting to like the walks.

It's nice to feel good you know?

I must see this film!

It should be playing in LA...I am really thinking it would be worth the drive.



I haven't been so intrigued since Moulin Rouge!

I am sore, damn wii

So after playing wii tennis and bowling, I feel like my arm is going to fall off. I started playing paper mario today. It's cute and fun. I'm happy about having the wii, not happy about the money we spent on it haha.

I'm going to bed early tonight, I need to start getting more than 5 hours of sleep. it's taking it's toll.

Chargers lost :(

i didn't list my food yesterday, was too busy playing :X

yesterday I had
Carrots
sun chips
potato soup
6 bites of a steak and some fettuccine alfredo
3 diet root bears
16 oz of water

today i had

black bean and egg burrito
yogurt
grapes
carrots
a turkey sammie
a hand full of teddy grahams
string cheese
the rest of my alfredo from the day before
two squares of a chocolate truffle bar :X and it was good.
60 oz of water
1 diet coke
1 diet root beer

Wiiiiiiiiii

After months and months of searching we finally have a wii! We can't get it to go online though :X! haha!

So far Derek and I have been playing the sports games. And the boxing! Holy cow, I was sweating like one after like one round. But it is a lot of fun. Once derek figures out how to get it online, he'll be happy.

We're gonna have Chilis for dinner and play Mario Party :D!

Today was a bad day that turned into a good one.

Holly, the fairest princess in all of fairyland! Best of luck on your path to drop the 7!

Walt! please feel better!

Kevin and Michael! Congrats on the house!

Taylor, congrats on the 25!

food for today:
Blackbean and egg burritto
vanilla yogurt
pineapple
sun chips
turkey sammie
string cheese
pumpkin spice frap
a brownie :x
A buffalo chicken salad
french fries
50 oz of water
1 diet coke

I had junk today. But its ok to have a treat one in awhile. I can't beat myself up about it cause i'll eat more.

Dear Asshole

This will be very reminisant of Robbie's rants on the daily purge.

Dear Asshole driving on the 67 at 5:30 this morning,

It is customary that when it is pitch black outside, that you use your lights. That's right, every car is equipped with them. They are put there so when it is dark, and the road isn't lit, and to top it off it's raining, you can put them on to see and other cars can see you. You see asshole, it is almost impossible to see a black and/or dark blue car if you don't put your fucking lights on.

Thank you!

So i worked the five hours OT today. I went to starbucks on the way home and had a small pumpkin frap and bought derek a java chip frap. Came home and didn't do really anything. I had lunch then took a nap. I have been enjoying the cool weather. I think the high today was 70. I love it. Fall is coming *does a jig*

Food today wasn't so good. I really need to work on a routine for my days off. I didn't eat crap, just didn't drink enough water...I didn't drink any :( I will def have a huge glass before bed. Anyways...

I woke up late so breakfast was a slimfast.
pinapple
sun chips
turkey sammie
1 diet coke
1 pumpkin frap
1/2 a diet cream soda
1 scoop of ice cream

ahhh-I forgot to eat dinner :/ It's too late to eat now. I will prolly have a scoop of cottage cheese so I can take my vitamin. blarg.

I'm tired is the story of my life

I have been so tired this week. I feel like when anybody asks how I am, I am always saying i'm tired. Blah. Tomorrow, I am working some overtime instead of sleeping all day. I am only working 5 hours, but that will be like an extra $150 bucks on the pay check :)

But for reals...people, when you move...CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS ON YOUR DAMN INSURANCE POLICY. I work in the internet department for GEICO. Once a month we send out emails to customers who report a change of address to the post office asking them to change their address with us. Normally we'll have a steady queue of requests, never getting above 40-50...Yea today 200+ all day ZzZzZz

So, I was looking through the facebook....this is the same for myspace...

Why have a profile if it's going to be private? I understand for kids under 15 and stuff...But for reals? I don't get it. If these are social, networking sites...Why make them private and block anyone from seeing you?

Love and good thoughts going out to Michael from Qcast Connections on his audition! My fingers are crossed.

Food for today was...

Breakfast
a piece of toast with an egg and a piece of cheese
Snacks
grapes, carrots, sun chips
lunch
turkey sammie, string cheese
dinner
chicken and black bean salad
liquids
fat free chocolate milk
50 oz of water (I'm working on more)
1 diet coke

I have walked every days so far this week, I have also started doing some crunches cause i have a belly.

i tried on a pair of pants I bought 6 months ago last night. When I bought them I couldn't get them buttoned. Now I can get them buttoned and zipped. They are still a little tight for my liking, but I could wear them. It was motivating.

I have to say that my pals Walt, Holly, Mr. Bee, Ru, your words of encouragement have seriously helped and I thank you a million times.

I hope starbucks is open around 5:30am tomorrow so I can get me a pumpkin spice frap before work. Taylor...its your fault i need one!

Johnnie, Mario, ZzZzZ

In high school, my jr/sr year i was pretty much hung out with Janessa and John. I don't know how I met john, he might have had a class with Janessa and it went from there. Anyway, John was the complete opposite of me. his clothes were always clean and well-put together, his hair was always done, i'm pretty sure he showered every day haha. Me on the other hand....Well, I was a grunge child. so you can imagine.

Anyways we were pals. John and I were mean to each other. always out of love. As an example how mean we could be, for my birthday, he got me richard simmons cookies. Cause I was a big girl then too. But you know, my feelings could have been hurt, and probably would have been if it were anyone else but John. I called him a bitch and we ate the cookies.

After we graduated, he came and saw me at work a few times. Then he dropped off of the face of the planet. I thought about John often, I mean he was my pal.

Well this is a reason I love the internets. I found Johnnie on the myspace. he lives in NYC and not to my surprise had come out. When we were kids, I knew he was, but i never said anything for a couple reasons. 1) I didn't care and 2) In my mind, you don't confront a teenage boy on his sexuality because what if I was wrong and he stopped being my friend.

But that's not the point of my post here. After not speaking for years, i still feel like were great friends. He has talked to me about some of my concerns with my marriage and has been so great. I'm just so grateful for his friendship and the caring people around me.

Now, i have to thank the Daily Purge a million times over for introducing me to Mario Spinetti. Holy Shit his voice makes me cry. I have listened to his album 20 times today and I HIGHLY recommend you check his work out on the itunes or his myspace.




Today I ate:
Breakfast-
an apple
cottage cheese
a piece of toast with peanut butter
snacks-
vanilla yogurt
grapes
carrotts
Lunch-
turkey sammie
string cheese
dinner-
green salad
one turkey dog
one scoop of ice cream
beverages-
66 oz of water
1 diet coke
1 diet cream soda
1 sugar free rockstar (I was tired yo!)

Quickly

It was a long day. I am totally stoked because it was under 80 degrees today. I really want to take my walks outside instead of on the machine. Maggie will love a long walk instead of the little ones she gets. I have started walking 5 days out of 7. My goal is to do all seven days, it's my days off that throws off my motivation. But I will get there. I feel better physically already which is helping with me to continue.

I was browsing The Foul Monkeys blog and saw a click for Gore Vidal's Caligula trailer. Courtney Love was in the trailer. You know, I am not a huge fan of Hole, but Courtney as an actress...I love her. I thought up until she got her face done, she was gorgeous...but she looks pretty in this clip.



She looks a little twacked out, but I think she looks pretty. I know, i'm weird.

Food for today
Mushroom, spinach omelet with left over portabello sausage
Vanilla yogurt
grapes
carrots
harvest cheddar sun chips
turkey sammie
string cheese
green salad
one of them lean cuisine paninni
1 diet cream soda
1 diet coke
66 oz of water

Tori is my love

a tough patch, i hope

So...

Yesterday Derek and I discussed separating. A very hard conversation to have. The truth of the matter is we haven't been happy for awhile. It was like we were both trying really hard to meet the same goal, but in different places. Lack of communication basically. So we have decided that we will try very hard to communicate better and to do things together. If things don't feel better by February, well we'll discuss it when the time comes.

It's very scary. I love Derek very much, and he loves me but we almost live as roommates. It's not making for a healthy marriage you know. So were gonna try. really hard. Cause if it doesn't work, I don't know what i'll do.

Walt, you'll have to clean out your comic book room heh. kidding of course.

I feel better today. kind of optomistic. Still very scared.

Food for today:
Onion and mushroom omlette
yogurt
grapes
carrotts
turkey sammie with some cheddar harvet sun chips
Whole wheat pasta with zuchinni and portobello mushroom sausage
scoop of ice cream
1 diet cream soda
1 diet coke
66 oz of water

Quick food thingy

Yesterday was bad...I had a bad day yesterday and I will write why later. I wanted to jot down my food before I forgot.

Cottage cheese
1 diet cream soda
Southwestern Cobb Salad with an Avacado Ranch
A caramel Kit Kat bar
Mango Tea

Today will be better.

The rainbow room at O'Hare

Is this Chapter 4? -Nigel

When I got my first computer in 1999(a teal imac cause it was pretty) I had AOL. While cruising around the chat rooms, I spotted a nirvana chat room. This room was full of regulars. I soon became one of the regulars. It was fun to escape from the crap I had going on in my own life. In 2001 (i think)I started talking to Nigel. He lived in Chicago and we talked about a lot of things. Talking to nigel was different then talking to anyone else, we really hit it off. Then it turned into talking on the phone. Then i found out that Nigel was 17. Right off the bat, I was like um I'm too old for you (I was 22 at the time). We kept talking and kept hitting it off, he became my best friend. So I decided to hop on a plane and go met him in person.

His parents, of course, were concerned. What kinda crazy person was coming to meet their son. i talked to his mom and let her know that this wasn't about anything but putting a face to the name and if it was about anything physical, I could stay home for that.

So i went. First I have to say i love nigel's mom and dad. They remind me of young hippies who shower hahaha. Nigel was just so sweet and adorable. We had fun together. I went out a second time and felt right at home. It's wierd for me to feel at home with other people. I just did. It was an innocent kind of relationship. But it was not meant to be anything more than it was. The age difference of course played a part, the distance played a bigger one. I think Nigel is one of the guys I think of and i really don't have a negative feeling towards. I also think that my love for Chicago comes from my love for nigel. Like i couldn't have one without the other.

Nigel, like the majority of my past interests was very into music and makes his own. he uses old nintendo music and mixes them with beats. It's actually pretty good. I don't talk to him very much these days, but hope he's doing good.

I couldn't find anything with the nintendo music in it, but here's a sample of what kind of music nigel does. He did not make the movie, but it's his music.

Not up for a blog

I was gonna do another chapter of Nessa's loves, but i am not in a love mood today. Maybe tomorrow.

Food-
Spinach-mushroom omlette
cottage cheese
three bites of an apple, I bit into a mushy bit and it ruined it for me
pinapple
turkey sammie
pickle
turkey sammie
3 diet cokes
48 oz of water

Comic Book Guy

Chapter 3 - Robert

Robert is another cast off of Janessa's haha! I believe Robert and I were 14 when we met. Janessa and Robert met at school (This is when I attended a different high school). I'm not sure why, but i ended up talking to Robert on the phone. We became fast friends. Then Janessa gave me the wonderful task of breaking up with Robert for her. Hey we were 14 that's what we did. Robert and I still stayed friends through all that. We even dated for one month i believe during the summer before the 10th grade. i know how can you love someone you only dated for one month. it was who Robert became later in life that I adored. Robert ended up dating a girl named Jennifer all though high school and dated a girl Heather after.

Robert and I stayed friends through everything. He was my best friend. He, Richard, and I were always talking, hanging out, it was a good time in my life. One random night, Robert asked if I wanted to come over and watch some movies and hang out. Of course I did. So we rented Boogie Nights and some Al Pacino movie...I don't remember. Anyways, after Boogie Nights I said I had to take off. We hug...no big deal, then he leaned in and planted one on me. I was in total shock. Even when driving home, i was asking myself, what the fuck just happened? For several days after I was retarded. I didn't get it. I still don't. Shorty after, Robert and Richard announced that they would be joining the Army. (This, in conjunction with David, is probably why I have an aversion to military men)

Robert and I had been so close for a long time, i had fallen for him hard. He was handsome, creative, talented, and smart. He drew like no one I knew. He was really into comics and could draw sometimes better than the artists in the books. He represented everything I though I wanted in a man. The night before he left, i called and said I could come and say good bye, I couldn't. He hung up on me. My friend Trish drove me to Richards house so I could tell Robert how I felt. We were in the back room of Richards house where I said it. That I loved him and I hated that he was leaving. He looked at me and said that first, he was sorry that he had his head down, something about only pigs put their heads down. He told me that although he did care about me, he didn't feel the same as I did, that he appreciated my feelings and was flattered. I actually felt better about how I felt when I left. He wasn't a jerk about it, he made me feel important.

So Robert was shipped to Germany where I would receive the random letter, the random phone call. Richard had come back for leave and Robert was to come shortly after. Richard asked if I would go with him to pick him up. When we finally found Robert, he was upstairs and I was down, he saw Richard runs down. Richard and Paul (another friend) give him hugs and chat away. He finally realizes that I was standing there and hugged me so hard, then apologized for smelling bad cause the air on the airplane was broken. We took Paul home and I dropped Richard and Robert off at Richard's house.

Robert called a few days later and asked if we could hang out. I don't recall what we did, I just remember him asking if he could stay the night cause Richard was driving him nuts. He slept on the floor and I laid on my bed. He had reached up and grabbed my hand and just held it for awhile. I had my guard up like whoa cause he had said a year earlier that I wasn't the one for him. He kissed my hand and sucked on my fingers...OK I don't know why and I don't remember if anything else happened because of that. i don't recall that we and talked about it, and he went back to Germany.

After Robert got out of the Army, he came back to dear old San Diego. There was a question of him coming over for ice cream and a movie. By this time, I was no longer with Tim. He came over, we had ice cream, talked about his art and video games. We decided that it was too late to take him home so he would stay. So he was laying next to me and asks if he can kiss me. I look at him, part in disbelief and part in um YES! So Robert and I made out. When it came time to do more than that, i chickened out. I was freaking out because emotions were coming up that I wasn't ready to deal with.

When he left the next morning, I was confused as all hell. So I wrote him an email and asked what the hell was going on. Robert said that his time in Germany had isolated him from physical touch for so long and he needed it. He said I was the only one he felt comfortable enough to express that need with. Then asks if he can come over later in the week so we can try again. I said yes right off the bat...I wanted it that was for sure. But after a few days, I was thinking about somethings he had said. In our conversation he stated I don't want a relationship with you, even when we dated I had a hard time because i had to get used to your fat. Now why I didn't hang up on him when he said it is beyond me, let alone agree to fuck him. He just wanted to be with me because I was accessible. I almost feel that he used my feelings for him to his advantage.

I called him the day of and cancelled our "meeting." As my friend Mark said so poetically, "I would have probably given it up to you if you didn't make me feel like a whore first."

These days, I have come to terms with that situation. I still talk to Robert randomly. He is making a living off his artwork and i believe works for a T-shirt design company. Last i talked to him he was living with an art school girl who he adores. He is still handsome, still talented, still Robert.

My first tattoo I got was actually because of Robert. I met in person at a movie theater to see Aladdin. Aladdin to this day is one of my favorite movies. I have the genie tattooed on my right shoulder blade. When I first got it, it was because he was my best friend and I knew he would impact my life forever. Now a days, it still rings true. Because he said he had to get used to me the way I was ie: fat, i won't let anyone get used to me. If they don't like me, then they don't. If they do, great. I am not going to pain myself to have someone get used to how I am. Does this even make sense? It does to me.

So every time I catch a look at my genie in a mirror I think about people in general. I hope I never find myself saying I need or had to get used to you.

Food today was:

chocolate slim fast
spinach and mushroom pannini with a side of cucumbers
I liked lunch so much I had the same thing for dinner
51 oz of water.

a younger guy

Chapter two of Vanessa's loves...Tim

Tim was 17 and I was 20. Not a horrible difference. Tim and I grew up together. I was friends with April and Tim was friends with her younger brother.

Tim was the first person I had sex with, the first guy i lived with, the first guy I had a bank account with.

Tim and I had date nights where we would go to Family Fun Center and play all those kiddie games for tickets. We were saving the tickets for one of those lame gifts. As lame as it sounds it was honestly very sweet. We would walk amongst the screaming brats er kids hand in hand.

We were together for 2 years....6 months longer than we should have been. i have a soft spot in my heart for him.

We didn't really talk after he moved out. He randomly instant messaged me after he moved to Idaho and said:

McChit3: hey I want to let you know that you are a great person and I still love you

McChit3: i still care bout what happens to you though i might not say it or act like it

McChit3: i just wanted to let you know that I still care bout you

I had saved that convo on a diary I had back them. very sweet. He isn't a bad guy, we were too young for that mature of a relationship.

He still talks to my mom all the time. My mom says he's doing great.

Tonight I went out to dinner with Kevy. We had a good time :) He was flirting with the cashier at Office Depot and had to point out 6 times I was married to her. I had to go outside cause I wanted to laugh really hard. He needs a how to pick up chicks for dummies book

I bought the Labyrinth soundtrack today! I am listening to it right now! i love David Bowie. Love him. Here is David Bowie with one of my new favorite bands Arcade Fire



and then



So damn hot...This man ages so well.

anyways...food

smartstart cereal w/ soy milk
cheez-its
grapes
pineapple
cheese sammie
bruchetta burger from Applebees
2 long island ice teas
51 oz of water
2 diet cokes
one scoop of ice cream

First Loves - Chapter 1

and by loves i mean loves, plural. I fall in love hard and often Some harder then others. In my nostalgia, I have decided that i want to write about my loves in this blog.

The first guy I ever felt in my heart I loved was David. I met David when I was 13 and he was 15. He was dating my friend Janessa and somehow I ended up talking to him on the phone. He and our friend Mike used to skateboard to my house all the time. David was 6'5 I think, brown hair, so cute. He and Janessa didn't last of course because what jr.high/high school relationship does. I will always remember him because he was the first guy I felt so strongly about. You never forget your first one do you?

I could write a million things, but David and I were in and out of each other's lives off and on for 12 years... There are a lot hazy memories. He is worth mentioning cause he was the first serious crush. I wonder how he is.


food for today:
cottage cheese and pineapple
vanilla yogurt
grapes
carrotts
cheez-its
cheese sammie
spinach salad
half a swedish meatballs lean cuisine
67 oz of water
1 diet coke

No motivation

I just could not get my ass moving today. I did walk this morning, but work dragged, I came home and didn't do anything but watch TV. I don't normally do that, but today, I did.

My new pal Walt is in Florida right now and I am living vicariously through him. He has taken some neat pictures and is listing his meals in his blog. Although most of it is fish (barf), it's neat to hear about what other people eat when on vacation. Plus he went to fraking Walt Disney World! I'm wierd.

Speaking of what people eat:

The rest of my firtatta
2 vanilla yogurt
cheez-its
grapes
carrots
half a sammie
tomato and Cheese sammie for dinner
68 oz of water
1 diet coke

Dude my pal Todd at work bought me a Huey Lewis and the News concert video. Its so great! I love it! I love Huey Lewis. Love him. My pal Danny and I said there is no way you can't like this song cause chances are he sings your hometown hahahaha!






ok, I'mn taking my nerd ass to bed.

just call me chef

As part of my goal to be healthy, I have started to cook a whole lot more and avoid processed food as much as possible. My husband loves it since he will have cheerios if I don't cook and I mean you can only eat so much cheerios. I started with breafast this morning. I actually made it last night. I made a Spinach and mushroom Fritatta. A thin layer of potatoes, mushrooms, lots of garlic and spinach. Pour the eggs over the top and cook for 20 minutes. i didn't put cheese in it caus emicrowaving cheese makes it greesy. This morning, I heated up a slice, put a little cheddar and salsa on top. Yummzies!

Dinner was a spinach salad and white asparagus risotto. The risotto had onions, garlic, mushrooms, spinach, and white asparagus. Only a tiny bit of parmesean cheese to thiken it up. I made two servings and seriously...it was more like four. I will take the rest and mix it with some chicken tomorrow. I am going to make a spicy chicken soup on Tuesday. i'm excited. I haven't been excited about cooking in a long time.

Derek and I haven't eaten out in 8 days, which is a huge accomplishment for us. Convenience is seriously our down fall...it's either convenience or laziness. I also have walked every day for the past 8 days except for 2. I am proud of myself :)

Anyways.

Today I ate:

my fritatta
cheez-its
grapes
carrots
half a roast beef sammie
spinach salad
w. asparagus risotto
100 calorie hostess cakes
65 oz of water
2 diet cokes

What what?

First, yeasterday i forgot to jot down what I ate. so it was:
Can of Slimfast
grapes
cheez-its
herb salad
a few oven baked fries
chicken sammie
two scoops of icecream
1 diet coke
34 oz of water

My days off throw me off. I really need to figure out a better way of eating when i'm not at work. i'll figure it out.

Now, this song is now burned into my brain...So it shall be stuck in yours! I'm with Mr. Bee, what does a burning cross have to do with anal sex?

I had something I wanted to talk about..

But I forgot :/

Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

Today i feasted on:

Mushroom ommlette
banana yogurt
cheez-its
carrotts
half a roast beef sammie
grapes
80 ish OZ of water
Beef and broccoli lean cuisine

Moody Nessie

I was in a bad super bad mood today. grrrrr! I feel better now though.

This is super quick since it's bed time.

Menu-
I was not good today

half a diet coke
20 oz of water
a side salad
roast beef sammie
150-calorie cake

not good at all. I will do better tomorrow since i finally went grocery shopping. And it was only like 85 degrees today which made me happy :) We turned off the air conditioning finally!

So, to continue my Maroon 5 kick and the quest for a new BFF

I think Taylor from Pod is my co-pilot should be my new BFF. I'm just saying...Sheena Easton, oh my fuck yes!

I took the new album to work so I could listen to it a million times in a row. Now something you all may have already noticed or will notice is I get emotional sometimes and then post a cheesey love-type song. This actually makes me happy because these songs make me remeber a lot of good times. So there is a Marron 5 song that had me all sappy and reminisent. *sigh*

Better that we Break

I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city look so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It’s not right, not OK
Say the word it should say

Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby

Menu for today:

Smart start cereal w/ soy milk
Banana yogurt
an apple
can of slimfast
a granola bar
100 calorie hotess cakes
Salsbury Steak Lean Cusine
110 OZ of water

I need to go grocery shopping bad!

Hello Adam!

Ok, I think it was Pod is my co-pilot that mentioned Adam Levine from Maroon 5, but while watching the Vh1s I saw their new video. And I have to say Yum-o! Yum-o and how come he's always getting it on in their videos? Not that I mind :P



I really love their new album. I loved Songs About Jane also.

In other news, I am in a music funk. I need something new to wake up the ears. Everything is starting to sound the same to me. meh! Suggestions?

Sicky Sickerton and her pal Kevy

I woke up about 10 times last night throwing my guts up. So needless to say, I was a no-show at work. I came downstairs at 5am choked down a slimfast so I would have something in my stomach. I went back to sleep on the couch watching Saturday Night Fever. When I finally got up I read about 1700 vegetable recipies online. Need inspiration for dinners. I love love love cooking, but I like cooking rich, creamy, cheesey, and all in all bad for you dishes. So I need to re-train myself and experiment a bit. Plus, Derek's mom wasn't exactly into vegetables or fruit, so either is Derek. So it's a matter of hiding things from him so he eats them. I'm good at it :)

i feel 100% times better from this morning. I'm so glad, I really hate calling in.

i talked to Kevy last night for three hours. For those of you who don't know who Kevy is, i will give the short version of this story.

Kevin was a co worker of mine like seven years ago. Kevin and I share the same passion for music and hung out quite a bit. I had a huge crush on Kevin...huge, massive, gigantic. There was a time when I had just broken up with nigel and he had broken up with his girl and be were almost like re-bound buddies. Not in the physical sense, but we were there for one another. It came to a point where I thought things were going to progress to the next level. Kevin ended up getting back together with the ex and I was crushed. Shortly after, Derek and I started talking about being together and the rest is history.

Kevin and I have discussed our relationship on a few occassions. He said that he didn't know that I was that into him and he wishes that things could have been different. But that was then and we have both agreed that our friendship is what's important and we are working on that. It's one of those, what might have been moments I guess. Kevin is extremely important to me and always will be.

This is where it gets hard. I had a roommate named Marcia when Derek and I got married. Derek and Marcia had been drinking and Marcia said something to Derek that made him think that Kevin and I were more than friends and physical things happened, but I don't know what was said. Kevin and I never kissed mind you. So Derek hates Kevin and makes it difficult for us to hang out. I would never cheat on Derek nor would I just stay with him if I wanted to be with someone else. I don't think Derek believes me. So to keep the peace in my home, I would often avoid Kevin. I'm tired of doing it.

Kevin was also a friend of Bryce's. So I called Kevin yesterday and we talked about all kind of things. It was nice to have a conversation with someone who gets me. Derek loves me and I love him, but sometimes I think he just says what he thinks I want to hear and we don't have a great deal of things in common.

Kevin (whom i affectionately call Kevy) sent me a text message this morning that said:

"Thx for the talk yesterday, it was cool 2 talk like we did in the past. It's good 2 have u back around & i just wanted u to realize how much I appreciate your friendship."

It made me feel good.

Well I'm off to do dishes since I feel better, then prolly off to bed since I'm tired.

Food for today:
silm fast shake
cheez-its
pineapple
cheese quesadilla
macaroni and beef lean cuisine
55 oz of water (I'm working on another 40 oz now) hahaha 40 oz

Dear Internets

I don't understand Labor Day. I should do some reaserch and see what it really means. But today it meant working away for the gecko. But he did pay me well. i get paid for the holiday, plus I get time and a half for working it. So it's like double time and a half. Derek and I are going up to Idaho in October, so we can use the extra money to get my mom an ipod. He is also working today and I thin he is getting the "double time and a half" Being union has some advantages, but not a whole lot.

i am watching Rock of Love...It's Brett Michaels looking for love in a group of girls. I don't think you can find love that way. But what do I know, I met my husband on the internets. I have to say that I have been a big believer in the internets for all kinds of things. I made some really good friends, had a great relationship with with a great guy (not the donkey punch guy Walt haha), been entertained, met my husband, found a better job, and made more new friends. It has allowed me to meet people I would have never met otherwise, It has given me an outlet to express myself, and it has connected me with old friends I may have never talked to again otherwise. It's a very groovy thing.

My husband saw Bryce! Bryce is a guy I used to work with like five years ago and became like a little brother to me. He is who made me believe that love exists and is a beautiful gift. i lost touch with him a couple years ago. He told Derek he's doing well, has a pretty girlfriend, has finished college. He's doing well which is all I ever wished for him. That made me happy. I love Bryce. I'm getting teary eyed thinking about him. He is so genuine and creative. I admire a lot of things about him.

Today's menu-

smart start cereal w/ soy milk
container of yogurt
cheez-its
carrots
can of slim fast (really helped the chocolate craving)
chicken carbonara lean cuisine
1 scoop of chocolate chip ice cream
120 OZ of water. ( I have peed a million times today)

Blarg!

Man, I have to go to work and Purple Rain is on TV! Blarg I say!

Get in my bellay!

Day 2:

5am
A bowl of Smart Start Cereal with vanilla flavored soy milk
(I don't care for milk much anymore)

7am
container of key lime yogurt
20 oz vitamin water

9am
handfull of cheez-its
1 diet coke

10:30am
a patty melt from Carl's Jr
34 oz water

12:15pm
handfull of baby carrots

1:30pm
100 calorie pack of hostess cupcakes

4:00pm
Lean Cuisine mushroom spinach pizza
34 oz of water

I did walk for 20 minutes this morning too :)

I will prolly have a snack at 6. I read that if you eat little meals all day long, it helps your body burn it up better. And I can't eat after 7pm because I got to bed at like 9:30 and I don't want it to sit.

I think I did good considering my current habits...one day down a million to go!

(Ir)responsible fattie

For those of you who have known me (in person)for any amount of time knows that I am fat. Not chubby, not big, plain old fat. I was a siz 12 at the age of twelve and the smallest i've been in the last 5 years is a 22. I have lost weight and gained it back more times then I can count.

Instead of doing anything about it, I would get depressed and stuff myself full of junk. Well, I was watching Oprah. She had Dr. Oz on again and this time I paid attention. The majority of my weight is in my belly, which makes the risk of heart attack or disease higher. I don't want to have a heart attack. I don't want my kidneys to fail.

In addition to the obvious health issues, I am miserable all the time. I am always tired, always upset. I thought it was just because my work hours changed, and I was getting up earlier. It's been 2 months. I am still always tired. I have for the past two months waking up early and walking for at least 20 minutes, but it isn't everyday and it has gotten to be as little as two times a week.

I had no motivation. I still struggle with it. But Dr. Oz says you just sometimes have to do it before the motivation comes. So I am determined to walk at least four times a week. I have also cut fast food out. Fast food should not be as convenient as it is. I love convenience. But this is when I kinda realized that my life shouldn't be all convenience. I should have to struggle. I have been reading a lot of articles about food and what foods will help me change my habits and lifestyle.

i have to say some of my motivation to change came from my new pal Walt. He has been brave in sharing his weight and achievements. He posted a before and after picture awhile ago and he looks amazing. I am so glad we met through QCast. I know that it can be done, I just need to work for it.

Another thing that kinda jilted my naive self was a post Rob made on the Daily Purge blog. I know Rob wasn't out to hurt anyones' feelings. He just kinda proved to me that being fat is not only unhealthy, but is humiliating. This picture is "funny" because its a question about diets and the "fat" girl couldn't answer it.



This girl looks so much like me, only alittle younger. This image is burned in my brain. I almost feel like printing it out and hanging it on my fridge.

So what I need to do is be responsible for myself. I have decided that this here blog will be my go to when I need to vent the frustrations, when I do something well. And the part I dread...the food diary. I have read a few places that you are less likely to eat crap when you have to write it down. So my darling readers will have the joy of knowing everything I eat. Just a warning, I am a creature of habit so I will have probably the same thing for days in a row. i also promise that I will not lie. No point too.

Ok...it starts today! September 1, 2007!

I ate:

Cottage cheese and pineapple
Veggie stir-fry with rice
a 100 calorie bag of grasshopper cookies
half a can of Monster coffee drink
34 oz of water
6" veggie sub from Submarina